How can I talk to my husband about how he makes me feel?

Question

I love my husband very much, but sometimes he makes me feel like my imperfections are unexceptionable. He's very much a perfectionist and kind of a work-a-holic. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do or say it's incorrect in some way. How can I gather up some confidence and try to explain this to him, without him getting mad and storming off?

Answer 1

If you can't talk to your husband who can you talk to?

Answer 2

The correct timing, proper enviornment and type of communication is key in helping to resolve or at least come to a better understanding of how to help better this situation.

Set a date to go out to dinner and be prepared to have the topic of your dinner conversation be about this issue. Start the conversation off with some really positive things you like about him, your marriage, your lives together etc. Then very gently and softly (and without accusing) let him know that there are times when...."you feel very sensitive and uncomfortable" when he.... (give examples) Sitting near him and placing your hands on his hand or around him and looking gently and directly into his eyes will help. End the conversation on a positive note. Letting him know you love him, respect him, proud..etc.

Don't have this initial conversation in your home, and definitely don't have this converation after he's does something that makes you feel this way. You can however, after the initial conversation on your dinner date (especially if he goes back to doing the same thing) give him a gentle and sweet reminder in a calm loving tone say ..."Honey, please remember our conversation at dinner and how doing what you just did/or said affects me".

Hopefully this will help. God Bless.

Answer 3

Explaining this to him is a waste of time. Stop beating yourself up. Do the best you can in life and if it doesn't meet with his approval, too bad. You're living on pins and needles for no reason. Find the confidence to accept your imperfections and ignore your husband's negativity. Perfectionists can't accept their own imperfections, let alone anyone else's.

Answer 4

Sorry to hear that. Look the worst thing that a person can do is think he or she is perfect when in fact they're not. The best thing to do is to first realize that he is not perfect even if he thinks he is, otherwise you wouldn't be feeling like this. Once you realize he is not perfect, let him know. Tell him that he is wonderful and great in every way except in your relationship. Then open up and tell him everything he has to hear. Some perfectionists need a wake up call now and then to keep them in line, because nobody is perfect, they just think they are.

Good Luck !

Answer 5

Eleanor Roosevelt once said that, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."

You said it yourself, he is a perfectionist. You knew this before you married him and it is part of his make up. That was one of the things that attracted you to him.

Now having said that, you can talk to him about your feelings and do it in a manner that won't start a fight. Plan your response for the next time he does the deed you do not like. Practice taking a deep breath and relaxing so your response is measured.

Men need direct communication. You probably think you have been direct, but you probably have not. Say to him, "Honey, when I hear a remark like that, it makes me feel bad -- like you do not love me. I know you do, but it still hurts my feelings." Take the dialog from there. Just do not get emotional about it. Take it very matter of factly and practice it each time you get the remark that you feel badly about.

It takes about 30 days to change a behavior. He may not even be aware that he is doing it. Just give it time and do not expect one conversation to change it. Time.

Answer 6

Don't ever be afraid to speak your mind. Especially when your confidence and self-esteem are on the table. You can approach him in a respectful way, and still get your point across. Just tell him that when he says these things to you, they hurt, and you wish he would have more respect for your feelings. If he storms off or yells at you, then HE is the one with the problem, and he needs help.

Answer 7

Rachel, if you're not able to simply talk to your husband without any fears, then you have a broken communication problem.

You need to build your self esteem up. I'm sure there's a strong side of you (deep down inside) somewhere. You need to learn that your husband is another person.

People will interpret things differently and they won't agree with you all the time.

Answer 8

Hahaha.....somewhere else on YA, your husband has probably posted a question, "How do I get my wife to stop yammering on about stupid stuff like her feelings."

Men and women think differently. VERY differently. Men tend to look at everything as a problem to be solved and the goal is to find out the right way or the best way of doing that. People who don't do this are considered dumb, neurotic or worse. People we care about, we suffer these idiosyncrasies because we love you. People we don't care about, tend to get the middle finger waved at them as they cut us off in traffic, if you catch my drift. You are just going to have to accept it (the way he accepts all the crap he gets from you). The most healthy way to deal is to simply understand that the source of this is a mismatch in how the two of you see and deal with the world. Don't attribute causes to his behavior based on how you see the world. It will make you crazy and 90% of the time you will be wrong about it. For every one of these, he has something just like it. If you talk about it with him, and get him to understand what is going on, it will go a long way toward getting him to not be bothered by this issue on his end also.

It's just biology. Men are built to go out into the wilderness and kill dinner. Mistakes often resulted in HIM being the dinner. Women are built to develop social contacts and alliances at home and with the clan. What other people are thinking and feeling is more important than being right. Not much has changed over the last few thousand years.

Answer 9

Write it all down in a letter! My husband never listens to me. Start to tell how I feel and he will butt in and throw stupid accusations and I end up not being able to finish and walk off without getting MY feelings out. So what I started to do is write it down and leave it on his pillow or put it in his lunch. There have been times that I really wonder if he read it or not just thinking "Oh my god another note!" when he saw it. But either way I know I got my feelings out and after all how could you just look at it and not read it. So even if he acted like he did not read it.....I know he must have and I felt better about it.

Answer 10

Ask him why did he Marry you, if he is so picky about your imperfections. BTW, no one is perfect, we all strive towards it. Your husband has to loosen up if he wants this marriage to succeed. Your problem is being affarid of him, be bold and let it out. You have two choices, live like this for the rest of your life until he dumps you, or take charge of the situation and try to make life better for yourself, with or without him.

Answer 11

You husband sounds like a control freak. I am also concerned that you are actually afraid to confront him on this topic. This sounds like you are being verbally abused. Not to scare you but this form of abuse can lead to physical abuse. Verbal abuse starts first. Please talk to a counselor, just by yourself at first, then incorporate your husband later on. Do not allow any man to put you down and not edify you. He has a problem. Good luck.

PS Sometimes a man's insecurity is the reason for this.