Why everytime after I met or talked with one of my family members I get so angry and infuriated?

Question

Is it because of the traumatic abused experiences I had with them before? Now even just to simply hear or to think about them it could enrage me all day long, while they are miles far away from me? Why is like that?

Answer 1

While I do not know the nature of the abuse incidents you've referred to (and the specifics of the situation can change the emotions you are now experiencing), it is common for people to experience anger when they believe that the people they trusted have betrayed them.

Usually anger is a "secondary emotion." In other words, it is triggered by another emotion, to protect ourselves, and the emotion that usually triggers it is "hurt." Feeling hurt would also leave you feeling miserable and vulnerable, and so it's easier to feel anger -- sometimes great anger -- in order to avoid the painful emotions that were created when you were hurt by your family.

Family is supposed to be a safe place, where you can be yourself and be accepted and supported and encouraged, no matter what you've done or who you are. It hurts badly when family "betrays" you instead.

The situations in which you were hurt have probably never been discussed or dealt with in a way that allows you to get past them, so every time you deal with your family, those bad feelings come to the surface, almost immediately. Even just thinking about your family can trigger intense anger.

Another reason you are feeling hurt is because you unconsciously associate your family with feelings of being hurt. This is called "conditioning." An example is when you get sick from spoiled food; for quite awhile afterwards, it would not be uncommon for you to feel sick when simply just thinking about or seeing that food again. The bad feelings have been "tied" to that object in your head.

So thoughts of your family are tied to feelings of pain. You have been 'conditioned' to respond negatively to any thought of them.

Finally, if your family has bad communication/relational skills (which is a hallmark of abusive families), just trying to deal with them can be frustrating in general, for ANYONE and not just you. They cause you frustration any time you want to get anywhere with them.

How to get over this? It depends on your life situation. I don't know how much you need to interact with your family, how much support you have (i.e., friends or spouse) that can keep you going without your family, how intense the feelings are or what type of feelings these are, and so forth. The specifics of your situation would help determine the best way to respond.

Some ideas:

* Your family failed you. But you are now an adult and independent. The time for your family 'coming through for you' has passed. You have the ability to "let them go" -- not in the sense of never seeing them again (although that is an option), but in the sense of not expecting them to pull through for you or treat you well... expectations which I think you still have, because of how angry you get when dealing at all with them. You're angry because you are disappointed that they STILL don't "get you" nor know how to respect you as a person.

You are now responsible for you. Your attitudes and behaviors are now things you have control over. You can actually choose (and train yourself) how to respond to their behavior and to your life in general.

* You need to somehow separate your self of identity from your family. When people feel secure about who they are (their strengths/weaknesses, their value as people, etc.), they are capable of tolerating stress like this. Build a secure identity for yourself. Discover what you like and don't like; develop some "boundaries"' ; accept your limitations; be happy with being a normal, fallible human being; don't let your family make you FEEL bad for being a normal person who does some good things and also is capable of making mistakes. Embrace who you are, both the good and bad.

* Learn how to give yourself to others (friends, spouse, your own kids, whatever...). I bet that, coming from your bad family, you are still in "survival" mode. You have developed some behaviors in order to stay afloat or feel better that are probably negative and make it hard to trust anyone or build strong relationships. Now is the time to take a hard look at yourself and see what things you do and say that might make it hard for others to build relationships with you; and think about how you might change those things yourself.

When you dig into this stuff, it might seem scary, and you will experience some very intense negative emotions. Find a friend/spouse or even a professional counselor to walk with you in to the dark places, just to encourage you and keep you on track. This stuff is very hard to do alone.

Good luck. (And feel free to send me a Yahoo PM if you have more questions.)

Answer 2

There is rage connected to your thoughts of them. This is sad, and I understand, because I have that with my family, only to a way lesser degree. However, since things are MUCH better now, it still is odd to me, that I would be upset around them, or more likely, after. They are not trying to push my buttons now, but I think just seeing them sometimes, brings up things I don't even realize. You may not like this advice, but it is from the heart. To deal with this, you may want to look into therapy, no one would even have to know about it, but it could help you immensely in dealing with this. What it would do, is help their past crappy behavior, to no longer have a hold over you at all. How great would it be, to learn to deal with the past, so it would be gone, truly, in the past. Now, it just hurts you, but that could change. I hope this gets better for you.

Answer 3

In addition to the traumas in your past, your relatives may know how to "push your buttons" in ways you don't even realize.

BTW, as far as just thinking about them (without talking): I got some useful advice from a therapist on this subject a few years back. He said "What if the person who makes you angry by simply thinking about him were dead? The only place he'd be alive then is in your mind. You'd be creating the reason to be angry all by yourself."

If all else fails, try aerobic exercise like walking or jogging. Sounds simplistic, but it always helps me calm down when someone on my mind is bothering me.

Good Luck,
Big Al Mintaka

Answer 4

It is hate. You hate them because of what they did to you.

I have an uncle who would give me a hard time every time I saw him and I would see red. I would come home and feel really angry. So the last time this happened... After cooling down for a couple of days... I sat down and wrote him a letter in which I told him exactly what I thought of him and reminded him of all the nasty things he had done to me over the years. This guy has been a bully all his life... but after he got my letter... he told everyone that they should be careful of me... because he was really scare of me and did not want to see me ever again.

Works for me! I have not seen him for 10 years.
And I feel good about myself... because I feel like I had my revenge.

Answer 5

i'm no longer a JW. i became raised one and my mom remains an energetic JW. i became never baptized and that i'm grateful for that! It irritates me that they permit infants (i've got considered ones as youthful as 8) get baptized, then shun them whilst they become previous and understand they have been basically attempting to thrill their mothers and dads. I asked my mom what whould have surpassed off if I were baptized and disfellowshipped. luckily, she is in contrast to maximum. She instructed me that she could basically refrain from speaking to me on non secular concerns. of path, even being unbaptized, this remains a toucy subject remember and she or he nonetheless holds me at a distance. i think of this is tragic (She spent 10 years coaching me her ideals yet has no desire to right here yet another CHRISTIAN attitude???) yet a minimum of she could never turn her returned on me. they say that we are reaping the end results of our movements. for many individuals, it somewhat is our family participants who're choosing to sever/preclude the relationship, no longer us. they're incorrect to think of that questioning the Watchtower's teachings are comparable to questioning God. many individuals have left via determination because of the fact SCRIPTURALLY, we disagree with the authority and teachings of the Watchtower! Acts 17:11- those have been greater noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they gained the be conscious with all readiness of thoughts, and searched the scriptures on a regular basis, regardless of if those issues have been so. In context, you will see that it became Paul's teachings they have been puzzled! He became an apostle and clearly annointed (because of the fact the GB additionally claims to be), and that they have got been called "NOBLE" for questioning to be sure if he became teling them "the reality, the entire certainty and not something however the reality!" many individuals who've searched the Scriptures "to be sure if those issues have been so", we've chanced on the WTS to be something yet "the reality." And for this, we stand accused till now the congregation of JWs, and we're not even allowed to talk! they don't be attentive to our hearts and our relationship with God, yet they're SOOO speedy to think of they do! For those whose relationships are suffering on the palms of the WTS judgment calls, I depart you with this Scripture: Psalm 27:10 - whilst my father and my mom forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.