Military wife question - am I wrong?

Question

My husband is deployed on a ship and every so often (throughout our marriage also) he just doesn't contact me for any reason. He's done it several times in the past, but it's never been work-related. They hit port a while back and all the other wives were thrilled with phone calls; I got none. Now it's happened again with the same scenario. Our 7 year marriage has been great and we get along wonderfully, so I'm kind of confused why he does this. He knows it's not cool and he's smart; so why? I mean, is it JUST a guy thing to be like "duh" sometimes? We're close and we do things apart when he's home, so this isn't a clingy-wife thing. I just get nervous because of where he's deployed to now.

Answer 1

Could he be cheating? Sounds like it.

Answer 2

Retired Navy Veteran of 32 years service responds:
So you married a Sailor, Just to let you know, when I was deployed at sea, and even when in port, my daily duties kept me very busy.

I rarely had time to do anything except perform my duties, shower, shave, eat meals, and sleep. If I stood in line waiting to use the phone to call my wife, it meant i'd have to give up several hours of sleep time as there were few phones available for the crew to use.

He may be assigned to a particular department aboard ship that is short staffed. In this case it would be duties before personal stuff. No matter what. Being a Navy wife is "hard", don't know how you ladies manage but those of you that do survive these long deployments deserve a medal.

If your sailor has an email access aboard his ship and many do maybe you could email him on a daily basis, or if he doesn't have email, i'd write letters to him almost daily letting him know you love him and are thinking of him.

I have several "trunks" filled with letters my wife wrote to me during my 32 year career, She rarely missed writing a letter a day when i was away from home. When I first joined the navy after our marriage, I was deployed to Vietnam, I recieved one letter sometimes two everyday I was in nam, then later on all the other deployments including the gulf war in the 90's.

Maybe your Sailor thinks you don't care. Communication is the key to a long marriage if both parties don't make the effort to maintain communication with eachother the marriage will end.

If he doesn't call you maybe it's because he gets no mail from you on his deployments, and figures you don't really care about him. Start writing letters to him when he's on his deployments and you'll see a change in his behavior almost immediately.

Answer 3

First of all if you have made it known to him that you feel he is not calling you when he has a chance, you need to. You must give him a chance to give his side of the story. I know some people will probably answer this by saying he is busy, but from what I read you mean that there obviously was a chance for him to call and he didn't and you know that from the other wives. So you have to ask him why and of course, as a military wife, you know this conversation will have to wait until he is home and you two can actually sit and talk.
I can understand your frustration and I would definitely be worried because it does sound like something is up. However there is always the chance that talking to you makes him really sad and home sick, so cling to that hope but prepare for the fact that you may not have the ideal marriage you think you have. And work on being strong enough to deal with that no matter what it means. You're strong, you're a military wife. Good luck to you and may God keep him safe.

Answer 4

Hello fellow military wife,

I frist want to say hang in there and don't worry hun. There is a lot of questions I'd love to ask before giving my opinions here so I'll have to wing it on your details.

Your not wrong for feeling the way you do it's natural and your human dear.

When the men deploy for whatever reasons war or having to take duties, we never know fully what their job calls for once they are there. So taking that into consideration your husbands duties could be keeping him busy while deployed.

That does not in no way shape or form me that he doesn't love you or want so badly to hear your voice on the phone. You know deep in your heart that he does.

A lot of men find it very difficult to talk to their wives on the phone it makes them sad, they miss us as it is already and so some don't make that attempt. It's even true that for some calling home causes them to lose focus if for some reason a disagreement comes about. Yes, it's inconsiderate but this is military life and you know that.

You know how it is when you've planned something and all of a sudden you guys can't do it because there's something going on at the unit that needs to be address and they must be there no exceptions.

Being millitary wives we all know it's tough but we have to stand by our men and stay strong. Hun, never second guess that he don't love you, miss you or want to hear your voice. Trust me he does.

I do suggest that once he returns that you both sit down once he's settled in and discuss this. Though due to certain missions he may not be able to tell you the reasons why he couldn't call or have never been able to call or didn't call. And you should understand that if that is the case.

I know it hurts when other wives hear from the husbands and it's like your the only one who hasn't. I want you to take my advice on something sweetheart.. Not all of those women really hear from their husbands they say that because they don't want others to know any different or to start on base gossip about "blanks husband isn't calling her, did you hear that wonder what's going on with them" Then the next thing you know there's all sorts of rumors and you know that happens too...

With the way things are now our men are under some deep pressure and all we can do is continue to be there for them and support them 200 %

I don't know if you'd be interested but there is a private group that has been started in Ebay groups called "Military Wives League" The Yellow Rose it is private due to special reason regarding military. Your not alone in a lot of what your saying and that's why we sisters (military wives) stick together just like our husbands..

Don't worry ok just hang in there yes its confusing but relax I am sure there is a real reason for this and it's NOT because he doesn't want to.

Take care my sister and have a wonderful, blessed & happy new year 2007!!

" We are often left behind but never forgotten"

ps
Don't even take the advice of some here stating divoice him this and that dear. They don't know what it means to be a military wife nor how strong you and the rest of us wives are. Military life is very different from civilian life.

Answer 5

My husband and I are independent and not attached at the hip. However, when he was deployed to Kuwait for 14 months, he called me almost every day. Many days this meant waiting in line for anywhere from 20 minutes to over an hour. I don't think he would have ever been like, "Duh...I forgot that I missed my wife." I think we would have been headed to a counselor upon his return. Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

When I served in the military I certainly called home at every opportunity simply to show that I cared. It seems to me that your spouse does not understand the importance of reassuring you of his affection and of your importance in his life. So take the opportunity to raise the matter with him (perhaps over a romantic dinner?) when he next gets home. Quietly explain how much you miss him when he's away, and how pleased you would be if he called you whenever he can. It's possible that he simply does not realise that he is being a little indiferent to your feelings and that a gentle reminder is all he needs. Good luck, anyway.

Answer 7

My husband is also deployed. I know of some wives that their husbands don't call much either. Some men just aren't phone people and don't like to talk unless they have something to say. With your husband being where he is..he may not have too much to say. I'm sure that he misses you very much and that this deployment just might be hard for him to deal with. I know its hard not to worry, but you gotta try to stay strong for your man and for all the other men out there. When he gets home think about going to counseling..just to try to get reconnected. Being gone from each other can be hard on both of you. Good luck with everything..I hope all works out for your family.

Answer 8

Being a military wife is difficult. I could never do it. I do think that your husband may have other relationships. Be it with other men on the ship or with people in the places they dock. I've seen it a million times when the men do this. Believe me, I'm not being mean, just sharing what I've seen...... Good Luck

Answer 9

Just tell him that you love and miss him, that it would mean the world to you if you called you when it was possible, that to hear his voice would put you at ease. You don't sound clingy, it might also be that he handles the distance better if he doesn't dwell on you.....because that might be what he does.....it could be that is easier for him that way....good luck sweety. Hes a hero!

Answer 10

It's a guy thing for guys who are thoughtless. My ex was the same way. He was stationed in Sicily for a year and after he left for Sicily I didn't hear from him for almost three weeks! I contacted his parents who hadn't heard from him either so I contacted the local base's wives club and they got in contact with his CO and he FINALLY called home...It's just plain thoughtlessness this is the way it will always be for you I'm afraid because they don't change.

Answer 11

This may be as simple as a lack of communication netween the 2 of you in terms of expectations. You should, in a straight forward manner, tell him that you expect to receive a phone call from him when he reaches a part and is able to call you. Explain to him that you miss him very much and that you treasure those times that you are able to hear his voice. Also explain to him that that is an expectation of yours and you want him to respect that