My husband cheated and the affair was disovered 7 months ago. He decided to stay with his family. I noticed how sad he was over a period of days last week and asked him about it, he said that eventhough he chose to be with our family (and still wants to be), he still missed the other person. Our relationship is 12 years old and we have three children together. How much of his feelings is part of the recovery process? how much of his feelings are normal? He is not able to see this person, because it will be obvious, she is now hundreds of miles away. So him meeting up with her is not a concern. I am trying to reconcile my own feelings of frustration, anger, confusion, did I say anger about what happened and now have to deal with this. I do appreciate his honesty, but I am concerned about his "feelings" for this other person. What do you think? If you have felt or been in my position or my husband's, your feedback would be greatly appreciated.
2006-12-27 10:01:30 · 25 answers · asked by curious 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Its a long road recovering from an affair, Lots of marriages make it and can be better after something like that happens..My hubby had an affair 3 years ago.. I know that after the affair was discovered by me he did go thru a period of "Missing Her" But he never told me that he did..You could just tell..So i think that part is pretty normal..Part of the recovery process..I did end up leaving my husband, for about 2 months, And probably was the best thing i did..
Now on to you, You will have lots of anger, frustration ect ect, That is very normal, It takes a toll on the spouse thats been cheated on..It took me a long time to heal from this, The big thing with me is the trust issue, I don't fully 100% trust my husband..But i was told you never regain the 100% of the trust..But i will say i am glad i came home to work on the marriage, Things for us never have been this good, we've been married 17 years now. I sure hope your husband is happy you want to make this marriage work.. Because you have to be strong if this is what you want..Your marriage can make it and it can be the best its ever been..Mine is :)
Good Luck to you
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2006-12-27 10:51:40 · answer #1 · answered by Shem 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He could use some sensitivity training. He shouldn't have told you that. I would tell him how you feel about that. He's staying with you and his kids because he feels that it's the right thing to do, and possibly the money issues. Three kids and a pension and other things to share may be a lot.
I imagine he feels that he's in love with this other person. People marry too young and too soon all of the time.
It doesn't excuse him. How could you ever trust him again, and put all of this in the past. Reminds me of Prince Charles and Princess Diana. So sad.
Why let him waste any more of your time. There is still a great chance that you can find someone that loves you and is devoted to only you and would never ever stray.
I would talk to a good attorney.
good luck.
2006-12-27 10:47:02 · answer #2 · answered by NOEL 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Too many people are being Derogatory and negative with their answers.
To "kick someone to the curb", isn't a solution.
Obviously those answering with this haven't been in your "shoes", and it's insensitive of them!
All I can say is, you are only hurting yourself by staying in this relationship. Obviously you and your Husband have a connection emotionally or you both would be in separate places right now. Noone can tell you to make a choice, only you can do what's right for you, but, this situation doesn't sound good. just the fact your guy misses someone else makes you look "second best".
But it all depends on how you feel and where you fit in this.
Get yourself some Counseling and they can help you sort things out where you can make a decision for yourself and kids.
Good luck to you!
2006-12-27 15:55:04 · answer #3 · answered by julesrules 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, why is he missing her? What is it about her that he was not getting from you? There lies your answer to not only why he is missing her, but why he had an affair in the first place. And also what you have to do together for both of you to get over the whole thing and live a happy life together.
Affairs are not a one way street, it takes two to tango. What he did was wrong, but also realize your part in his affair. for some reason the door was held open for him to have one. This other woman was giving him something today that you used to that he desperately needs.
Affairs are a cause and effect. The affair was the effect, so what was the cause of it.
I've been there, I know. I had an affair. Why? This other woman was there when I needed her. My wife wasn't. I was having a hard time with some things going on in my and our lives and this other woman listened. My wife wouldn't. It just evolved from there. She was giving me what I wasn't getting from my wife in our relationship. And, I should have been.
Realizing both our parts in my affair helped us to work on our relationship and forgive each other. Today our relationship is better than before the affair.
On the subject of forgiveness. If you are to forgive him than you have to forgive him completely. You can't keep bringing it up and beating him over the head with it.
As far as him getting over her? He obviously was in love with her, but not as much as he's in love with you. It was a break-up. It's going to hurt for awhile (remember the last time you got dumped by a boyfriend?). He just needs time to heal, just like you do.
I know I moped around and pined for her for months and months. I still do once in awhile, and it's been four years. But like I said, my marriage is better than it ever has been and I can't imagine not being with my wife for the rest of our lives. She is the best woman in the world.
Be the best you can be for each other and you'll do just fine.
Good luck.
2006-12-27 10:20:37 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
What concerns me is the fact that you said he decided to stay with the family. Well that is mighty righteous of him. What the heck. He was very selfish in having the affair and it appears still is selfish. You should do some serious soul searching and decide if you are able to live with this situation and be able to forgive and move on in a happy and stable environment. I suggest that you get some counseling to assist you in dealing with your feelings. I would not worry about his feelings he has done this to you and his family. His selfish choices have gotten you in this mess. Worry about yourself, and do what is best for you and your children. Let him wallow in his self pity alone. Good luck and God bless****
2006-12-27 10:33:12 · answer #5 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Working through an affair and this ultimate betrayal is a very long road, I know that some people use couple's counselling and professional help and fix there marriage. You two need to want to make your marriage better and work together as a team. what was his motives to stay with you? is it because he is waiting for the kids to grow up? was it because she moved? or because he still loves you?
Work through this together, and if you see that you have tried all you can but it is still not possible then just divorce and move on.
Good Luck
2006-12-27 10:13:49 · answer #6 · answered by artist-oranit.com. 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
been there you should for the sake of the kids let it go there is no need to be stuck in a confused state of mind if he is going to be a man and still be active in his kids life then allow that it sounds like if the other woman moves closer he will indeed snoop back on her playgrounds the kids are the ones who are going to suffer if you decide to stay they will pick up the vibes and the thought of what love has to do with it they will grow up to think in a marriage its ok for the other person to cheat as long as they pick the family I'm sure you are a beautiful woman hold your head up my grandmother always said its ok if you let a dog bite you once but you will be the fool if you let the same dog bite you twice and don't think that having an affair on him is going to make it equal gl words of advice never look down on any one unless they are giving you head lol for the day leave gl
2006-12-27 10:15:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think his feelings are natural and to be expected.
You remember how puppy love felt back when you were a teen...that's what he's going through now probably. Intellectually he knows he made the right choice (you and his family) but emotionally he's still a bit nostalgic for that carefree-seeming infatuation. I am rolling my eyes because he was very immature to have an affair. I am proud of you for being willing to work with him to keep the family together though. It is a good sign that he communicates his feelings with you (even if they upset you). That shows he trusts you. I hope you can trust him with your feelings and you are sharing those with him. Painful as this situation is, it can eventually strengthen your marriage. If you can make it through this and still communicate your feelings honestly, then you can pretty much do anything. :-) You have my respect, empathy and support.
2006-12-27 10:08:41 · answer #8 · answered by krinkn 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
he should be more upset that he has a family that he was loosing instead of the feelings for this other person who ever she is why is it about his feeling? what about your family he is just trying to make himself feel better what about him trying to make his family feel better. You have got to be kidding me if you are going alone with this. also are you telling me the affair stopped because the other person moved 200 miles away there is this thing called e-mail, phones how do you know the relationship stopped and he is not upset because he didn't get to talk to her?? I would tell him to get his head out of his A** and get with the program. if he wants to make the marriage work great if not get over what ever it is. I would not give him a min. of feeling sorry because he is having a hard time getting over it what about you and your family. you can try all you want but if he is not willing to give it 100% you are just waisting time.
2006-12-27 10:17:15 · answer #9 · answered by NETTIE S 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I had an affair on my husband with another man but decided to stay with my husband because we are married and because we have a child. Our situation is the same as yours. The other man is living miles away so my husband feels no threat. I too have been honest with my husband and have said in my times of sadness that I miss this other man. I'm sorry for my honesty, but I miss this other man because I love him and have not experienced the same level of love with husband. You have to find out what it is about this woman he misses and go from there.
2006-12-27 10:16:46 · answer #10 · answered by applecheeks 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋