How to deal with controlling mother who is unhappy I am pregnant?

Question

My husband and I are in our mid 20's. We have been together for 5 years and married for 2. We finished college, bought a house and have careers that we are very happy with.

I am 7 weeks pregnant with our first child, we planned this baby and we are so happy to be starting out family.

We announced my pregnancy at Christmas to my parents. My father seemed happy about our baby news, but my mother just said, "Oh, congratulations." and was not happy nor excited to find out we are expecting her first grandchild.

My mother is very controlling, she told me when I should marry (at 28), when I should have children (after 30) and so on. She was pissed I married when we wanted and she is pissed I got pregnant when we wanted.

How to deal with controlling mother who is unhappy I am pregnant? She is never happy with any of the great decisions I have made! Since I didn't follow the life schedule she set for me, she is going to be bitter about my baby.

Any advice?

Answer 1

You really need to try talking to her now. Otherwise, it's just going to continue once you're a mom. She'll be trying to tell you how to raise your kid and/or criticizing you in front of your child.

"Mom.....if you'd like to be able to share in our pregnancy and the birth of your first grandchild, we're going to have to ask you to be supportive of our decisions. We are adults and we are doing what we feel is best. Just like you did things the way you thought was best when it was your turn to get married and start a family."

If your dad seems happy and supportive, you might try addressing your concerns to HIM and see if he'll talk to your mom about how you feel.

Answer 2

This could be me writing your story. I had the exact same situation. When my son was born my mom told me she didn't even like him. I've decided taht my mom is just jealous and wants to be able to own me. Getting married meant that I would be asking someone else for help with decisions. Having a baby meant someone else in my life was more important than her. I'm not saying that I STOPPED LOVING HER ANY LESS OR STOPPED ASKING FOR ADVICE, BUT IT HAS BEEN HARD FOR HER TO WATCH HER ONLY CHILD GROW UP AND BECOME A (sorry I accidentally hit caps) woman. Since my son has been born, she has fallen in love with him. At first it was hard, because she didn't even want to see him. But it has gotten better. My advice to you is to let her know you still love her and respect her wishes, but you are an adult and will make your own decisions. Keep trying and hopefully she will come around. If she doesn't, then you always know that you did yur part, and can't feel guilty. One word of warning- don't let her make decisions about your child. My mom doesn't realize that times have changed and babies sleep on their backs now, and I don't want my 6 month old eating peanut butter cups, and I absolutely will not bring him in her house if she is smoking inside. Make your rules clear right off the bat, or don't leave your child with her. This makes more strain especially if she's a control freak, but when it comes to your child's safety, don't ever back down. I'm glad you have a supportive father and husband, and I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 3

Make it simple for her...either she can be happy for you and your family or she can NOT be a part of the childs life. As harsh as it sounds you are about to be put into a position where your child MUST come first. Forget that she makes you unhappy...she will do the same to the child.

If you must keep the child from her than do it. There is no need to make the child feel unloved by their grandmother.

To go a little deeper (which this will sound odd and I could be off base but hey you asked) I think your mother is a control freak who is jealous of your success.

If you were a screw up I could see her being unhappy but you seem to have a good head on your soulders, you are married...and you can provide for your child both with what it will need and love. Is she can't be happy from you start pulling away now...you won't need the stress later in the preganacy!

Congrats...:)

Answer 4

Maybe she's upset because to her you didn't do things "the way they should have been done" but I think as soon as she sees your baby, and sees how happy you and your husband are she'll come around. Maybe she doesn't know how to act right now because she wanted one thing from you and you did the other. It's your life, and you made the decision. Just wait until she holds the baby for the first time I'm sure all her thoughts of you doing stuff "wrong" will go away.

Answer 5

I would say that she's jealous becuase she wasn't doing this well when she was your age. I can almost guarantee that once she sees the first ultrasound picture or when you start to show or it may even take as long as the baby being born, she will be excited and things will change. Just don't let her see that it bothers you. Continue to be excited, because it is an exciting time and don't let her bring you down. As long as you're happy nothing else matters. You've got the support of your husband and you both seem to be doing quite well! Just give it time. She will adjust. Congrats on all your accomplishments and Good Luck!!

Answer 6

I think I would tell her that you understand that as a mother, she had certain goals for you, but they were just that 'her' goals. You are a successful person and you could really use the support of a caring mother with your first pregnancy. I don't think that I would say anything negative at this time like "if you can't support me and my decisions, we will have nothing to do with you". You are going to be moody enough as it is being influenced by raging hormones. I wish you the best of luck and I think that just sitting down with her and talking is the best approach. Tell her how you feel, and try to stay away from phrases like, "you make me feel " or "you always". This will just lead to her defensive side and probably start an argument. There may be no dealing with her, however, at least you have tried to deal with her effectively. Good Luck!

Answer 7

Let me first congratulate you and your husband on your pregnancy. The two of you sound like smart, mature people who are making good decisions for yourselves. It's unfortunate that your mother can't, or won't, see that! Have you ever spoken to her about all this?
You have the right to live your life the way you want without worrying about whether she approves or not.
She may never be satisfied with what and how you do things because perhaps nobody ever praised her or gave her positive feedback (just a guess). While it's sad that she can't participate in your joy, you may have to suck it up and just realize that she is probably not going to change.
One other thought: can your dad speak to her about it, instead of you, and say how hurt you are?

Answer 8

Are you sure we aren't sisters?

my mother is the same way. She was so upset when I found I was expecting my first child. I ignored it and it was my Dad that came to the rescue. He was the one that was so in love with the idea of having grand children. I asked her to be in the room when I gave birth it made all the difference. My daughter that is now 5 years old has everything becasue of my mother. I love the woman, but she drives me bananas. She adores the child and is not at all bitter. If anything I wish she would back off. I am just scared that she is trying to do the same thing to her as she did to me.

Answer 9

Don't call her or email or visit for a few months. That's what I did with my control-freak mother. I just started speaking to her again on christmas day, but if she acts up again, she will be right back in the doghouse for a few more months.

It may not change her, but it sure did make me feel better!!! She has no right to be petty, bitchy, and controlling over you. Tell her to either be happy with your choices or she can not talk to you for a while! I think this technique, which I have used before, really works. It makes them shape up, at least for a while. Plus I get a nice break.

Answer 10

hello i can relate to your question very well! i got pregnant when i was 15. and my father did not want me to be with the father of the baby nor did he want me to have the baby. he went off the limb so bad he tried everything in his power. he was never happy with anything i did. and still isnt as far as that goes. but you have to deal with it the best you can because they will get over it. your mother just wants the best for you and doesnt want to get it through her head that you can make your own decisions. and be happy. once that baby is born she will change trust me. she may say things now, but who can turn a baby away? i thought my dad would hate my child too, but now my son is 3 and they are buds they go fishing and do all kinds of stuff together. i wouldnt fret over it. she will get over it because she has no choice. that baby is coming whether she likes it or not. and it is up to her whether or not she wants anything to do with her grandchild. but when she gets old and noone comes and sees her in the nursing home she will regret the way she was if she chooses to be like that. here i am pregnant with my second child and still with the father and my dad isnt soo happy about it but i dont care anymore.

Answer 11

I would tell her whats what and then ignore it! You seem plenty mature and ready for a baby. She will come around or face not being around her grandchild. My mother in law was the SAME way and she has learned to shut her mouth because her granddaughter is worth it. I think it was worse with a mother in law because not only was she mad about me being pregnant, but mad I was taking her baby boy! It's a fact of life and we have to live with. I would make your feelings known and just ignore it. Maybe exclude her from the shower plans and things until she can straighten her act out, I mean she needs to be excited and there for you!