Am I being selfish? Why am I upset over my cousin’s pregnancy?

Question

I called my grandma on Christmas day to tell her that my husband and I are expecting our first baby after 5 years of marriage, and this will be her first great grandchild. Before I could tell her she announced that my 21 year old cousin is 6 weeks pregnant by her boyfriend of a year.

I felt crushed and I let her know she will have two great grand children now. My uncle is upset with my cousin since it was a “surprise” but now the rest of the family is even more excited because they got engaged at Christmas too.

I didn’t want the spotlight, but my grandma lives out of state and I just got a “Congrats, I’ll tell everyone for you” like my baby news means nothing now. I am happy for my cousin and I really hope the baby gives her more direction in her life as she refuses to work, drinks excessively and parties a lot.

I guess I just thought the family would be happy for me giving my situation (married, stable, mature) and my baby was 100% planned and wanted.

Am I selfish?

Answer 1

1. Your cousin sounds like like a screw-up, so they are probably more happy about her taking some kind of control of her life than anything else.

2. You sound like you have things together, so they know that you will be nothing but stellar with your child. They are happy for you, but you were never lost.

Read the story of the prodigal son in the Bible. You are the older son in this case and your cousin is the younger son. Try to be more like the father in the story than the brother.

Answer 2

Hi Sweetie. No, you are not selfish, you are just human. You know, I have found out that in life it is not so much the things that people say or do that hurt the most. It is the things that we expected, the things that we hoped would happen, the things we were so sure that we would hear, the things that do NOT happen that hurt the most. You are right. Everything that you said is 100% right but you know, it boils down to that old saying "life is not fair". The only thing that you can do, and the thing that you must do, is to refuse to compete with your cousin in any way. As you say, her pregnancy was not planned, (much less worked at for five years!) and it is just not in the same league as your situation. I know it sounds hopelessly old fashioned but for lack of a better way of saying it, her baby was conceived out of wedlock and that may be why everyone feels that she needs extra attention. They may even be afraid that she will have an abortion and so they wan to show her how much love and attention she is going to have. I am sure that there are many reasons why they are behaving the way that they are.
More than anything they have taken from you somethign that can never be restored, the fun and excitement of sharing your wonderful news with your family. There is nothing that you an do or say now to fix it, the best thing you can do is to handle it with grace and dignity. Sometimes being a better person than you really are is the only defense that we have left to us. There is nothing else to do. From what you say of this young woman I assume that she has not had the pleasure of being in the limelight very often, this is her one chance. She will probably manage to mess this up somehow too. Be gracious and kind to her, you will be glad that you did.
Bright Blessings
LadyT~

Answer 3

I think that what you are feeling is natural. Of course this is a big step for you both and you wanted everyone to share in your joy. However, just because you will not give birth to the first does not mean it is somehow not as good. The blessed event of birth and motherhood is not a contest. It is a joy and a challenge - a blessing that some days may even feel more like a curse. (thinking far in the future--teen years here)

Back to your situation. Please give your family time to come around. Continue to include them in the progress. Ask for advice, make it a team effort as it should be. I am sure that your baby is very important to them and will be loved no less for being "number 2". In fact in years to come no one will ever remember who was first or second...it is only relavent for now. Do you remember the exact birth order of all your cousins and second cousins?

Perhaps you may consider that since your cousin does not have her act together they are making a bigger deal about it as a way to help her feel proud and supported and hopefuly not blow this and hopefully not kill the baby-- with the drinking and partying and wild ways? Since you are married and stable and responsible perhaps they dont mean to rain on your parade but they believe and TRUST in you to be a loving and supportive mother and thus your baby already has a BIG head start. Not the same can be said of the other child who with no set and stable family or mother will have a much more steep hill to climb from the very beginning.

Answer 4

No, you aren't being selfish. Before I found out I was pregnant, I was upset when a coworker had a pregnancy scare-she was 25, had never been married and already had 2 kids-this would have been kid #3 with dad #3. Your life is stable and the way it should be, your pregnancy should be celebrated. Not putting anyone down, but 25 or so years ago her pregnancy would have been more of an embarassment. I totally understand where you're coming from-you wanted yours to be the big news and it seems as though she's somehow trumped you. Don't worry about the rest of the family-it's your first baby and the first grandchild. Be happy and go with it, knowing that you'll be able to provide a wonderful life for your child. Congratulations!

Answer 5

Nope, you are completely normal. Every woman wants to be the center of attention when she is PG. No matter how much you like another family member, sharing the spotlight is irritating, especially when you have been responsible and feel like you have earned the good wishes and attention. And no, you may not consciously want the spotlight, but deep down inside, you do. It is just such a special time, and it is very normal to want others we love to recognize the specialness and celebrate it.

I think your Grandma is giving your cousin more attention b/c the story has a sensational aspect, and she probably feels like the girl needs more attention and guidance if she has been kind of screwed up. It might even be due to the fact that you are more responsible that she is focusing less on your PG. She knows you will handle it well and do a good job, but your cousin will cause her more worry.

It's the old case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease. Bit someday soon when you have your nice, smart, well-behaved child at a famliy function and your cousin's baby is running wild, you will finally be appreciated like you should!

Congrats!

Answer 6

NO, when I found out I was pregnant after 4 years of marriage and two years of trying my brother inlaw said they were going to try in December. I was upset at the reaction no congrats nothing.

What really upset me is My mother in law never said congrats or anything but, are ya'll sure your ready for this. I think it's a mistake. I am 26 first child he is 28 first child 4 years of marriage steady jobs, insurance, house, cars, happiness
and she thinks we arn't ready. Sorry off subject- pregnant ladies want to be in the spotlight even if its only for a while and you didn't get that. You pregnancy is special and congratulations your freinds should be excited.

Answer 7

You are not selfish, you just recognize the disparity and maybe you need to just be happy with the fruit of your diligence and effort in your own life. If you look further back, you may see a pattern of this "favoritism". My grandmother has always favored the screw-up cousins. I think she feels like she needs to overcompensate for their messed up lives. One example: I worked hard in high school, and graduated with honors. I was president of my senior class and gave a speech at my graduation. Instead of attending my ceremony, she chose to attend my cousin's graduation from a continuation school - - she graduated a year late because she had a kid at 16, and was kind of in-and-out of trouble. I guess she felt my cousin had overcome more obstacles, but didn't I deal with many of the same temptations every day? I just didn't kowtow to silly impulses.

I have been happily married for 17 years and have 4 great kids, but great-grandma really prefers the of unmarried - with - several - kids - from - multiple - absent - fathers kids. I think she thinks we don't need her attention, because we are obviously "okay". And, honestly, I'm okay with that, because we really are okay. I think I spent too long wanting to hear "I'm proud of you" from her, and it was just time wasted. Sometimes, I think she'd prefer if my life was chaos, because it would make her feel needed. Worrying about and rescuing my cousins and their kids gives her a useful purpose.

So keep doing what you are doing, making good choices and working hard at your own life. That is its own reward.

Oh! And congratulations on your new adventure into parenthood!

Answer 8

I see where you're coming from. I would talk to your grandmother and tell her how you feel. Maybe she is looking forward to this great grand child because it will be close and she can see it often. Long distance grand parents are hard especially if they have grand kids close by. It may even seem that the kids close by get more and better presents christmas and birthdays. I would just try to be more understanding of the long distant relationship you have with your family. Getting feelings out is good, it makes the rest of the family see that you care that they aren't treating you equally and maybe help them see how they are acting differently with others who live near by. They may try to make an effort to do more with you and your baby on the way. Good luck and God bless!

Answer 9

Same situation happened to me, I found out I was pregnant and my cousin did too, also for the first grandbaby! I don't think you are being selfish, I was upset at first too.....but I don't think your grandma really cares who has the first grandbaby, she is going to love both the babies either way and you can get her more excited by calling her more and talking about the pregnancy, Well, believe it or not this situation will resolve itself in time....and you will have a beautiful bundle of joy no matter what!

Answer 10

No you're not selfish. It's always disappointing when you're so excited about something and everyone else around you isn't.

In some cases it still may be the shock of your cousin's pregnancy. Give it a few days and you may get a better response.

Congrats! Have a happy and healthy nine months!