Well Im coming up on our Anniversary in Jan.I just want to know what would you do if your husband did the things mine did.He came to my G-Ma's house for 2weeks break from schooling from the Army for Christmas.Well its our 1st Xmas being married & with our son.He said he was gonna go for a walk at 5pm and he then came home at 5am Xmas morning.I found out that he went to a bar on our 1st Xmas.On top of that a few days ago we were at a jewelry shop and I asked him to buy me a nice wedding ring but he didnt get me 1.We dont have alot of money bcause we're just starting out but he ended up spending $1,000.00 at the F*cking bar! This whole year we only seen eachother 39 times because he just started joining the Army.He said sorry but he said sorry last year too.It was just worse this year.We broke up in the past bcause he drank to much.What do I do? I will not get a divorce so what should I do? How can I ever trust him again? He says sorry so much.I know we Love eachother with all our heart.
2006-12-27 08:13:12 · 32 answers · asked by K 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
How can I tell him dont spend your money on this or that when he makes the money to begin with?? He tells me Im in control of the money but he spends it like nothing.We dont even have our own car or place to worry about yet.Furniture is dammm expensive and a car and baby formula.
2006-12-27 08:15:49 · update #1
Find a good marriage counselor! Here's a link to Focus on the Family that might help www.family.org Whether he goes to counseling with you, or not, it will help (of course better if he goes too)
I don't think it's too late to go over these questions together either: Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying
http://coaches.aol.com/love-and-sex/feature/_a/questions-before-marriage/20061220121909990001
Your job is important too, you are a mom and homemaker! Think of all the jobs you do: mom (check pay for nannys), housecleaning, personal chef, personal shopper ... I currently make $25-35/hour cleaning other people's houses! Don't let yourself feel like you're worth less than him just because you don't get an official paycheck for your jobs. There needs to be mutual respect (and self-respect).
There's lots of info on the above referenced website, and there is a way to get referrals from them. Our teen daughter was going through some tough times and needed counseling, Focus on the Family gave us some referrals and the person we chose really helped. The referrals are to Christian counselors, but even if you are not Christian, they are good counselors who will help you work through things.
Good luck, hope things work out, my thought is that you are going to have to put your foot down (tough love) and you have a hard road and lots of work ahead of you! It is not good for your son to see his dad do these kind of things!
I recall that one of my nieces had some probs w/ her husband when he first went into the Navy ... I think she actually went to his commanding officer and discussed the issues w/ him ... I don't remember if it helped, or not. There are times when all else has been tried, that divorce might be the last resort, and if you've tried everything else, divorce might be the answer ... and the right thing for you and your son.
2006-12-27 08:22:22 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
It's only the beginning and it won't change. I left my ex husband when my son was 14 months old and it should have been sooner. Hell it should have never happened for that matter. Being on my own was tough but with determination and a TON of hard work I did it. I had to make the choice to leave while my son was young so he would never know any other way or take my chances and possibly do it when he was older and it would be so much harder on him.
My son is now 5 years old and well adjusted. My ex has finally started being a daddy but will never be a real father. he loves him, plays with him, but takes no responsability for him. I can say these things because I remarried in Oct to an amazing man who I now have a true family with. He adores my son and has treated him as his own for over 2 years and done it all without alienating his biological dad.
It's beyond hard but it can be done. Only you can decide what is best for the two of you.
2006-12-27 08:21:25 · answer #2 · answered by tracy042972 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Your husband is playing you for a fool. You, your baby and your marriage is the last priority on his list of responsibility. The bars close at 2:00am and he drags in at 5:00 in the morning? come on. Here's some advise...As long as you say things like I wont get a divorce, he'll keep doing what he is doing and that's everything but being a good husband. If my ex wife had your attitude about being a wife, I'd not only be with her but would show her everyday just how much she means to me, not spending all the money on who knows what and on who. My ex-wife wanted the only thing I wouldn't share her with, "Drugs" and that and finding her in my bed with her supplier cost her a divorce. I'm telling this very personal part of my life to save you from what I went through. She got down on her knees and begged me to take her back and it was a no go. why? it's all about trust, without trust, you don't have a marriage and I couldn't trust her. You need to look at the tree through the forest and see what is going on...not seeing what you want to be going on.Don't fool yourself, a leopard never changes his spots and the military won't teach him how to be a loyal husband, putting you first. Good luck to you and if it doesn't work out don't worry, you sound like every man's (that wants a real marriage) dreams come true. I can tell that by your priorities. :)
2006-12-27 09:19:16 · answer #3 · answered by dhwilson58 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Well first of all you have to do what is best for you and your child. And you say you won't get a divorce but it sounds as though your husband has a problem. You can either continue to deal with the b.s. that he keeps aplogizing for or you can seek happiness somewhere. You have to make your own decisions but if I were in your shoes judging from what I just read I would definitely leave him. Spending yall's first Christmas together at a bar? That is crazy, that would have been enough right there for me to let go. And about the love part, sometimes you just have to let love go. Because what you think is love may not be love but you won't know it until u let him go and discover real happiness and look back to see that you deserved better.
2006-12-27 08:20:55 · answer #4 · answered by xblackxtigerx 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
He may make the money, but it is for the family! So you should have as much control as he. As for the other stuff, a man will do what he can get away with! When he is caught, he will say he is sorry if it will benefit him, and then turn around and do the same thing again! He will do this as long as you allow it! You have to stand up to him for yourself and your son. If it takes leaving for awhile, he may see what he is losing and straighten up! If not, the choice is be miserable and put up with it or divorce. Make that choice when it comes. For now, lay down the rules and hold his feet to the fire if he breaks them! Hope this helps.
2006-12-27 08:25:54 · answer #5 · answered by Lonnie F 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well if divorce is out of the question then why are you asking what to do here? You have to live with it. Hes not going to change. You just sit back and allow him to disrespect you all he wants cuz he knows he can and he knows he will get away with it. I mean heck all he has to do is say"sorry" and go on like nothing has happened. He neglected and lied to you on Christmas. Bars do not stay open until 5 am so he most likely cheated on you. But I guess that is acceptable to you eh? You have no self esteem. You are in a really sad situation, sorry
2006-12-27 08:17:56 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy, but if you DO truly love each with all your hearts you WILL find a way to work it out. Marriage is about compromise, give and take. It sounds like he may be taking more than he's giving, though. You don't give your ages, but you both sound young. You are however, both parents, so it's time to grow up and communicate with each other.
A $1,000.00 BAR TAB?!?!? What in the hell was he drinking $100 shots or something? Or was he buying for the whole bar?
2006-12-27 08:27:22 · answer #7 · answered by kj 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Sounds like you have a real winner. Life's to short to spend with some one that has 0 respect for you or his kid. Why would you want to stay with this immature jerk? Muster up some respect for yourself and quit allowing him to treat you like a door mat. If you don't stand up for yourself who will? Take some action. Tell him the drinking stops or he needs to leave. Do you really want your child to be living like this? He's not even close to being a good influence on the kid. Take control of your life. You cant control him. If you wont get a divorce and he doesn't change then quit whining about it. It's your choice.
2006-12-27 08:26:22 · answer #8 · answered by autumn 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Sorry is just a word. This guys actions speak very loudly - you are NOT his priority. I would like to make excuses for the guy - he's been away, blah, blah, blah - but bottom line is - he'd rather spend money on drinks (for how many people is beyond me - $1000? I doubt it. Sounds more like lap dances, etc.) than on you. I would kick this one to the curb, honey. You've broken up in the past - which means the relationshop is already "broken" - he's not working real hard to not let the booze destroy you again. I say don't trust him - he hasn't earned it. Good Luck Honey, you're gonna need it.
2006-12-27 08:19:18 · answer #9 · answered by Bondgirl 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
He's sneaking off to drink and spending that much money? And you've had problems like this in the past? He has a drinking problem. He needs help, but your first concern must be your son. Do you really want this type of role-model for your little boy? Because this affects him too.
Please talk to your husband in a non-accusing way, and list out your concerns. I would also ask him to get treatment. I would even take the step of possibly seperating over this, because this is a HUGE issue. Please look at it like this:
1. he lies to you
2. alcohol is better in his eyes than his family
3. he is away a lot, and would rather spend time in a bar
4. you have a young son who will see this behaviour
5. you are disrespecting yourself by putting up with it
6. yeas, you love each other... but love is not the only thing. Respect and communication go with this, and he is not showing you either.
2006-12-27 08:19:40 · answer #10 · answered by shaclare 2 · 4⤊ 3⤋