How can I accept my relationship with my in-laws?

Question

I am very hurt by the way my in-laws treat me, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. They have never liked me, but this Christmas Eve was the worst. My mother-in-law screamed at me, saying before I came along her family was wonderful, my husband was a good son until he married me (four years ago), and he's supposed to be taking care of her, not me. She further went on to scream that I am not a Christian person, I am unforgiving, and I don't live like God wants me to.

My husband told her, for the gazillionth time, that things were never going to be her way. My husband and I have agreed that from now he will visit his family alone.

I have been so hurt about this. I want to have a good relationship with my in-laws, but there is no hope left now. Can you offer me any encouragement at all? I could use it. Thanks.

Everyone's kindness is very touching. Thank you. My in-laws are married. My father-in-law hates me and my husband, and my sister-in-law hates me, but I was told she is taking medication for that, whatever that means. We don't have children, and can't, so that's not a problem.

My husband is hopelessly devoted to me and me to him. We are just desperately trying to get his family on board. I would like to move away, believe me, but my family is here and we are very close.

Answer 1

This isn't your fault-she is a bit nutty & he knows it, thank goodness! Things might change later on, so keep a crack in the door. A small one! Lands-what he must have grown up with! Just be grateful you are nothing like her! My Mother in law was like that & I have gone out of my way NEVER to act like she did!
You can ,too. Just don't bother being upset over something you can't fix. She's cracked! Remember: living well is the best revenge!!

Answer 2

I'm sorry your mother-in-law is being so hateful to you especially during the holidays - ugh! But don't let her get you down. She's just a maladjusted woman who is having trouble accepting the fact that her son has a wife of his own and she is no longer the #1 woman in his life. There's an old saying that goes: "A son is a son 'til he takes a wife...but a daughter's a daughter all her life." There's truth in that because some mothers do feel like they are "losing" their sons when they get married, and that's why they treat their daughters-in-law like they are the most horrible people on the planet. She has adjustment issues and needs to get over this - plain & simple. It's good that your husband is standing his ground. But yes, he does need to go a step further and make it clear to her that he won't visit her at all unless you go with him. And when you do, she needs to know that she's expected to accept you exactly as-you-are and treat you with the kindness and respect you deserve. Put your foot down now - otherwise you will be spending holidays alone from now on while he's away with his family which is not fair to you at all.

Answer 3

I hope this woman is not claiming to be a Christian because she is certainly NOT behaving in a Christlike manner nor does she seems familiar with scripture that says a man and woman must LEAVE their father and mother and cling to each other and become one. A new family is formed. How does SHE know how God wants you to live? Has He come down and visited her and told her you aren't living right? I doubt it. He knows its not her business. Your mother-in-laws claim that her family was wonderful before you came along basically means that she was treated as queen bee and now that you're here she has to share. She is obviously NOT good at sharing. That's too bad. What's going to have to happen for any change to take place is for your husband to put his foot down and mean it. It's not just telling her she has to change it's siding with you to the point that the mother is not visited by either one of you if she doesn't change. What incentive does she have to change if he is visiting her without you and giving her his undivided time and attention? He is basically giving her what she really wants anyway - time alone with him. You and your husband need to side together. Mom is not going to disown him for it. She will eventually have to come around.

God bless you! I hate to hear you had to go through something this terrible especially at Christmas! I pray peace for your family!

Answer 4

Jen, You mentioned that your mother in law screamed at you and your relationship with your inlaws is bad but you only mentioned your mother in law. How is your father in law? Is he the same way? Are you able to talk to him? Do the 2 of you get along?
As for your husbands Mom,it's probably best you don't go over there for awhile. We don't always know why people act the way they do. Your mother in law may be having a difficult time in her life that no one else is aware of. How is her health? If she has a husband he should be taking care of her and not expect her son to neglect his wife to spend all his free time with his mother. Maybe she feels you took her son away from her. This is not uncommon. Try not to internalize what happend too much. Try to understand that SHE has the problem and not you. Be good to her son, don't get mad at him for what his mother does.

If your family - husband, self, kids, (if you have any) are happy. If you can be happy in your own home try and cut your mother in law some slack. Send her a nice card or something. If she knows your husband is happy and she still has a problem with you than all you can do is avoid her as much as possible and when you are all together, avoid conversation or interacting in a way that would give her reason to "go off" on you.

"Treasure Life"

Answer 5

Your mother in law feels like you are trying to take her son away. If you don't have kids you can't understand, but I can see how it is hard for some women to accept that their baby is now grown and married. It makes her feel old. Her emotional outburst was because she was mourning his childhood. Have you made any move to be friends with her? Invite her to lunch one day so you can have a talk. Tell her that you want to become part of her family, not break her family apart. You have to really mean it, though. It might take a while to build a relationship, but if you realize that she is in defense mode, it should make you feel a bit better. I don't understand when women try to 'break apart' the mother-son relationship. And I'm not saying that's what you're doing. Just go slow, and show her that you are in it for the long haul, and want to be part of their family.

Answer 6

Wow. What a horrible thing for your mother in law to say to you. The way she treated you is NOT the way a Christian treats people. She should be on her knees asking for forgiveness. You could do simple things like send her cards that say something nice, but nothing mushy. Don't write anything inside except 'have a great day' and sign it. Sooner or later she will be sorry for the way she treated you. But, if she's not, and you ever have a child, I wouldn't let her see that baby if my life depended on it. Turn about is definitely fair play in this situation.

Answer 7

I am sorry for the way were treated on Christmas Eve.
It is unfortunate that the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with has a mother who is controlling and manipulative.
In all probability she will not change. Please accept that fact and for your emotional well being it's probably best if you keep your distance from her. You can't change her behavior only she can, but you can change how you handle the situation. You might want to move and get a fresh start. Seriously, your marriage
will be affected.....

Answer 8

You know what?? By you not going over with your husband you and he are playing into his Mothers plan--make you so miserable that you will stay away and she can pretend to have her boy all to herself--He needs to tell her that either you both are welcome or niether of you will be coming over--That if she wants to visit she needs to come to your home and be very respectful when she does--He should (and it sounds as tho he has) stuck by you --but I say this again I dont think that you should be excluded from family visits--she is acting horribly and I am sorry you have to experience this behavior...

Answer 9

sometimes there is just nothing that you can do about family. especially if it isn't really YOUR family. i have a feelings that you mother in law is just one of those people that no matter what you do, she will never like you. i have never heard of anyone wanting their son to take care of them instead of their wife. about the only thing that you can do is kill her with kindness and forgive her in your own heart fro the way that she has treated you.

Answer 10

Oh I'm sorry. I'm going through something similar. I got "uninvited" to Christmas Eve this year. My husband was invited but I wasn't. He refused to go without me. We dropped off the gifts with his parents on Saturday and picked ours up this morning. We had a blast with friends who had no Christmas Eve plans, and I invited the person who uninvited me to MY New Year's party.

My current theory is "kill them with kindness" and "don't let them catch us apart." You married HIM, not his family. And he married YOU. You are his next of kin and his chosen family. He shouldn't chose them over you.