How can I help my children cope with divorce?

Answer 1

How can I help my children cope with divorce?

For all the talk of marriage being made in heaven, the obvious reality around us is that divorce is made in Hell. At least, that’s where it takes those involved in it. While it may be a choice between husband and wife, the most emotional damage is handed down to the children. They are now prisoners of war with no rights of their own.

Children, who till the day before were choosing between Batman and Spiderman, now have to choose between mum and dad! For most of them, a divorce means a paradigm change in their way of life. Many have to leave behind familiar homes, schools, friends, and playgrounds, not to mention a parent. All this, after being tossed around in ugly custody battles, with each parent saying that they love them more and that they are only getting a divorce for their sake and betterment.

Moving to a new home is never easy for anyone. It signifies a break from the old, the familiar, the trusted, and the dependable. Moving without a choice is even more difficult. For children, who’ve built their tiny lives on a particular stable platform, moving can be a bone jarring experience. Nevertheless, there are several steps that we can take to make the nightmare of divorce a little easier.

Tell your children about the move. Make them feel like they’re part of the decision. Children like to feel important. They should never feel that they were never consulted. It also gives them a chance to say goodbye. Closure is important at any age.

Find out as much as you can about the new place you are moving too. Further, search for playgrounds, movie theatres, baby sitters, amusement parks, zoos, or anything that could entertain your children and take their mind off the move. Finally, make sure you do a good study of the schools in the area.

Making new friends and fitting in with the ‘right’ crowd is not as easy as it sounds. Check for schools that have a strong extra-curricular programme. An activity packed day is a good cure for a child’s nerves and it would also be a great idea to scout for a good child psychologist to help them deal with the emotional issues created by divorce.

Take the children on an orientation tour of the new area in which they will live. Show them all the sights and sounds. Further, introduce them to the other children in the neighbourhood; easing them into the new house will be a lot easier if they feel that they have something to look forward to.

In the choice of new house, ensure that the children are as comfortable as they were in their former home. Remember, children like nice new shiny things so you may want to decorate their rooms in their favourite colours, and sprinkle their favourite toys about the place.

In the initial stages, take time off to spend with the kids as you might be the one familiar thing in their lives. Let them feel that you’re there for them, and that you will get through the problems that arise, together. If possible, arrange for people they know like grandparents or close friends to come for a visit or a weekend stay; this will make them feel that they still have some semblance of a connection with their old lives.

Be prepared to pamper them in the beginning. Remember, most children cannot deal with a divorce. They may feel unloved; or worse that the divorce is their fault. They also may feel that they are being forced to bear the brunt of this major change. ‘Mummy and daddy have got what they wanted, and we have to make the adjustments’; it is not always possible to convince them that you have their best interests at heart.

Don’t cry or be upset in front of the children. You have to be strong for everyone. Many children are forced to grow up early and they have to become the pillars of support for their families. Give them their space and time to grow up. Whatever said and done, a child’s move to a new home, minus one parent, should be as smooth as possible.-

Answer 2

I need to know how old your children are firstly, but whatever you do make sure that you and your ex do it jointly.
Most children think that they're losing one or the other parent during the divorce. This idea gets dispelled somewhat when both parents address the kids together and explain to them that mom and dad still love them even if they won't all be living together in the same house.

Also, try to make sure that you kids know (to whichever extent possible)why the divorce is taking place. It calls for akward questions requiring difficult answers but it's much better than having your children misunderstand you and think of you as the guilty party.

Whatever you do, do NOT try to keep them distracted and happy with toys and presents! It is extremely habit-forming and will end up rebounding on you in the worst possible way. Even if they rebel, make sure the usual routine is followed and too much of lenience isn't shown. This helps in 2 ways- despite their grumblings they realise that overall things are remaining the same ergo they get used to the idea of divorce not being the ENEMY.
And they don't get a chance to become manipulative with you later on when you'll be trying to cope with your own feelings and such a major life change.
Take care and best of luck!

Answer 3

I am sorry to read that you and your family are facing such a trying time in life for you all, especially around the holidays...that has a pressure affect also...knowing that things will not be the same...one step is to first take care of you first...your children will sense you are having a hard time with this if you allow them to see the hard time that you may truly be having. Rely on your spirituality to help you through this time as it will act as a guidance...now that doesn't mean the full fledged Christian, it just means trust in yourself and believe in what you are doing. You will find the right answers for those questions when they arrive, as you know your children well. So, try not to blame yourself or to place blame, just take it one moment at a time. Inhale the pain and release the reality...it will all come together for all of you. Also, a little bit down the line, depending on how your children are facing this situation, family counseling is always a positive step. Not too costly if you utilize the resources within your hometown, but also, try these links to see for yourself:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/divorce/HO00055 (information)

http://library.adoption.com/information/Divorce/424/1.html (offers tips for questions regarding divorce, the process, who's affected, etc.)

http://www.singlesmall.com/children.html (offers book resources)

Take care....(smiles)

Answer 4

Best way to help your kids is for both you and your soon to be ex sit the kids down and discuss the situation with them.Be honest and answer there questions as best as possible.Let them know that you still love them and will always be there for them.Don't point fingers at each other as to why you are splitting.Be polite to one another.Kids will hear all kinds of rumors at school or from friends so try to calm their minds and address their concerns.My kids went through a very nasty divorce because my ex wife left our home and moved in with her new fling.I choose to get some counseling for them to help them cope with such a change in life style.My kids still have hard resentment towards their mother because of this so it would be best to seek counseling for all the family.

Answer 5

children can understand better than we think they can. Main thing is to let them know that mom and dad are happier living away from each other, but that does not mean that both loves the child any less. Mom and Dad need to remain friends in eyes of the child. Both parents need to make it fun time when the children goes back and forth between parents. Children love to hear how lucky they are to have two homes, two rooms especially.

Answer 6

Family counseling; not putting them in the middle of the divorce. Don't say mommy does this or daddy does this, keep things private and let them know that you love them no matter what happens and that they can come talk to you whenever they have an issue.

Answer 7

Don't date for at least a year, be home at night with your children and don't ever say a bad word about your x-husband to your children. It's not their fault - they love their dad too. If you do these things, everything will work out.

Answer 8

Be open and honest with them. Most of all explain to them the situation and always be there for them. Remember to keep your soon to be ex involved too. Just because the two of you have differences, doesn't mean the children have to suffer. Good Luck

Answer 9

I live in Ohio and I honestly believe you have to take the class. Me and my ex actually took the class togethe. They will give you a certificate at the end of the class your court appearance. It's a must these days to have it or no divorce is granted.

Answer 10

Well i've had to deal with my parents divorcing when i was little and it was really weird at first. Then of course its weirder to have a parent start dating someone else that they arent use to. Really you just might want to talk with them or just be the best parent you can. eventually they will understand why you and your ex seperated.