I'm 36 yrs old, and I really want to have a father in my life. It's been so many years now, and even though my father abused me as a child, I still yearn for that connection. I don't know what it is, but maybe it's because he's the 'only' father I have, and I've tried to reach out to him, and he's feeling too guilty for what he's put me through, over the years, to reconnect with me. He sexually and mentally abused me, but I forgave him, years ago. I wanted him to have peace of mind, too, as I know this is why he is an alcoholic and a heavy drug user. He doesn't communicate with my kids (which might be a good thing), and it seems weird, but I won't allow my kids to get to know him because of what he did to me, BUT...I still want a 'father'....He doesn't even know my kids' names, or want anything to do with them!! UUughh..I don't know what's wrong with me. Do I need to just let him go? He still says hello, but that's the extent of it...I'm so confused right now!
2006-12-26 21:46:27 · 16 answers · asked by argamedius 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Get this...my father has never really been there, for me, as a father, and he's not really the sociable type. But when I see other daughters with their fathers, I get envious. I'm an adult now, and I feel I missed out on so much, not having a father. When my mother passed away, back in 1993, I really felt like I was missing my family!! I know he hasn't changed much, but that 'wanting a father' may only mean that 'father figure' in my life that I feel would really make a difference. My kids have another grandfather, but he lives across the country!! They never get to see him! I don't know what to do, or say...
2006-12-26 21:50:31 · update #1
I know it is hard but do let it go.
Is there a church you could go to or someplace where you could connect with a heathy male.
I know that he is your father but father is more than a noun it is a verb. If you cant avoid him for yourself, do so for your kids. As soon as he wins your trust you will 'forget' and YOUR kids will be next. Just try to recall how 'slick' he was when he was abusing you and how many people YOU told!!!!!!!!! He could do that same thing to them & it would be years if ever before you found out. Why would you want a relationship with an alcoholic and a drug abuser anyway. He said he doesnt want a relationship with your kids. THAT IS GOOD FOR the sake of the kids, but what kind of grandpa would say THAT? SHyt, stop calling him your father. HE was a sperm donor that is it! FAMILY is what you make it. This "GUY" is trying to give you a break. TAKE IT! The holidays can be hard with all this norman rockwell shyt on tv, make new traditions but dont bring this looser into your life. If he uses drugs pretty soon that will be your problem too...ever met an HONEST drug abuser? They steal and lie and break promises. STILL HAVING DOUBTS? Go to an alanon meeting (check your phone book) and listen to the lives of women who for whatever stupid reason) tried to change one of these 'men'. These users have made hell of the lives of all that they encounter. Havent you suffered enough?
YOu deserve better
2006-12-26 21:56:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is the sadiest story of this type I ever heard. You are a strong woman with the body of steel and the heart of gold! A lot has been already said here in terms of advice and consolation. I admire you for your ability to forgive at a time when you could take all the neccessary action to correct the past! Ability to forgive at the time of stregth is a rare virtue! But certainly you must and cannot forget. And for that reason, and that reason alone, you should not let him near your precious children. They have their grandfather and make sure that their relationship with him is routinly maintained.
Say hello back to your wrteched father and you may even help him to get out of alcoholisim and drug using. But that is all you can give him, and that is A LOT! Because of the terrible past, you cannot have the real father you dream of. But I am sure, you can. and must have a lot of elderly friends either from the your own family, or your husband faimily, or even from the community, with whom you could develope a fatharly relatioship which will compansate, not replace, the missing real father. I admire you, respect you and really adore you. All the best, sissy!!
2006-12-26 22:37:27 · answer #2 · answered by Ebby 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
there is nothing wrong with you girl!! you are human and want that love that only a father can give you!! the fact that you wont let your kids get to know him(which in my book is a good thing) shows that maybe even though you say you forgave him years ago that maybe you haven't totally. i had a friend who was abused and she forgave her abuser but still had problems. she dealt with the emotional part of being abused but had never dealt with the physical part. when she was able to deal with that she was really ready to forgive and go on with her life. as for the drug use and being an alcoholic, maybe when he gets the help he needs he'll be able to realize his mistakes, own up to them, and have a family again. if not(and this may hurt) his loss!! good luck with everything and i hope you really get the help you need!!
2006-12-26 22:05:15 · answer #3 · answered by flirty eyes 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't want the father you have, you want the father you SHOULD have had. This can't be solved. He is what he is. You could pretend he wasn't abusive, but you can't change the past. I suggest you encourage your kids to write their other Grandfather often. Long distance phone service isn't too much, so the kids could call often too. It's a mistake to try to fit your father into the "Grandpa" slot. He doesn't deserve it, and you and you kids deserve better. Do you and your kids really need a sexually abusive, drunken druggie, in your lives? Your father had his chance to be a good person, but chose to be a pervert instead. His choice- forget him, and let him go to hell on his own.
2006-12-27 00:27:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My friend has gone through what you are going through. She tried for years to maintain a "normal" relationship with her father after he sexually abused her from 6-13years old. When her own daughter was turning six she cracked. Moved to a new state & a new life - does not communicate at all. She will never heal mentally or emotionally but at least her girls are safe!
He is a sleaze and you should report him. Child molesters rarely change & he may be preying on someone else.
2006-12-26 21:51:34 · answer #5 · answered by girl from oz 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I will be frank with you:
1. your relationships probably failed because of your childhood deficiencies; Going back won't turn the tables!
2. you have beautiful children that do not need a pevert in their lives. what would you do if ur kids later discover their grandfather could just aswell be their father coz he hit on their mother!
3. He needs help, professional help; you can help but not on your own. not directly, atleast not while he is drinking and pushing drugs.
2006-12-26 22:01:54 · answer #6 · answered by Another face in the crowd 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's very normal to want a father in your life. And it's very good of you to have forgiven him. I don't even think I could do that. But, I don't think it would be healthy to let him back in. Especially if he's on drugs and over uses alchohol. You should go to therapy and talk things out. You might see things more clearly after you do.
2006-12-26 22:24:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you really need to seek professional help from a psychologist. These people are far better to ask because there are deep rooted implications that need sorting out and you need time to sort this complicated problem out. don't feel ashamed to seek professional help, they are trained very well and they have a genuine interest in helping people and they are very discreet. Any answer you get on here how ever well intended wont resolve your problem - it's far deeper than that. Please seek professional help, there is NO stigma attached to it and you can only benefit if you follow through with the treatment.
2006-12-26 22:03:24 · answer #8 · answered by spyderblade 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hey. afterall he is ur father and no parents wont love their kids right. you are old enough to have your rights afterall. but i feel that you shld at least try to build up a relationship that you yearn. let bygones be bygones and im sure you also wan to have a new relationship with your dad after all the bad childhood memories you got. its a special bonding that GOD gives you and you shld cherish it more. if you never try, you will nv know.
about his bad habits, if he turns violent then dun push him at the moment. try doing things that will touch his heart. to prevent yourself frm getting hurt physically, always talk or do things when he is in a sober state.
all the best! just rmb, which parent doesnt love their kids. None right? =)
2006-12-26 21:50:54 · answer #9 · answered by pink-cookies 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Fathers who molest their children are the scum of the earth! Why on earth would u want a replationship with him.. so what if he is your dad, that didnt matter when he was abusing you!
I am sorry, child molestors should all be hung!
And why on earth would you want your kids near a man that did that to you? He WILL most likely do it to them too..
2006-12-26 21:52:36 · answer #10 · answered by Mommadog 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋