Compromise, at what point are you asking too much of someone?

Question

Before my husband and I got married he seemed to be organized, clean, and generally had a handle on things. Now it's like he expects me to do it all. And if I ask for help he procrastinates until I do it. Now he says I am being controlling because I asked him to do the dishes after dinner while I did laundry. To top it off he had 3 kids, I have 2...so we have a lot of household chores due to the large family. I have lupus, I work full time, I just don't know what to do about his attitude, he is so un-nurturing and un-helpful.

Answer 1

Any woman who works full time with kids and doesn't have household help should expect some help around the home.
He is the one being selfish, not thinking of you. I think you should sit down with him and have a talk and verbalize your expectations with each other. Or tell him you are hiring a housekeeper. Get carry out food for dinner, it is just as cheap as cooking every night.

Answer 2

Look, stop with the nurturing crap. It is all politically correct nonsense. He isnt your Dad and you are not a plant.

Now, you should both do things, but then again, remember that you and he have different ways of viewing things and also a different scale for the importance of each thing. What you may think is enormous or life threatening, he may view as meaning little or having no importance, at least in the time frame that you do. You may want it done now, he an hour or a day from now is fine. Just who said that either of you gets to decide in stone which it is?

Dont ever make the mistake of not thinking that women are controlling in many ways. If you wont admit or see this, you need help. Many of you pride yourself in getting a man to do what you want, when you want, how you want.

Look, simply make a list of things that need done. You could each pick things to do. If you both decide, maybe one week you do a particular thing, the next week he does it. Maybe make it a daily thing and you switch each day.

See, in your question, you extold your virtues, yet left out what he does for the family, except to state that he is the problem. See a clue here?

Answer 3

Your husband seems to be expecting too much from you. And you have allowed him to become more and more demanding.
Tell him you will stop picking up after him, stop washing his clothes, making his meals, doing his dishes, also his childrens messes, etc., maybe then he will get the point. If that doesn't work, suggest counseling and go on complete strike. You need to take care of your own needs also, especially since you are also contending with lupus. The world will NOT end if the house isn't cleaned for a few weeks.
It sounds as though both of you work full time and he brought children into this relationship also. Maybe it's time he start being made to take on more responsibility.
Are you being controlling? Definately NOT!! You are expecting him to do his part in making the home run smoothly. Tell him to GROW UP!!

Answer 4

When my husband and his son are gone (they are out of state this week) the house is so clean and enjoyable. I'm not the neatest person around but they are slobs compared to me!

When I'm not angry I let them know that we all live there and we all need to clean up - at a minimum they need to pick up after themselves - pick up and clean their own dishes when they are the only ones who have eaten etc.. If he can see my frustration (tears) he gets it most of the time because I just tell him that's it's overwhelming for one person. He seems to understand.

Guys truly take for granted all that most women do for them. With both parnters working outside the home, both need to pitch in. Some times my husband gets up early before work or on the weekends to clean while I sleep in. There's nothing more of a turn on than that!

Answer 5

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and a husband that is taking you for granted. I would suggest that the two of you sit down and discuss household responsibilities. Men like to feel wanted, so let him know how you feel and how much you depend on him for his help. Have him take some responsibility by asking what his ideas are for a fair division of chores. Then ask him to make agree to make a committment on what he decides that you also believe is reasonable. Hope that helps. Good Luck.

Answer 6

Carey, let things go for a few days. I don't mean like forever, just until he starts wondering why he has no clean undies, why the dishes seem to overflow the sink, and what is that smell? Then let him know that he will start helping or he can get use to the garbage!

Answer 7

Your not asking too much, obvously he put on some kind of show before you married... that's not fair of him, and he's asking too much of you. You 2 need to talk about it, if he can't help with half of the work, or if he's not working, more, then you should stay home, let him go out and bring in the money, if that doesn't work, hunni, find someone who will show you he loves you nomatter what...
Best wishes, Take care.

Answer 8

Just be honest with him about it. Tell him your limits (you'll have to decide that on your own, you don't have to work your hands off, 5 kids is enough strain) and say that you can't deal with him acting like this as that you don't feel respected. If he doesn't respond, talk to a marriage counselor? I don't have much advice beyond that point. It's just what I would do.
Liebe und Frieden

Answer 9

u need to write out a list of chores that u do and what he does... sit him down and tell him how u feel and show him the list... tell him that u cant keep doin this, its way 2 much for u 2 take on.. remind him that he said that he will help u around b 4 u got married....literrally say to him " i need u 2 help me"... dont scream and shout cause once u do that, already they have tunned out... speak to him like an adult not ;like a child and tell him how u feel when u ask him for help and he doesnt offer it.... when u want him to pick up after himself and he doesnt,,, everythin that ur feeling, tell him... but try not to shout

Answer 10

Talk w/him and say you are overburdened and that he needs to do his part. It's not good for you to have to deal w/your illness, all the children, and a full-time job and do everything around the house. He didn't marry a housekeeper or mother. He married a wife. Now, he needs to step up to the plate and become a husband.