Should I tell my best friend / new roommate that I am gay?

Question

I have known and been best friends with Doug for the past three years. After a long wait, I am ready to move into one of his rooms in his two-bedroom apartment. He and I have gone through almost everything together, yet he is still clueless that I am homosexual. His father raised him to believe that it is a terrible, sinful thing and that people like us should be burned at the stake. He is a reasonable fellow and even said that he wouldn't kick a gay roommate out just for being gay, but might do so if he caught gay activities occuring in his apartment. I don't plan on bringing anyone to his apartment, but if I'm going to be sharing a living space with my best friend, might it not be a good idea to inform him of my sexuality? Or might it be too much of a shock which would be best to hide from him. After all, this is only a two or three month stay, and I can visit my boyfriend after work in the next town over. Please, impart unto me your divine wisdom!

Answer 1

You need to talk to your friend before you move in. If he is your best friend (and I am assuming he considers you his best friend) you owe him this much. I am sure there will be some backlash initially, but if the friendship is real it will survive and most certainly become different (perhaps better).

His upbringing may have been homophobic but that doesn't always translate to the children. Keep in mind that he grew up in the same era you did, and you have enough in common with him to indicate to me that he may be more open than may be on the surface.

A caveat, you had your life to come to grips with your sexuality so allow him time to adjust don't expect him to warm up to the idea 100% right off the bat. I would strongly suggest you go to a site like HRC to get some coming out tips.

If you move in and say nothing you will regret it. You will be living a secret, and forced to lie. That is no way to live. You will fear him finding out from someone else accidentally and his angry (justified) reaction to your lies. But more importantly, how can you continue to call someone your best friend and still justify the lie? You may be afraid of telling him, and that's reasonable, but to adapt to your life to a lie and your friendship to a lie is unnatural and flies in the face of the very definition of both "life" and "friendship".

Answer 2

I wish I had some divine wisdom in which to give you the best advice ever, but unfortunantly I am only human. The best thing for you to do would be to tell him the truth. It will be one of the most difficult, if not most difficult thing you will have to do though. In the end this would be the best option though, because people that are totally straight and upset by a friends sexual preferences will be more likely to hold it against you if they find out on their own. They may feel like it was intentional to hurt them by not being honest, or not trusting them enough to say something. And even if it is a short 3 month stay, you dont want this to be an issue later in the future. Unfortunantly, when parents are very anti-gay, it rubs off on their children a lot of the time. Because of this, your friend might find it hard to accept in the beginning. But you have known him for a very long time, and of course the shock will hit hard especially in the beginning. I think it would be easiest for yourself and your friend to just finally let the truth out. Believe it or not, even if he doesn't accept it in the beginning, it will be a huge burden off of your mind, as it is not healthy to hold things like this in forever. If he is a reasonable guy, and you have been good friends for so long I dont think there should be anything to worry about. If you hid your boyfriend from him, however, this could completely change the situation and make him not trust you. In whatever you ultimately decide to do, good luck.

Answer 3

First, I would look at other's suggestions. Some are really good, like asking about his views on similar topics, and if you out yourself, having back up living arrangements.
Now my tuppance: He may wind up in denial. Some people take it as a big joke. They will tease about it, but in the final analysis, don't really accept.
This is my way of saying you really can not know what to expect.
You could work around it, and after a time, maybe when you almost ready to leave, broach the subject. You will have shown him first hand that you are still you.

--That Cheeky Lad

Answer 4

I'd talk more to him about some of the other issues and see where he stood first. ANd probalby have a backup living arrangement in place, just in case.

I'm curious, if he'd consider kicking someone out for having gay sex in their own room, is he intent on staying celibate himself? (I'm assuming "gay activities" means sex; if he's going to flip out over kissing and hand holding, there's definitely a major problem there).

Rule number one: plan for the worst. And don't have expectations: no matter what you think someone's going to do, people have a way of surprising you.

Answer 5

I wish I had some divine expertise wherein to furnish you the main suitable suggestion ever, yet unfortunantly i'm in basic terms human. the main suitable ingredient for you to do could be to tell him the reality. it's going to be between the main puzzling, if no longer maximum puzzling ingredient you will could do although. interior the top this could be appropriate although, by using fact people who're completely directly and dissatisfied via a friends sexual possibilities would be greater probably to hold it against you in the event that they discover out on their very own. they'd sense like it replaced into intentional to harm them via no longer being uncomplicated, or no longer trusting them sufficient to assert something. or perhaps whether that's a quick 3 month stay, you dont choose for this to be an argument later interior the destiny. Unfortunantly, while mothers and fathers are very anti-gay, it rubs off on their toddlers an excellent form of the time. by using this, your pal could discover it no longer uncomplicated to settle for interior the beginning up. yet you have popular him for an extremely long term, and of path the marvel will hit no longer uncomplicated particularly interior the beginning up. i think of it may be least puzzling for your self and your pal to easily finally enable the reality out. have faith it or no longer, whether he would not settle for it interior the beginning up, it's going to be an excellent burden off of your suggestions, because it somewhat isn't any longer healthful to hold issues like this in continuously. If he's a useful guy, and you have been good friends for see you later I dont think of there could be something to stress approximately. in case you hid your boyfriend from him, however, this would thoroughly substitute the area and make him no longer have faith you. In however you finally settle directly to do, good luck.