Married and live in women...do you feel unappreciated?

Question

I certainly do most of the time. I work full time, but my work doesn't end there. I pay the bills, balance the books, buy groceries, cook dinners, clean the house, handle birthday cards and presents, Christmas cards and presents, all of our insurance, income taxes. My husband also works. He takes out the garbage and maintains the cars.

HELLO?

How do women with children do it? I know I wouldn't have the time or energy for kids on top of the rest of it all.

My hubby has the week off, and I do not. I asked him to clean the bathroom sink. I came home...he had merely wiped down the countertop and claimed that was fine.

Do any of the rest of your feel totally unappreciated at home? You know, I pride myself on being an independent woman, but c'mon...I need at little help! What will he do when I die??? Live lik a pig and not pay the bills? Starve to death? And sorry, "I love you" isn't appreciation enough. We need help guys.

We both work 40 hour work weeks, and I bring home about 5% more income monthly than he does.

Answer 1

Create a situation (e.g., work conference, vacation with friends) in which he has the home to himself. Make sure you leave at just the right time - when the filth and squalor is unbearable. Let him live in that for awhile and he will see the importance of maintaining a decent home and appreciating you. In terms of other household tasks, again, create situations where he has no choice to to do it and it affects him more than you, if at all (e.g., making arrangements for something he really wants to do).

Before you try all of this though, sit down and try to reason with him. Explain your point of view and give it a little time to sink in. If it doesn't work, full steam ahead with the plan.

Answer 2

Yeah I can totally see where your coming from. My husband does the same thing. When I wasn't working, I did everything caused he worked all day. Then I got a full time job and told him the housework needed to be 50/50. Well he was really slack. I'd come home with two loads of laundry to do, the dishes, all the cleaning. Anyway, I got so sick of his lazyness that when I did the laundry I only washed my clothes. When I did the dishes, I only washed my dishes. When I cleaned the house, I only cleaned the mess I made. Sounds a little petty but I was trying to wake him up. Well by the end of the week he was looking for clean underwear, clean clothes, stuff he left everywhere but didn't know where to find it cause I didn't put it back in it's place. So then I said, " hey, your clothes are in the dirty laundry or all over the floor in the spare room. Or I didn't cook dinner tonight. There is sandwich stuff in the fridge. He began to realize all the stuff I really did around the house. When I came home a few days later, the laundry was done, dishes were done, candles lit and he was asking me what I wanted for dinner. So it worked. Sometimes you gotta give him a taste of his own medicine. Maybe he will come around. Good luck!!

Answer 3

I am currently the one working..with no kids at home. I would love to have some help around the house. Honestly, I don't think it is too much to ask for a little help. However, it does not do very much when I say anything--the trash is still sitting there waiting to be taken out.
When I had kids at home, I was in college full time and still did everything for the house and the children. That wasn't fun.
He probably would live like a pig. I walked into my ex's place ONCE and it was a mess...won't give you the details but let's just say the cat's litter box was the kitchen floor.
They don't see things we do. Like the bathroom sink (your example). Most of the time they are just content with the status quo.
No use in arguing over it. But do take some time off when he has to work and enjoy yourself!

Answer 4

I totally agree with you. I do all of the above with 2 kids. I really feel unappreciated. I work all day, pick the kids up from daycare, come home (about 5:45pm), start a load of laundry, start dinner, try to keep the kids out of the kitchen while I am cooking, feed the kids, bathe the kids, put the kids to bed, start another load of laundry in, etc....all while my husband sits on his butt in front of the tv either watching it or playing video games (since 4:30 or earlier.). He says that he helps, but taking out the trash is not what I had in mind. But then if he does more than that, he says that I am lazy. He wonders why I won't put out.

Answer 5

Like it or not, the brains of men and women work differently. Speaking in general terms and not specifically, men really appreciate a woman who really knows how to take care of a home. Most of us don't like to do housework. And most of us just really don't know how to properly show appreciation to our wives/girlfriends.

We have become a society of consumerism. We want what we want when we want it. We have to have big houses, multiple cars, big TV's, large cable bills, etc. etc. etc. I think it is time we get back to single income families and not worry about the extra luxuries.

All people tend to do the things that we think shows our appreciation. Usually, what we think shows appreciation are the exact things that we wish our partners would really do for us to show appreciation. This goes for both males and females. The big problem is that what we want is not always what our partner wants. Because our desires are different and the ways we show appreciation are different, we often feel unappreciated.

I know it's not PC to say this but quit your day job and just take care of your home. Make the sacrifices that have to be made to make this work. Your job, your role, of making a great home is the greatest job there is, even if it is way undervalued and under appreciated in our society.

Answer 6

As a man, I must admit that men are guilty of many times taking a woman for granted. You are doing the right thing in talking with him. Let him know that he is appreciated and that you need a little help. Ask him what sort of jobs or tasks he might be willing to do around the house. I know that in my case, I enjoy going to the store. It saves my wife a lot of time and I don't mind shopping for groceries. Too many men were brought up to think that there are certain jobs only a woman should do. That's wrong. Good Luck.

Answer 7

I totally and completely understand where you're coming from...I'm in the same situation. But this is an age-old issue that seems to never go away. Women do most of the work, and that's just the way it is. It would be nice if men would step up and help out, but it doesn't look like that's happening anytime soon.

Answer 8

You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. You both work out of the home, so when you both come home you should share the work there. Make a list of what needs to get done everyday and you write your name of half of the list and he writes his name on the other half. It's not going to be easy at first, but eventually he will realize that it's not easy for you and that he needs to help you out more. Once you have children it will be even harder to maintain a clean house (trust me I know). With his help, the house will at least look decent.

Answer 9

I could do this one all day but I won't because I think I understand a small part of it.

The sink. No kidding. They don't care about this stuff. And because they don't (many are really pigs at heart) he saw it as "clean". But that's not the whole story.

It's really hard for men to take direction from women. I know. They will kill me for this but it's true. If it's their idea. Their "area" (like the car, the yard, etc.) then fine. But when it's your usual domain and you ask them to step in they feel inadequate. They don't want us to tell them what do do because it puts them under us. And then we compound the ego bruise by telling them they didn't do it right.

It won't help you much, I know. But I think you'll find it true. I think the only way to get them to "help out" in their own lives is to make it their idea. Fragile egos. But hey. Gotta love em.

Answer 10

try not being married and not being the mother of his 2 kids...
he quit his job 2 weeks ago, doesnt have a car, so he uses mine. drops me off at work in the mornings, has my car to take the kids to daycare, then who knows what. he DOES clean the house, somewhat, and usually he is the one who cooks, but i do everything else. laundry, baths, bedtime, grocery shopping, bills, everything. and i feel like i am taken for granted just about every day. help would be nice, but honestly a 'thank you' would be even better.