A a very attractive ex-coworker recently left my company that I was simply friendly with. She has a long-time boyfriend and I am on the cusp of a 10-year (but unmarried) relationship. Recently we had a discreet cocktail (platonic) that resulted in us both discovering that we have feelings for each other. Since then, neither of us can stop thinking about the other and what could be. We e-mail, instant message each other daily increasingly. But we both are deeply involved in each other's relationships. I cannot get her out of my head and it sounds like she is having the same issue. I've contemplated cutting off complete contact with her as I think it may be the only way to avoid a full-blown affair. What do I do?
2006-12-27 08:52:57 · 66 answers · asked by Pip L 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Also, we have not consummated the relationship or even kissed for that matter.
2006-12-27 08:53:55 · update #1
Simple, don't be unfaithful. Stay away from her. You will have to make the decision to cheat or not yourself. Just realize that. Later on, don't whine that "it just happened". Infidelity doesn't "just happen" it is a conscious decision.
You've obviously had a date already (a discreet cocktail). You are very close to being a physical cheater. You are ALREADY an emotional cheater. Cut off contact now and don't go out on dates with female co-workers.
2006-12-27 08:54:42 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
It's already started...it's called an "emotional affair" and can be more difficult to recover from than a one nighter or repeated casual sex for sex sake.
You answered your own question...you must break all contact with this woman. You don't really know this woman. Her desk at work was neat but her nightstand may be a nightmare. She is spit and polished at work but you don't know if she runs her fingers between her toes when she takes those pantyhose off.
You are lusting over an idea you have...a phantasy based in your mind only. The lust_er will wear off over time if you get together. Do some empathy work...step out of your shoes and into her b/f's shoes and ask yourself how it feels knowing you have been cheated on.
Stop taking her calls, e-mails, texts and every other way you communicate...a goodbye is not necessary, she will "get it". Then get yourself a big fat rubber band and put it on your wrist, not tight just on. When ever you think of this woman pull that rubber band back and give the inside of your wrist a good snap. The pain you will feel will be nothing compared to the feeling your significant other will experience if you are found out.
2006-12-27 09:21:31 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Youre not really truly interested in the affair itself but the idea of being a teenager in love again. The thrill of that special feelingof the first time, recollection of long gone memories,the thrill of getting caught up in a magical moment, etc. And even easier is a very attractive young lady apparently willing to participate in the game to recapture something you thought was long gone.. She has awakened feelings that were once fun and dangerous. This all comes down to what do you really want and what are you willing to lose if something happens. What if this turns out to be a really big mistake; a one night stand and no feelings. Can you handle the regrets that go with an affair? Grow back up and think really long and hard about this. Good luck and have a fantastic new year
2006-12-27 09:06:21 · answer #3 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you asking the right question here? The answer to what you've asked is simple....walk away. Cut off all contact. That will avoid the affair. I think what you are really trying to determine is if you want to stay in your relationship with this person that you don't find yourself committed enough to marry. The truth is that both of you are unattached. You may have other people in your lives but you are not married to anyone else. There is ultimately a reason for that. I guess right now you need to decide if you want to stay with your long-term partner or part ways and pursue this new relationship. That is the real question here and only you can answer that one.
2006-12-27 09:02:42 · answer #4 · answered by Pamela 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is your choice.
Pursue the new love (and leave the old one)
or
Stop developing the new love.
if you continue to do both...well you are already having most of an affair and it is pretty far gone. You have to decide what is best.
but you have to make a choice.
i've been there, i read books on decision-making and i made a choice. you don't have all the information (like how the new relationship will work out or if the new love will really be able to leave her partner...) but you have to decide without having all that information.....
it's a case of a bird in the hand and one in the bush...
you have to decide if the CHANCE for the new person is
worth more than the sure thing of the person you already have.
and you have to end one of the relationships by the end of the week. the longer it goes on with both the deeper the hurt.
YOU will be hurt the most, and other people will get hurt too.
the hurt and pain and problems are less if you end one relationship now. you really don't want the new person to see you as a cheater, right??? you really don't want to deceive your longtime partner, right??? decide and end one path now.
2006-12-27 08:57:34 · answer #5 · answered by BonesofaTeacher 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What you are both doing with the emailing etc. is unfair on both your significant others. You need to decide in your head if you want to be with your partner or not. If you feel that you can go off with someone else then perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship! Life is too short, live it to the fullest and be happy but do not hurt other people on the way. If you love your partner end the communication with the other person but if you are having doubts about your relationship (10 years is a long time) then end the relationship but don't rush into another one. If you are just lusting after this other woman then yes it will become sexual and that is unfair on the other people involved.
2006-12-27 09:00:42 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Seems like u already are having an affair, esp since you have had a discreet date with her.
Just stop all contacts with her and have some control over your mind. You are just lusting on her or have a crush on her. You'll be out of that feeling in a few days. You need to learn to control your mind and guide it in the right direction. Never let it Loose!! I hope you get what I am saying
2006-12-27 09:01:13 · answer #7 · answered by Someday 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're opening up a can of worms you do not want to open. What may seem to be strong feelings for each other may be a result of what's missing in each others existing relationship...do you remember what it felt like when you started with your existing partner?...trust me it's still there, it's just covered with dust that you both have forgotten to clean off. I suggest that you go to your existing partner and look at the person behind the eyes...that person is still there, you just need to look deeply. Do not make a mistake of losing your 10 year relationship because of something new...the grass isn't greener at all on the other side.
2006-12-27 08:59:55 · answer #8 · answered by radarjet67 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My friend... I hope you don't hate me for saying this. The affair has already started. It just has not ended in bed yet. You have already thought and contemplated having this affair with your ex-coworker. If you do not want to have this affair, cut all form of contact with her. Be honest with yourself, your current girlfriend and find out what is missing in the relationship. Help build it up again if that is what you both want.
2006-12-27 09:05:49 · answer #9 · answered by ppv918 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What you are doing is asking a question that you know the answer to, but are hoping that someone can give you an explanation to legitimatize an affair.
Your 'contemplated' ending should be a resolved closure but you already know that.
Forbidden fruit always has a sweeter flavor.
Get back down to earth.
2006-12-27 09:01:36 · answer #10 · answered by ha_mer 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have been with a woman for 10 years, and you have yet to have the feelings to marry her? You do need to move on, and see maybe where this relationship might take you. You wouldn't have such strong attractions towards this other lady if you were so deeply in love. Your not married, so what's the big deal??? The other lady isn't married either!!! How do you know she's not the one for you? It's not like your cheating really. I realize you both have "friends", but how many of us go through friends before we actually marry? To be true to yourself, tell your partners, before anything happens sexually. You act like talking to the opposite sex is a crime or something!!! RELAX, your only human, and only get one round on this earth!!!! The thoughts are already there, or you wouldn't be writing us!!!!
2006-12-27 09:04:24 · answer #11 · answered by sue d 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋