My husband and I were expecting our first child and he slept with one of my best friends. I didn't find out about the affair until he was deployed and we had lost the baby to a pre-term labor, all months after the affair. We have a mutual friend that I was always attracted to that I turned to through all of this, who is male. My husband and I have talked about divorce since this happened, but he swears it will not happen again, but I don't trust him now. Our friend and I have spent hours and hours talking via messenger and realized that we were in love with each other. I truly love my husband but I feel that he will cheat again. And I love this other man, but he and my husband work very closely together overseas. I'm not sure what I should do. Should I trust my instinct and leave my husband or should I try to make it work with him. I'm know that whatever I decide will hurt, but I don't know what to do. They are both amazing men, good with kids, and both very compassionate. Help!
2006-12-26 21:24:32 · 18 answers · asked by armypwr22 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Also just as a FYI...This is not the first time he has cheated, although I wasn't preggo and he keeps saying that he won't do it again, this is his third strike...And I have known this other man for several years also and he and I have spent a lot of time together and have an amazing friendship that I never had with my husband even before we were married
2006-12-26 21:51:42 · update #1
Ok some quick things from a few questions on some answers No children are involved, I lost the baby and two we have been together for 5 years but only married one year because of his "problems" with commitment
2006-12-26 22:11:33 · update #2
first of all.. dont just leave your husband to be with the other man.. things may not work out and the other guy may become a different person later and taunt you about your first husband .. and things will get awkward since they both work together..
just see a family counsellor or relationship counsellor with your husband. see if u can work out your diffrences.. give it 6 -8 months.. if it doesnt work and you still cant get over your mistrust and hurt feelings.. then leave him.. but make sure you have your future life very well planned , emotinally and financially.. because life for a single mom and woman can be hell
2006-12-26 21:29:20 · answer #1 · answered by qa k 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It is hard to recover from an affair because it is betrayal. Yet, many have gotten through it and stayed together. It took a lot of work from both people. Marriage is a partnership. It is not a 50-50 relationship. If your giving 50-50 who's getting the other 50%? Each person has to give a 100% of their heart and soul for it to be a solid partnership. You cannot fix the marriage if you bring in a third party. Marriages that last for 50 years do because they worked through the hard times. Turning to another man isn't the solution to fixing what is wrong it will only add another problem. That is why they have marriage counselors and preachers. There is a child involved and must be put ahead of anyones happiness. You must take time and maturity to make the right choice. If you can't see your way to forgive (not forget) and move on you have a choice to make. We all search for comfort when we have been hurt but we have to be careful where we find the comfort. Keep in mind, should you get with this other man he will remember all. In his mind he's going to say "she did this while she was married so she will do it to me." You set the tone for the new relationship on how you handle the old one. Moving on is better if you cannot fix or don't want to fix your marriage but you never should let hard feelings cause grief for your children. I would seek some advice from a person outside of your circle who can give advice without their feelings involved. Then you know there's no adjenda. If you can't ever trust your husband again then you have a problem. Trust can be rebuilt over time if the person is truly sorry. There are a lot of amazing men out there, the one you say your married to is yours. Also how long have you been married? How old are you? See there's much to factor into an answer. Do get help from someone not involved in this.
2006-12-27 06:01:39 · answer #2 · answered by ace 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You might not want to hear this dear but you REALLY need to have a good long think about the tangle you have brought on yourself.
I really doubt that your foolish enough to be in love with a "messenger" ( men will say anything on here ) but right now you think you are WHICH considering the time that you have invested leading this other man on WHO is no better then your husband maybe even worse because he is flirting with his friends wife. I think you are all in the wrong. Your husband was deployed and your lonely.
What happened to bring on his affair ? Where you to busy for him ? and HOW could you call her your "best friend " still ? It may have been the other way around ..
Frankly I would trust HIM at his word he would not do it again but would have a hard time telling him to trust you. Why ? because you in effect have more then cheated on him with your messenger ... He cheated once .. your wanting to destroy the marriage ..
I do hope you will rethink your actions ..maybe even grow up alittle you can NOT fall in love with a persons words when they are back stabbing their best friend ... or can YOU ?
2006-12-27 05:44:10 · answer #3 · answered by MrsDave 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you truly love your husband, you need to say goodbye to your friend. You are playing with fire. You may not be physically involved with your friend but you are definately having an emotional affair on your husband. If you ever want things to work you can not have someone trying to show you the grass is greener on the other side. You are angry about your husband cheating and using it to justify your actions. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he had a female friend that he spent hours and hours on the phone with. Try and fix the relationship that you have, end the emotional affair and if your husband cheats again you can leave with a clear conscious that you did everything you could to make it work.
2006-12-27 06:53:07 · answer #4 · answered by Jessalee01 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sweety, the grass is never greener when you get to the other side. What you have been doing with this man is having an emotional affair. It is just as bad as what your husband did. First you need to figure out if you and your husband are going to work things out and ask this other gentlemen to respect the boundaries of your marriage and to step back. If they work together and I will assume it possibly the military, this other guy should feel like a dirt bag. Secondly, how can you know you love him unless you have slept with him. Believe me when I say sex is a very important part of a relationship.
Please give your marriage the respect it deserves. Decide it's fate first before you get too far in with this other man.
2006-12-27 05:30:54 · answer #5 · answered by girlcop1 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He's gotten caught cheating three times? Lady, divorce the cheating dog. Forget about other stuff. Get rid of the cheater. Then, date who you wish. Please forget about your male friend. Take care of your marital situation, then worry about the future. By the way, calling your husband an "amazing man" is a lousy thing to do. Many men DO remain faithful, support their mates, and love their children. What you have is just a spoiled immature cheater. There is NOTHING amazing about that.
2006-12-27 08:57:24 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It really all depends on the specific circumstances, who, what, and where your husband cheated. If you are certain he will cheat again or sure he is messing around during deployments, and have multiple sources of proof, you might qualify for an annulment, having no children involved makes things much easier. Although you have every right to leave your husband you might consider having him tested for STDs, forgiving him, working things out, and getting counseling.
No matter what feelings the male friend and you share, they are based mostly on these recent events and not the basis of a true relationship. Additionally, I really worry about a man willing to forsake his friendship, and take up his good friend's wife. If this other man is truly in love with you and a friend to you both, he'd probably encourage you to work things out with you husband or to leave him, but not necessarily hook up with himself.
Males have a strong built-in desire to rescue women in distress, save them from bad situations, and build them back up again; but once everything is fixed the and excitement is over, they may less than prepared to commit to who is at the other end.
2006-12-27 05:50:31 · answer #7 · answered by AnswerGuy 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Remember how it felt when he cheated on you.
They work very closely together overseas. You can't be with this guy. He is no friend to either of you. If you leave your husband for him. He will leave you one day because he has no regard for relationships. Your lonely and a little mixed up. Or maybe you want revenge. Don't do something you'll regret. Tell your husband about him or end it.
2006-12-27 05:35:13 · answer #8 · answered by Mickey Z 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I WAS YOU 15 years ago! THEY DONT CHANGE, really!
cheat til ya get caught and have fun
you have a free get of affair card.
If you do decide to trust him again (I doubt) atleast you wont feel like the door mat).
The only word of caution is that the other guy if he is in the military could be in serious trouble (court martial) if he gets caught.
I mean a demotion, loss of pay etc depending on the first shirt.
Boyfriend might enjoy the fun now but if his career starts getting compromised, he will drop you like a bad habit!
SO dont get too attached to him either
2006-12-27 06:55:25 · answer #9 · answered by xxxxxxx b 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The cheating has already begun polluted the relationship. The trust between you two has been soiled. You should only try to see if your relationship with your husband works if he actually wants to make it work as well. Since he cheated first, he probably doesn't, but you can try and ask him and really talk to him about it.
If it doesn't work out with you and him, I would say date that guy you like who works with him, it would show how what goes around comes around, but I think that could get ugly.
Final solution would be to move on completely and forget about them both.
2006-12-27 05:29:21 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋