Divorced/Separated? Do you wish you had worked harder to save your marriage?

Question

Did you try to work it out? When do you know it can't be worked out? Do you know or feel in your heart when it is really over...?

Answer 1

I separated from my now ex-husband back in March after a very rocky and just horrible marriage. We had so many problems resulting from infidelities, lies, abuse, well pretty much you name it. We tried several times to work it out but nothing ever changed. The final straw for me was in March, when I found out that he had been having another affair (that was apparently going on for quite some time). It took every ounce that I had to get up the strength to end it and I know that might sound crazy because it just seems logical knowing that he's cheated so many times before to just leave, but I must admit had somewhat of a dependency on him and did care about him on some level. However, I knew that it was over there and then because I gave him one too many chances and I just couldn't go on living that life where I was miserable and unable to trust him at all. I was with him at that point thinking that he had finally changed and that I was right in staying and trying to keep our marriage together for the sake of our daughter but after finding that out in March, I realized that staying in that relationship was not what was best for myself and especially not for my daughter because I do not want her to ever think that our marriage is what constitutes a healthy relationship. After separating, I went through the typical range of emotions where I would think of the good times him and I shared and would actually entertain the idea of allowing him to come back. However, this time it was different because one, finally other people like my family and friends were made aware of what our marriage was really like and served as a backbone of support for me so that I wouldn't feed back into his lies and then second, I also kept using my head for once instead of my heart and kept reminding myself as to why we were at this point. He tried to reconcile several times and it was emotionally draining to say the least. When you go through a divorce, it can be very devastating because you are losing a piece of your past and losing someone that has been part of your life for so long and it can also be quite scary because you are now embarking on new life where you are thrown back into the independent lifestyle that you haven't really been accustomed to in so long and as a result can cause you to feel quite lonely. Every time that he would try to reconcile, I would almost give in mainly because of the reasoning that I mentioned above of )being both devastated and depressed and extremely lonely) but again, I would remind myself of what he had done and the sheer fact that he always used his words and would make promises that he never followed through with his actions. As soon as I would think of that it would just cause this feeling in the pit of my stomach almost like dreading going back to him, so its needless to say that I didn't. I mean once you hit rock bottom and you have given everything that you have to give, the only approach you have left is to either give up and give in and be miserable or find happiness on your own terms whether that means having a relationship with someone or letting go of someone. It definitely has been a rough year because of this whole ordeal but I look back with no regrets. The emotions and heartache that I did to an extent feel after ending the relationship and then going through the divorce have pretty much subsided and I can say with great confidence that I am at a better place then I was when I was with him and am completely happy and detached from him and that relationship. The only tie that I have to him now is through our daughter and so long as he is good to her (and he pretty much is), I have no problems with him and I forgive him for the past. Like I said I worked as hard as I possibly could to make that marriage work but unfortunately sometimes it doesn't matter how much effort you devote because it just simply put wasn't meant to be. No one goes into a marriage thinking that the end result will be divorce but when it turns into something that drains you emotionally and causes you to lose part of yourself and be less of the person you could be, it is definitely better that each party go their separate ways. The thing I work harder for now is to find my purpose as well as happiness and give my daughter the best life that I can. These things are so much better to strive for then wasting your time on things that can never be fixed. Take care :)

Answer 2

It is worth stopping because even if you do not believe in God, does not mean His rules do not stand and He sees this as fornication and that is because He made man and woman to marry and have sex within that marriage bond. That could be why you feel sad actually. Many who have studied the bible were having sexual relations but when they came to appreciate how God feels about this, they stopped and got married and then so forth. My husband also wishes he had been a virgin when he met me; sadly I am glad I wasn't - guess that is something to do with my childhood, which is another story. You will find that people in general think you strange to want to stay pure for your wedding and that is because every goes today. But your Creator's Rules never change and He would be very proud of you and your boyfriend if you both got married first.

Answer 3

I am separated right now. I wish it had worked out but it didn't and I just came to the point where I knew it wasn't going to work. I don't feel good about it, but you just know.

Answer 4

I'm separated and trying to work it out. It's hard, so much has come between us. We are trying to figure out if we can make it or not, and we don't know. The hard part is being in this situation and not being able to afford counseling, which I think we need.

Answer 5

Yes you know when its over in your heart,because you dont want to try anymore and when it reaches that stage there is no point trying because the love has gone,i couldnt have tried any harder and somewhere along the way i didnt want to try anymore!

Answer 6

You can only try so much at anything in life before you have to just say "it's over". Sometimes it IS time to move on. Life is trying to tell you It has something better waiting for you. Wake up and listen.

Answer 7

I'm in a marriage for the kids right now. A nice sexless marriage. Not that we don't like each other or are good parents. Just no sex....Kinda sucks!!!

Answer 8

yes i do= i did not listen to my husband when we he told me he needed more out of me- i did not believe that he would leave our 28 yr marriage for a younger woman- if i could turn the clock back i would try harder.

Answer 9

I tried to save it. I was giving 110% but she was giving 0. No way was it going to work.

Answer 10

Three times for me,last one we divorced 10 years ago, I should have tried to salvage it, I'm still in love with her.