Makes a change, but here's an 'older' person asking for advice?

Question

I'm married to a man who hates christmas, thats not the problem. What is the problem is that he makes my life a misery. I have five children from two previous violent marriages and also four grandchildren. They are not allowed to see me over christmas, my husband will not allow it. He is a bully, all I need is the strength to leave and go it alone,please tell me if you think that I am doing the right thing. We rent the house that we live in and he has just told me that unless I move away, I will be homeless

you are all telling me what do know underneath, thank you. I am not just saying that. Yes he is worthless and he is trying to make me feel the same. But believe it or not you have all really helped me and i will walk away from him and its good to knoe that so many people are behind me.

Answer 1

Oh god this is awful, and i can relate to bits of it. I was in a relationship for six years with a guy who put me through mental torture. I wasn't allowed to see my parents over christmas and he hated me having friends, to the point that i just did what i was told and lost almost everyone. I couldn't face getting up in the morning and hated my life. I took the huge difficult step of finally moving out once i had saved up £1000 for a deposit on rent for a flat. I moved out 2 months ago and moved over 200 miles away and i can honestly say i'm so happy now and it's the best thing i ever did. It wasn't easy and it's a time i would never like to re-live ever again. I'm slowly building my life back up and i feel better now than i ever did in years. How dare he treat you like this. Can't you move in temporarily with one of your kids til you get a flat (speak to local council) or rent somewhere. Please believe me you have to get out - you don't have to live your life being dictated to like this. It's the best thing i ever did and i don't look back. Sometimes i do though, but with great sadness that i put up with that treatment for years. He took the best part of my 20s. I wish you good luch for the future, and believe me - you will be surprised at how strong you are once you've done it. xxx

Answer 2

Oh my, sounds like you have picked all the wrong men in your life. You need some really good counseling to help you get out of this relationship the right way and also how to pick a man for yourself in the future. Why would you have allowed this man to be a bully to you? Why did you marry him in the first place? He might be a bully buy you have allowed him to be this way to you and your family. Some how you are doing it all wrong. Get some help and get it now. Don't let another year go by without knowing what it is that you are doing wrong. Set an example for your kids and your grandchildren. You sure don't want the next generation to live the life you have. Get rid of this loser and clean up your life. Get yourself some good self esteem because you are really lacking in that department.

Answer 3

Hi there

You hang in there - you will find the strength and courage to go it alone - you don't have to be the one to leave, if you are married you have equal rights to stay in the home - why not be really strong and ask HIM to be the one to leave. He is a bully and gets his kicks out of making you miserable. There is hope out there, and some good men, but you have to first be happy to go it alone for a while and build up your own self confidence and self worth. It takes guts to make the change, and a lot of tears, but believe me it's worth it in the end. I was married for 22 years and got divorced over two years ago. I now have a lovely new partner and couldn't be happier. Take care and good luck - there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to head towards it.

Answer 4

It seems to me the only way you can go it is alone, you sure can't pick a decent man. Ask your kids for a place to stay until you get on your feet. You can get free counselling from Catholic charities and call and make an appointment at displaced homemakers they will help you with jobs etc. It's time to stop being a doormat and take care of yourself. Sorry if this sounds harsh but, you already know the right thing to do you just need a kick in the butt to get you going. There is all kinds of free help out there for women like you, take advantage of it. Oh, if your kids can't help you call your local women's shelter, they'll give you a place to stay. They'll also steer you in the right direction as far as free help goes. Good luck.

Answer 5

Mary, don't let him control you like this. Break the cycle now. Check to see if you could move in with one of your adult children until you can possibly settle into the same State,Town, or City they live in. You do not own a home so you don't have to worry about who gets the home in the divorce. Take your immediate personal belongings and have a family member be there the day you are ready to leave.

Make this decision and do not look back. Time is very precious and spending it with your children and grand children is very important to you and to them.

You will not be homeless have faith, you will come out of this okay.

Answer 6

You need to get out now. When a man wants to isolate you from your family that is pure insensitivity. He's not allowing your family to visit over christmas? will he allow you to visit them!? what's his rationality. he can chose not to participate, but to deny you that right is selfish and manipulative. He's controlling way too much. Then he wants to move you or else. Away from the family. He's slowly removing your support system. that's unhealthy and just wrong. Now if he had a great job that meant a better life for you all, that may make him focussed, but one of the 1st steps in abuse is to remove the victims support. Remove them from family and friends so that they have no one to turn to and then they are truly helpless. You have friends and family that can help you out until you can get back on your feet. If he cares about you, he'll do right by you. YOu've done better, but you may have found another abusive guy in training.

Answer 7

You know the answer don't you. Change the locks and send everything he possesses to his parent's or friends in a taxi the next time he goes out of the house.
However, i think you also need to work out why you are obviouly attracted to the same type of man over and over again. Or at least why you do not end it at the first sign of unacceptable behaviour. Get some counselling so you do not make the same mistake again.

Answer 8

You're being abused. The Christmas issue is only one manifestation of his insecurity and childishness. He continues to threaten and try to control you. This is unacceptable. If he loved you he would be interested in your happiness. I'm not sure why he hates Christmas, but he should respect the fact that you have grandchildren, and if he can't take any joy from them at Christmas time, then he needs help - but not from you. You have to remove yourself from this situation. If you wish to help him you can, but be aware that it may be too late for a man his age, and you must first be beyond his 'control'.
I hope this helps.

Answer 9

Your mental and physical health is more important then any in-adamant objects.

Just leave and go to a place you feel safe and secure, you don't need to worry about things like the house.

If anything is in both your names you can clear it all up through the courts once your feel ready.

When my mom left my dad she didn't go back for her half of all the possessions until 7 years later after she was strong enough mentally and guess what.... she got her half and left him in suspense for 7 yrs. he couldn't do anything until he had her signature and he didn't know where to find her.

So there is no rush in dealing with in-adamant objects, do what you need to do to be healthy and happy, and if that means leaving then start packing and leave him a note.

Answer 10

You know what you should do; and probably waiting on some support. You have all the support and get rid of his sorry, ruthless, self centered, controlling, emotional abusive BUTT. I'd leave him just when he least expects it and when you can do it. The best thing to do is leave him when he needs you the most and never look back.
He has no right to do you like that and there is no excuse acceptable for his actions.
I know it's all easier said than done; but for your happiness do it.
God will see you through and make things right.