Woman Only Please....If you have not been through it please don't respond!?

Question

I found out my husband of 4 yrs has/had been cheating on me back in October. I am trying work on "getting" over it, but nothing seems to be helping. The anger still building inside and let me tell you I have no problems displaying the anger. The trust issue is completly gone and at this point I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel for it to come back. Have any of you had a cheating husband and was able to make your marriage truely work or am I just wasting my time? I keep sinking into a deeper depression and I can't seem to let any of it go and getting more confused of to stay or go.

Answer 1

My husband had an affair and I felt the same way you do. My emotions changed by the minute. He has been very remorseful and he is also struggling with his guilt. There was a time I wanted out, and to be honest I sometimes think I still do, but then I calm down and look at what we have shared the past 13 years. He made a terrible mistake and owned up to everybit of it. He places the blame on nobody but himself. Although I like to blame a lot on the tempting little hussy. We are both committed to our marriage and even renewed our wedding vows. He made apublic apology for what he did to me, and was really sincere about it. We have been in counseling for the past 6 months and things get better everyday. I still have my "bad" days, and he is there to see me through them and reassure me. I have more good than bad days now, which I consider a huge accomplishment. He says that since all of this he has come to realize exactly what he has and loves me more than he ever thought he could. And I have learned not to take the small things for granted anymore. We have become much closer and more in tune with one anothers needs. The respect for each other has grown tremendously. Its going to take a lot of prayer, and read all you can about surviving affairs. Knowledge of the situation always helps. Or it has helped me anyway. My husband and I read a lot of book and couples workbooks together. You both have to be 100% committed to working this out, and its going to take a lot of work. You both have to be completely honest and get everything out in the open. You both need to be an open book at this point. Don't believe the crap about 'once a cheat, always a cheat' and don't listen to all the people that have never been through this tell you to 'get rid of the scumbag'. You still love him, if you didn't the news you heard would not upset you. We are all human, and nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. Trust me, I know its hard but if you choose to try to save the relationship, try to let it go. When you have 'bad days' he should be willing to listen and answer....but not everyday, it will really strain the relationship and it will tear you apart. When you start feeling down, go for a walk, sweep the floors...anything...don't just sit around and torture yourself. Try to keep your mind busy. And when all else fails just pray. Its soooo hard I know, but I see my husband and son everyday and see just how much it is worth it. I could just have easily made a mistake and I would like to think that he would be as willing to forgive. If your husband is truley sorry and remorseful and he is there to support you...at least try to give him a chance...who knows you may be suprised. I truley hope that everything works out for you. Just don't make any rash decisions right now, you are not in the right emotonal state of mind. Wait at least 3 months. Don't do anything you will reget. Let him see how strong you can be, build the love and respect back up piece by piece and eventually the trust will start growing before you even realize it. Good Luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you. If you believe...you can achieve!!!!!!

Answer 2

WOW! This hits home so close for me that it's scary. I'm divorced now and planning to remarry within a yr or so for the 2nd time. I had been married for 4yrs when my husband cheated also and yes, it's like dejavue, it was in October when my ex met the other woman. I discovered the affair on Christmas day when she called him at home on his cell phone that night just before I was about to give him a last gift (a new wedding band). I was 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child and that was the worse nightmare I had ever been faced with.

I was depressed and confused--I know all too well what you're going through and I can only say that time and prayer is what it's going to take. I can't tell you how to make it work because my ex didn't even want to talk to me to try and work things out. I had the baby under some near death sickness due to this whole cheating thing. I had major surgery and they almost lost me. He never came to the hospital which made me realize that he no longer loved me and did not want a family. I went through some major anger displays and depression that seemed to last much too long. It's all about how you feel--I could never trust my cheating ex again but that's because he never showed a sincere initiative to regain my trust and rebuild our broken family.

How is he reacting to all of this? Is he trying to regain your trust? Do you still love him? Can you see yourself getting past this if he puts forth the effort? Will he answer any of the million questions I know you must have? Every one of these questions must have a positive answer or the chance of the marriage working will be very slim. I can only pray that God heals the wound that has been inflicted upon you so brutally. It's a wound that may be open for quite some time so if you are together, he must understand this. His apology must be sincere and not forced. Trust is something that's so hard to regain in a marriage. If it's not there, you will be pretending and you won't be happy. You deserve to be happy so don't feel obligated if you truly are more depressed staying in the marriage. Perhaps even a temporary separation may be feasible if you both agree--you need some time to clear your head. Don't let it tear you down as a woman.

You will get through this, no matter how bad it may seem. You're going to cry, you're going to be angry, you're going to get depressed, it's automatic when you love someone and they betray you. Just take it one day at a time and focus on getting your peace of mind once again. You may want to try counseling--if not for both of you then do it for you. It's not a bad thing. Everyone needs someone to talk to and friends and family might not always be the best outlet for everything. Especially the one's who are not even able to relate to what you're going through--they won't understand.

May God Bless and Keep you... you will be in my prayers.

Answer 3

I've always been an advocate of doing what your heart tells you to do... but sometimes you need to suck it up and do what you know is the right thing, however hard that may be. First and foremost, be honest with yourself. What is a relatioship without trust? If you are in a situation that is making you miserable and you see no way of making it better, then get out. I'm not saying divorce is the answer, I think too many people rush into that, but you need to know what is best for yourself. Life is too short to be bitter and unhappy.

Do you think he'll do it again? Do you think you can trust him again?

Above all, you need to find a way to express yourself and releive your anger, otherwise at some point you will explode. Talk to a friend, a counselor, your husband, anyone. Maybe in doing so you'll discover what you really want.

Answer 4

There is no right answer for this situation. Have you tried marriage counseling? You need to get to the root of the problem. Why was he cheating? That is the question you need to answer. Only then will you be able to decide if the marriage is worth saving. If he was cheating because he was unhappy, unfulfilled, or something was missing in your marriage, moving forward may be possible (or ir may not). However, if he has no reason (keep in mind there is no GOOD reason for straying), then this marriage is more than like likely already over. I also strongly recommend seeing a therapist, either together or on your own. Many people have moved past a mistake or indescretion in a marriage. But keep in mind, many have not. No one can make the decision for you. Work through your anger with a therapist, and see if there is anything worth salvaging. Take it one step at a time. Do not feel rushed, because he completely violated your trust, and you have every right to be upset, hurt, and feel betrayed. I'm so sorry this happened. Please feel free to contact me to talk if you need to. [e-mail]

Answer 5

I hope you find peace. I know it's hard. Marriage is hard enough without added complications brought on by a cheating spouse. I have been in your position but it's been less than a year.

Every couple is different. As painful as it was, it has brought us much closer together. He is so much more sensitive to my needs and although I try not to show the pain I still feel, he sees it. It's unspoken, but he is there to comfort me.

If you are feeling symptoms of depression, plese seek help. Antidepressants can make a huge difference even if they are only temporary.

We haven't gone to counseling yet, but we plan to. You do have to let it go... or at least appear to let it go. It can't be something that hangs over your marriage.

On his part, he has to be willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable. If that means checking in with you several times a day then so be it. He has to do this willingly without hesitation.

My husband teases me 'cause I go to Dr. Phil alot, but there's lots of helpful advice, some of which is specific to infidelity.

http://drphil.com/articles/category/5/21

Good luck. Most marriages are worth saving and many people have told me that I am a better or stronger person than they for sticking with him. The same can be said for you.

Answer 6

No one can take away the anger, the hurt and the depression you're going to feel from being cheated on...things like this only go away with time. I was cheated on once by a boyfriend, and although I know that's on a completely different level than your situation being married, I completely understand how feeling like all of that time you've spent with him is a complete waste and the resentment you feel towards him and the depression you feel of maybe you weren't good enough? But you've got to understand that his cheating probably had nothing to do with you. Men (and women) who cheat don't do it because there's something wrong with their significant other, they do it because there's something missing in their own lives and if that's the case with your husband than he isn't right for you.

The only way to get through this is to get some counseling and then say goodbye to the jerk that hurt you so bad. Stand up for yourself and make sure he knows you are NOT going to tolerate this kind of behavior because you are better than that and you can find someone who's worth your time and attention who will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I have been through it, I am so sorry that you are. It is the most devastating thing that can happen to you. There are several factors involved some men make mistakes and never cheat again. Which one do you have? THat is the biggest issue. The most important thing is if you want to stay and work it out u are going to have to let go of the anger. There is no other way. This anger will eat you up. You have to say I want to keep him and to do that I have to allow him another chance. If you cannot do that let it go now.

Answer 8

I'm not a woman, but the way your question is phrased, it doesn't make any difference. The only way you'll get over this and move on is to be in a different place. You will to take some "me" time and decides whether your marriage is worth saving or not. You might also consider talking to a counselor who will help you identify the issues at the heart of the problem. Be brave and open to comments and also criticism.

Answer 9

My husband cheated on me as well and I couldn't bear it. He broke the vows that were so holy to me and although I could forgive him I couldn't forget it. When we tried working it out and the first time we tried making love after that I can picture him and the other woman. I ran out and cried and told him it was over. I would never be able to trust him again. We're going through a divorce now. If you love him and really want to try seek counseling but once you lost the trust it is hard to get it back. Infedelity would do that to you.

Answer 10

Back when I was only 20, my first boyfriend - who was 34 - cheated on me. Well, I never saw it happening but I got the impression that some of his friends that were women were also bed buddies. It ate away at me most nights and after 8 months I broke things off and never looked back. It was an incredibly good decision. Once the trust is gone, it's so hard to get it back again. Move on from this man and you will find happiness again.