Just found out my husband had an affair with one of my close friends. What now?

Question

We've been together for 10yrs, married 4 in a half. Do I leave him for good or try and work it out?
it was mainly an emotional affair, but they did kiss.
We have two children together and I'm trying to figure out what's best for them.

Answer 1

Jeez. Marriage and kids are worth something here. Work with the man.

If he is honestly willing to work on the marriage and give up the woman, and you believe him and you can forgive him and you think you may be able to grow to trust him at least SOMETIME in the future, you really need to try to work on this.

Unlike some, I don't believe in the "once a cheater..." crap. People recover from mistakes and move on every day. I don't see cheating as being any different.

I would say at least TRY. There is always time to give up. There may never be time to try again.

Answer 2

Here's what you can consider:
1. Is he remorseful? (truly remorseful?)
2. Is the affair over?
3. Obviously you need to get rid of the "friend".
4. Has he given you any explanations or given some thought as to his reasons why he did this?
5. Has he done this before?

This is a plan of attack:
1. I always believe in repercussions. When something similar happened to me I was able to have the fiance move out of the house until I had some time to think and I saw mental progress on his part. It also forced him to do some thinking because he didn't know which decision I would make. I could not simply say.. "Okay... I'll trust you"... it was a progression. Since you have kids you may not want to do that but you can certainly put him in another room.
2. Going to counseling was non-negotiable. And believe me, it was rough. We followed through even when we thought things might be okay to stop. It made issues come to the forefront and both of us put the relationship under a microscope.

To me, emotional affairs are worse than physical ones.. it spells a huge problem with the relationship. AND.. my situation involved only kissing as well (or so he says). An infidelity is simply that and I don't think it needs to be qualified as to what level.

In summary I'd say that if you see that he is truly remorseful and wants to work things out and that you want it too.. then put him in another room (things shouldn't be status quo) and run to a counselor.

Good luck! (P.S. things got worse before they got better.. but they got much better than they ever were and this has been a couple years now).

Answer 3

If you think they just kissed, your only fooling yourself! Did you talk to your friend? How did you find out? If your husband came out and was honest, it is probably over. But if you found out by accident, you better think twice.
The whole thing is, is that your husband was straying for a reason. Especially if you think there was no sex involved. Are you going to be able to trust him? If your staying with him because of the kids, that's completely the wrong reason. You don't think kids can sense the tension? Sure, a lot more than you think!!! Children are like a sponge, they learn everything mainly from their parents, so you two will be setting a great example of love, compassion, and sincerity. So, I would take my time-and think about this before I decide to be a wife again Good luck!!! I feel for you!!

Answer 4

10 years is a lot to throw away especially when kids are involved. You need to ask yourself why did he venture out of the marriage for an emotional affair? Were you neglecting his needs in some ways? I think if you both want to save the marriage counciling would help. Sit down and talk it out thoroughly. I would certainly severe the friendship with the woman though and demand he do the same.

Answer 5

That's a hard call. Only you can determine what is right for your particular situation. The friend you have to let go, no question. She is NOT a friend. Your husband and the father of your children....it' s harder to say. Is he remorseful? Is he remorseful only because he got caught or is this something he admitted to you on his own free will? So many factors would come into play for me before I could determine what to do if I was in the same situation. I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this. Especially here at the holidays. I pray God will give you peace, strength, wisdom and guidance in this situation.

Answer 6

An affair is bad enough but with one of your friends is despicable. You were betrayed by both of them. Did he consider how devastating that is? I don't even know what to tell you. This would be hard for a relationship to recover from without some damn serious counselling. I would seriously doubt anyones love for me when they do such a thing. I think you deserve better and the fact that he didn't even consider the kids either is fuel to the fire.

Answer 7

If all they did was kiss you should be mad at him for a couple of days and then forget about it... A kiss and an affair are not the same thing. I've never even heard of a marriage ending because of a simple kiss... It was not very nice of him to do though.

Answer 8

Sorry,to hear this but I think that 10yrs.There has been a lot of hard work & time& effort invested into your marriage.& I know that you probaly hate the 2 of them right now but at the same time you still love them sit down with your husband and tell him how & what you are feeling about this whole thing and I know that he still loves you so instead of leaving work things out and as far as the bestfriend is concerned talk to her as well and let her know what she did was un excuseable and that you forgive her for what she has done & let her know that you and your husband will need time and space to mend your marriage and that she needs to stay away at this time and you will call her once you sort things out and you don't expect for it to happen again. 10yrs.of marriage is worth saving

Answer 9

Drop the friend. Cut off all ties. Make sure theres no emotional attachment left... there very well could be. I wouldnt leave my husband for this, but i would be furious and terribly hurt for a long time. Try counseling? You might try to threaten to leave, kick him out of the house for a couple days... he may just come to his senses...

Answer 10

What's best for your kids is to see a healthy loving relationship. Not one that is set up to look good for them.
I know. My parents did it for years and they thought we didn't know. Yeah right, kids know more than you will ever think.
I would say to leave him. It's doesn't sound like you two are in love anymore.
If you really love him and he saids he loves you then go to marriage counseling and see if this marriage can be saved.
I would get rid of that close friend, regardless on what you do though.
Good luck!