Is it a rough patch or is it over?

Question

My boyfriend & I have been together for 3 years. The first two years were long distance-mainly just weekends together, but this time last year we gave up our jobs & sold our homes to travel together. Our relationship is pretty solid apart from our sex life is patchy (I have a higher drive & when things happen they tend to 'finish quickly' on his part) & we argue quite a lot (about most things). We normally talk through our arguments & resolve the issues-but lately I've felt he's been getting angrier-taking his anger out on me (only verbally). We've talked & he says he still loves me, still sees our future together & will work on his anger. Things are tough as we're staying in his parent's teeny spare room in a single bed. We're between trips at the mo (due to leave 3 weeks today for a year long trip) & I feel really unhappy. How do I know if it's a rough patch or whether it's the end? Should we still go away together or should I go alone? I do love him but am I better off walking away?

Answer 1

Living arrangements like that can kill they happiest of couples. Trust me I know from experience.

I think the trip is actually a great thing, you'll be able to get out there, relax, have fun and share new experiences together. It may help you guys focus on what brought you together in the first place.

Take the trip as a good chance for your relationship to get over this rocky patch, and if things don't get any better after giving it a good try I am sure you guys could part ways and continue travelling alone and either way you've not chucked away this great opportunity!

I do think you need to address the issue of his anger and really set some boundaries about how he can and cannot speak to you. Lots of people get angry but its obviously not very nice for you and if you can both work at it, it will save you lots of tears in the future. When I've had people go nuts at me, I try to stay calm myself no matter what he/she says and remind them to calm down. If you don't feed the fire it dies!

I think you guys are going through a bad patch. It sounds like you both really love each other, and you still see a future together, so to help get back both your sanity, stop dwelling on it and work on enjoying yourselves again. Things will fall into place again but you have to give it a chance first, and if for some reason they don't then you'll deal with it then!

Good luck, and enjoy your trip. Hope it works out for you x

Answer 2

I think that you would feel better if you tried everything reasonably possible to save your relationship.
If you do truly love him, and believe that he loves you, I think that maybe going on the trip together, and having one final go at making things work will make you feel better.
As you are not certain that you want leave, it means that part of you must still want to be in this relationship. The first couple of years living together are the hardest, which is why so many marriages fail in the first year or so.
Been in such a small space together cannot be helping things, maybe when you are on the trip and things are more 'normal' for you, alot of the tension will ease?
You can always consider relationship conselling with someone like relate, but as you seem able to talk through your problems, this might not be nessercary.
It does sound like your boyfriend needs to work on his anger, is he getting any help for this? Perhaps an anger management course or some sort of relaxation course like meditiation would help him overcome his anger?
Follow your heart, you love this man, so I think you should fight - do all you can to make this work. In 6 months or so, if there is no improvement, you can walk away knowing that you did all you could.
Good luck, and I hope both of you find happiness.

Answer 3

The trouble with relationships is that the grass does tend to look greener on the otherside where in reality, it rarely is. Relationships can remain solid, despite the problems that you describe, but you have to work at it ... and that means both of you. Difficulty in managing anger though is a serious difficulty and needs to be analysed and dealt with .... it will not go away or get better on its own. I suggest that you take the trip .... use the space to think quietly about if you are both committed to make things work. If only one of you is rising to the challenge here, then things will simply deteriorate. Love is sometimes an undefineable thing and recognising it is not always easy. Just ask yourself if being apart would hurt you? Would it hurt you to see him with someone else? Basic questions but if you are honest, you may just see more in this relationship than you are aware of ... don't throw it away just yet ..... but instead simply take quiet time out together, and individually, to see what lies beneath the surface .... good luck ...

Answer 4

The thing with long distance relationships is that they aren't very realistic. You are not able to go through day to day things with each other and see how the other one copes with life, etc. When the going gets rough, you have space apart and then you are able to come back to one another. Now that y'all don't have that, reality has set it. I would suggest that you sit down with him and seriously tell him how you are feeling about everything. Either your relationship is worth saving with sacrifices on both sides or you aren't meant to be together and should both go your separate ways. It doesn't mean that y'all don't love each other, just that maybe y'all aren't meant to be together for the next 50+ years. Try and stop somewhere long enough to get some counseling to talk some of these issues out with a 3rd party there. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Okay; you've travelled for a year together and had a blast and all that and now it's time to give up that and both get a job and a place together (or maybe separately) and see how your relationship holds up in the real world of juggling careers, etc. If you were both once responsible enough to have owned homes, then sleeping together in a single bed at his parents' house is not reality. If you want a real relationship, live in the real world. Then see what happens to his anger management problems and your lack of fulfillment sexually. If you long for the road, read Jack Kerouac.

Answer 6

It sounds like things are still salvagable here, but you should probably seek some couples counseling or try reading a book like "The 5 Love Languages" or "Crucial Conversations." All relationships go up and down after that initial "in-love experience" wears off. Just think, do you REALLY think the grass will be greener on the other side? Usually, you find yourself longing for the past when you remember them in a positive light? I know I do, so give it some work. Walking away just starts the process all over again. Remember, you are in this TOO.

Answer 7

I think that you should take some time out and evaluate the strong and weak points of your relationship. You have to make the decision whether or not you think that the relationship is worth the drama that you have been going through. You need to sit down with your mate and let him know how you feel and discuss the possibilities of making things better. It sounds to me like you are having a normal relationship, but if you think that things should be better, let him know (he may be feeling the same way). You guys have been together for too long and through too much to just let it go without trying. I've always felt that anything worth having is worth fighting for. You have to determine if that's the case here. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 8

Don't be too hasty to end it. Most likely a tough patch. You are both uncomfortable living there. It's temporary, so realize this. Both of you probably have alot of idle time on your hands and that can lead to problems as well. Stick to the plan and go and see how things are going. Just don't do anything you may regret later without totally thinking it out and weighing in all the factors to your unhappiness.

Answer 9

It is hard to say on here, without actually knowing you or even seeing you together. To me it sounds like it may just be a rough patch and may get better. Relationships take work on both parts. You need to ask yourself Is this what I want? Am I willing to work on this to make it better? If you answer no to either of those questions walk away. If the answer is yes to both, I think you have a good chance. Good luck!!

Answer 10

not good that you are staying in parents house and sharing a tiny bed and room. good that you are talking but may not be enough. you may need to talk some more. Have you talk about your lack of sex for example. intimacy is important in every relationship. lots of affections cuddles and kisses etc.Don't give up just yet, sounds like its worth saving. i feel you are stress out because you are worried about this trip. It can be stressful arranging a trip and waiting to go on a trip etc. sleep must be a problem when sharing a tiny bed which adds to the strain of your relationship. i would still go on the trip with your boyfriend because once you are on it, your relationship may improve. good luck with your relationship and trip. stress is the key to your problems in your relationship.