Can you please tell me what you think of this intro to my story?

Question

I'm writing my first satire.Tell me what you think of the intro please------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late on a balmy summer's evening, a few hours before the events that led to the destruction of the world began, I arrived at the city of Lundda. Word has it that this was the greatest city in the world.
That night I was quite happy with the way everything went. The city wasn't as costly as I had expected and I managed to taste some of its legendary joys. That included feverish sex with one of those famous Lunddan prostitutes and getting drunk on the finest spirits I'd ever tasted. I went to bed utterly satisfied with the way things were going.
As I laid my head on the pillow I revised my plans for the next day. I would wake up early, have a quick breakfast, pay the innkeeper, then go searching for the city's best breeder from whom I would buy a couple of blue hairy beasts, healthy male and female capable of mating------

Then I would return to the southern port of Buckelham and wait there for the first ship heading for my home country. I expected that if all went well, I would be home before the month ends. I closed my eyes and went to sleep with a smile on my face.

Yet during the two seconds that passed between the moment I opened my eyes on the next morning and the moment a wet, funny smelling, handkerchief descended upon my face and gently sent me back to sleep, I managed to develop an eerie feeling that things were not really going to proceed as planed.

It never crossed my mind though that I was becoming entangled in the nightmarish chain of events that led to the collapse of civilization as we know it and the total eradication of man kind . . . again.

Few hours later, I woke up screaming as a result of being deliberately placed in the path of the rushing contents of the coldest bucket of cold water I ever had my face splashed with. I was totally clueless as to what was happening to me.

Answer 1

It's good, for a start.
Though there's something off about the tense. It goes from past to present in the same sentence sometimes. I used to do that to, it's confusing at first, especially when you're about to embark on big intense project- so many things to keep track of.
You definitely could work on developing your own style a bit, that just takes time. But right now there isn't enough weight in your tone, or flair, or very much energy at all. It's all about word choices. Tell me, are you conciously adhering to an inner rhythm, because I think you should be.
My only real advice is to power through it, finish the project, and then start on the next. I'm guessing you'll like the next thing you write even better.

Answer 2

I believe that you are seeking an honest opinion. I will give you that. I know from experience that good writing is extremely difficult to achieve. I have attempted to write hundreds of short stories and have always fallen well short of perfection. However, I keep trying, as should you.

In my humble opinion, unless these is a secret message or code in there, your attempt falls well short of mediocrity.

If you are only attempting to stretch your creativity boundaries by rambling about your own fantasies and dreams, that's fine.

If you are serious about becoming an adept author, you need to invest extensive quality time and energy into learning the craft.

You could use the blog environment to experiment with different styles and methods

You have potential, as we all do. In order for you to succeed, you need to separate yourself from the crowd by putting a unique twist to a solid plot line.

Good luck.

Answer 3

wow! no really, wow! as for the whole setting, plot and details go, so far, your on a roll. just a piece of advice, i see no use for the beginning where the character comments on his joys with the prostitutes? it sort of goes of track. maybe if you would hint more on his eagerness to get a hairy blue creature, that would let the flow of the story ride more smoothly?! but other than that, i cant wait for chapters 1 through what ever.. i'll be your first buyer once your book gets published..(if thats what your planning on doing)

Answer 4

Very good.