Where do I draw the line?

Question

My fiance and I are having some problems and I don't know where to draw the line from a biblical standpoint. If we get into a disagreement, it's okay and we can work things out through love fine. But he can sometimes have a temper, and when he starts not only speaking in anger, because I can handle that, but when he starts specifically saying negative things about me and hurting me I tend to walk away. For 2 reasons: -I feel disrespected - I get hurt, and when I get hurt I tend to get angry and say things I don't mean.

Okay, but everytime I do that he tells me that I'm impossible to solve problems with and that I always run away from my problems, and that it worries him for when we get married...

So basically my question is where do I draw the line between sticking through and resolving the problem even though I'm being disrespected and knowing when to get away to allow ourselves to cool off?

Answer 1

First, forget the bible stuff, and think about what marriage is:

1.It is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust, with a whole lot of lovies, kindnesses, tolerance, time together, and often "Shutting the hell up"... him too.
2. A study came out recently on what makes for a successful marriage, and in it 30,000 couples for married for + or - 30 years. It was found that for every negative thing the couple said to each other 6 positives had to be said. The closer those number got, the less successful the marriage was.

So, so far, two things you already know. How are you doing so far?????
And one of the most important things that a couple can do is learn to resolve differences without rage, and this appears to be where you guys are stuck.... where's the Admiration, and Respect, here????? Nada???? There was a book written eons ago, still used in the Psych. and Consel classes. It is THE classic in the field. No one has written one better, and it is still absolutely relevant today.... Get it, and the two of you need to read it... "The Assertive Option" Still available in paperback, and cheap on Amazon.com. Can be yours by Friday. Then spend 3 or 4 sessions in counseling to learn to negotiate your differences.... Apparently neither of you do that well if you are talking about "cooling off"....... Anger, rage, resentment, just kill a relationship, hon, and it has no place in a successful marriage....Resentment will just slowly erode your affection for each other, resentment will end your marriage, hon, end it. It isn't about getting your way, or him getting his, it's that you are a couple now, and need to let the other know what your needs are, but to be able to do so in a non-threatening way. We don't teach this in our culture.....The several sessions you will have with a counselor will absolutely and positively encrease your abilities to get what you need, without resentment....Best money you will ever spend........ Good luck, sweetie. Marriage is toooooo nice, and the lovies, tooooo sweet to get stuck in the lack of communication and accusations......

Answer 2

It is one thing to have an argument but it is another thing when someone starts to hit below the belt so to speak of. Solving a problem is ok, but when a person starts belittling you and disrespecting you, well then it isn't about the topic any more now is it? Or is that the topic that he is upset about? You say, "Biblical standpoint," which leads me to believe your a spiritual person. So if your having problems why not seek the advice of a Pastor and if you are planning on getting married then go to pre-marriage workshops together that are biblical based. But there is nothing wrong with walking away when your feeling hurt. Because then it goes from an argument to an out and out who can hurt who the most kind of fight. So your just showing intelligence about that. Something that sounds like your bf could learn from. Don't let him play the blame game with you too. If he wants to work it out then both of you do it together with a mediator to stop either of you when someone gets out of control.

Answer 3

Insulting you and then belittling you for feeling insulted is not OK. You are under no obligation to continue a discussion with someone who is disrespecting you, and there is nothing wrong with taking the high road and walking away. You can always come back to the real problem later, when you've both cooled down.
I strongly suggest you get couples counseling now. This is a problem that is likely to continue in your marriage, and it will make you both miserable.

Answer 4

The two of you need to learn how to talk, how to disagree, and how to get along. Maybe your pastor can help, or you can go to couples counseling. I would never, ever marry someone I couldn't talk to. You both need to work on this, and you also need to face the fact that maybe this isn't the guy for you. The things that bother you about your fiance will get 1,000 times worse once you get married and are living together in the same house, trust me. You never really know someone until you are married to them, and once you're married all the barriers come down, and he may turn out to be a verbally and emotionally abusive husband. Be careful, and proceed with caution, counsel and prayer.

Answer 5

Your husband needs to learn basic conflict resolution skills-like, don't insult the other person. He is preventing the problem from being resolved everytime he says hurtful things.
When he acts like this, you need to tell him that you do not find his anger or negativity acceptable, and then walk away. You should not have to stick through a hurtful conversation. The conversation needs to be respectful on both sides. I suggest that you discuss this with him at a time when he is not angry. Perhaps you could work on conflict resolution skills together, as there are many books and self-help materials available. If he is unwilling to work with you on it, I suggest you try counseling. The therapist will be able to work directly on conflict resolution skills, and he/she will be able to strengthen weak areas to prevent communication breakdown.

Answer 6

i think behaviour sets precedent so anything that you put up with today be prepared to deal with it for life - if you can't do that you have to set a different precedent. Walking away from disrespectful treatment shows your partner that his behaviour has consequences and over time he will learn to behave differently if he wants your attention. Just like children adults will also push the boundaries to see what they can and can't get away with.
However if things are getting beyond verbal disrespect then I suggest you get some pro help and maybe even think about whther this is the right partner for you in good times and bad for better or worse

Answer 7

He starts doing that because he knows he can't win the argument and feels like he has to resort to the worst ammo possible. When he starts attacking you as a person, it's time for you to take control and stop the situation. Tell him he does not deserve your attention right now after what he has just said and when he is sincerely, ready to discuss things like an adult and stick to the issue, you will listen. Give it several minutes at least.

Answer 8

You don't need a biblical scripture to let him know you're not putting up with him disrespecting you and acting like a fool whether he's angry or not. Tell him you are drawing the line right now and if he oversteps it, he's history.

Answer 9

So you are wondering why you should draw the line when your fiance is verbally abusive? Don't get married to this person, get some self esteem, and find someone who doesn't have to abuse you to make you feel loved.

Answer 10

there is no reason, biblical or otherwise, to be disrespected. Husbands are required to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. Did Christ disrepect the church? NEVER.

To make a marriage really work, you both need to die to yourselves. Stop worrying about being "right" and learn to focus on loving each other.