My girl is 6, her dad hasn't called in 5 mnths yet she defends him. How do I get her to understand?

Question

He has filled her head with the fact that he is trying his hardest, but he has no money, lives out of the city, instead of the truth which is he is a selfish substance abuser. My current bf cares for her and is great to her, yet she is always talking about how wonderful her daddy is yet she hasn't heard from him in 5 mnths. Is she just trying to hold on to the past? It hurts my bf's feelings when she says her dad is the best, and he's the one that's been there, not her dad, but he understands that she is only 6 and will be there for her. How do I make her understand that her father is selfish, and will never be a father to her? It breaks my heart to see her clinging onto what ever she can about her father, and he can't even call her on Christmas, or send her a gift, and she defends him. I don't want to hurt her, but she needs to know and appreciate the other people in her life that ARE there, and DO care about her and not live in the dreamworld that he has filled her head with.

Answer 1

Hi i'm 14 my dad hasen't called my in two years, yet i still defend him. I really don't know why. When my mom told my exactly what my dad was like it broke my heart. So if I were you let your bf spend some quality time w/ your daughter so she can see how great he is and when she's older you can tell her how "great" her dad is.

Answer 2

She is SIX years old! The only "dad" she has is the bio one! Your bf does not-a-Dad-make for your daughter!! Other kids talk about their Dad's--she has basically no active Dad. She may also see a lot of your time involved with the bf and feel left out. I'd make sure that you and she have specific regular times together each week to do things she would enjoy--WITHOUT the bf. When you stop talking against her Dad, then she'll not have to defend him so much! She has a fantasy Dad, and you're trying to take him away. When he doesn't call, let HER talk out her feelings--Not you! Be sympathetic to her feelings. Then if the bf is a good man, marry him and give your daughter an active Dad. When she's a teenager and wants to visit the "bio", THEN talk specifically what you are worried about re her seeing him--speciafically the alcoholism. Be active in preventing her from riding anywhere with him.

I was in that boat and told my daughter when she was young that her Dad had problems with alcohol. She has since, as a successful woman, wife and mother of three children herself, thanked me, saying, "You never talked bad about Dad." Yet, she knows.
Good luck.

Answer 3

You should be ashamed of yourself. No six year old child should ever be put in the position where she feels she has to defend her father or her mother.If her father is a deadbeat than she will find that out on her own and no matter how hard you try your new love interest won't take his place. She learns to appreciate people by the example other people set. You should never crap on her dad.The poor little thing is torn apart enough with the loss of her daddy to deal with your harping.She is only six and cannot possibly comprehend adult problems and issues.Don't try to put her into a situation she can't understand.

Answer 4

No matter what you say or do that man is still this little girl's father. She is a child and doesn't need to know any of the bad things her dad is doing or has done. By being honest with her you are just hurting her. It is better not to say anything negative nor to speak against him in her presence. By doing this she will get the impression that her dad is a romantic figure and you will be the one that she turns against. Time will show her what her dad is like and she will understand and digest this information as she is able to tolerate it as she matures and gets older. You are not doing yourself or this child any service by bad mouthing her father. Accept where she is and maybe you need to talk to a therapist to get over the obvious resentments you feel about this man. Any good therapist will tell you exactly what I have. For this child's sake please keep future comments to yourself. Like they say, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Don't say anything to her. Doesn't matter her age. She has to figure it out on her own. My daughter has experienced the same thing since she was about 6 and is now 13. She used to defend him, hell, I used to defend him or cover for him on his "no shows". they eventually find out on their own who they can and can't rely on. My daughter loves her dad, i know she does but she also knows how selfish he is and she figured it out on her own. I never bad mouthed him or allowed family to bad mouth him around her. People need to realize that bad mouthing a "deadbeat dad" only hurts the childs feelings. I told my daughter's father a long time ago that it's when their young (before teenage years) that we should spend as much time with them as possible. Now that she's 13, she doesn't even want to hang out with me anymore, it's all about their friends. Now when he calls, she could care less. She no longer waits around for him. She will tell him straight out, "if your not here at the time you say, i'm making other plans". When he does show up though (which is rare), they have a great time together. So just keep the door open to your child's father. I know we don't like to see them hurt but it really is the only way they become strong and stand up for themselves and again how they learn whom they can rely. For your BF, he should just keep doing what he's doing....being there for her. Hopefully you stay with this person because to me, any man that takes on a ready made family is truly a MAN and i'm sure your daughter will see that. Just be patient. We all have to go through our little adventures.

Answer 6

Why are trying so hard to stop this dream world for her. You know she is probably going to have some issues growing up but as much as we would like to protect our kids from hurt we cant. She is only six dont discourage her and tell her that her dad is a peice of sh.it just let her believe what she wants all and all it will turn out to be the best thing for her. Do not bad mouth him in anyway all your going to do is hurt her. I know that it probably hurts your bf's feelings but your daughters well being is more important something like that could scar her for life and you never know maybe before she starts realizing that he isnt so great he might change. Even if you doesnt you should try to protect her from seeing the truth of what her dad really is. Our parents are our strongest influences as children and even though your bf is in the picture thats not going to change how she views her father. That doesnt mean that she isnt going to look up to him as well but it just isnt the same. So dont bad mouth him and try to protect the truth from her. I would try to cover his a.ss for her sake. Whats more important than anything is her and you have to keep that in mind.

Answer 7

The baby is 6 let her believe what she wants to believe right now she will soon understand. Don't change the way she fells about her daddy because take it from me it will make you look bad in her eyes instead of waiting for him to come around just indulge your child with enough love from you and your bf that she won't come tumble down when you does finally realize that her father was with her the whole time and the man she put on that pedestal was only her sperm donor.

Answer 8

At her age no matter what she is gonna love him and defend him even if he doesn't be the father u know ur daughter deserves. don't bad talk him to her cause at her age she won't understand. In time she will. My son is 9 and after him constantly complaining about his father not coming by, not calling and breaking promises i told him the truth bout his stank *** dad. And after that he never asked bout him again. now if u think that he would harm ur daughter or put her in danger then take his monkey *** to court for child support and supervised visitations.

it hurt me not tell my son the truth about his deadbeat dad for years but f that shyt. i'm tired of picking up the pieces to the puzzle and being a single parent can be very expensive, emotionally and physically draining as well. i use to tell my son i didnt' know where he was, or i don't know why he lied, or when he's ready to visit he will, but my son is not a toy that u can just put down and play w/when he got ready and i let him know and i let my son know.

good luck

Answer 9

She is too young to understand yet. She will come around and draw her own conclusions in time. Just have the guy you are with now keep showing her love and attention and she will come to see the light sooner than you think. i was in a similar situation and my daughter was 6 at the time too. She is now 19 but she realized a long time ago her dad was scum. Children of this age don't want any other in their life but their daddy no matter what he is like. He is still her hero.

Answer 10

The real point here is you're trying to erase her relationship with her father and start out like brand new with your current boyfriend.

I'll not be gaining any "best answer points" on this one, but the truth is she's got questions and you're not ready to answer them.

You're also not ready for another relationship if you have to try convincing a child why you're with another man who's not her father.

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Patience and time will help, but not solve her questions nor her passion to adore him.

Over time it'll fade, then be energized and fade again. It'll be that way until she finds out those answers from him (his lack of interest or feelings) and not anyone else.