Can I mend my relationship with my kids?

Question

I have 2 grown up kids, a boy 27 and a girl 23. I was a firm believer in discipline, even in spanking, and both were a bit troublesome when teens. Sometimes I had to punish. Today they are graduated, w/ good jobs and are terrific people, but almost hate me. It's more than 1 year I haven't seen them. They resent their mom too. I lost any hope they make up with me, though I'll always love them

Answer 1

If the kids resent you this much, chances are that you aren't telling us all of the reality. "Spanking" is a sugarcoated term for hitting. I honestly believe you either beat them or made them feel terrible about themselves (they're one and the same anyway) - although you may not have realized you were doing either (drunken haze, extremely limited, etc.).

Please try to take an honest inventory of why your grown, educated children should feel such hostility toward you. Then write each of them a long letter apologizing for the behavior that hurt them so. Most importantly, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your children are quite obviously intelligent and unless they've grown horns at the top of their head and have hoofed feet more than likely have a justifiable reason for their anger. As a parent, it is your job to find out what that is. It begins within you.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Do they resent the mom because she allowed you to spank and dicipline them? Or, do they resent her because they felt she did not do anything to help them from getting themselves spanked? Were you spanked as a child and thought that was the only way you knew how to dicipline them?
If any or all of these ends up with a 'Yes' answer, then I suggest you write to them. Explain that you would like to meet them for lunch or dinner. Not you and their mom, just you. Then, if you have their number, call them and ask if they recieved your letter and see what would be the best time for them to meet you. They have to pick which day and time. If it fits your schedule (hint: MAKE it fit your schedule), then go from there. If you happen to either get your son or your daughter and the other does not show, just understand that it may take them longer for them to accept that olive branch.
Start out with thanking them for wanting to see you; they did not have to do that. Then, start by saying how great they look, ask them how they are doing, then lay all the cards out on the table. Tell that you are sorry for spanking them, that you know now that was not the right thing to do, but, that was your only way of actually showing them that dicipline. You know what I mean.
Then ask them what do they think and feel. See what they say. LISTEN.
If they want you in their lives (without being taken advantage of, via money) then, that would be great.
If not, that does not mean that the next week, you can't call them and just see how they are doing.
I hope this helps out.

Answer 3

You really do need to try to mend this, your kids are the most important thing on this earth.

If you call them and tell them you may have been a bit strict at times and maybe even wrong sometimes but you still love them very much. And want them to know that.

I have a friend that had about the something going on. And his Dad died and he never did get to tell him that he loved him. That bothers him really bad & always will..........

You should mend this while you still can and even if you never do have a close relationship with them at least you done your part to fix things and let them know how you feel....

Answer 4

You need to maybe take the first step in saying I'm sorry!! Maybe it's hard for them to admit that maybe they are being childish. Invite them over for dinner, send them a card just because. It's rough to mend a relationship after a while, but I will tell you what I hadn't seen my dad since I was about 4 and growing up we heard all the bad things never any good. One day I heard my pastor preaching about forgiveness and how he had hate for his father and it ate him alive until one day he decided to forgive his dad and make peace with himself....that same day he and his dad mended their relationship his father passed away. I took that as I wouldn't want anything to happen to my dad and never get to know him or say good-bye, I love you or anything. I found my father when I was 21, and that is the best thing that I could have ever done. The reason I am telling you this is because My father told me he always wanted to find us but he was afraid that we could never forgive him. Maybe your children are experiencing the same fear....maybe your experiencing the same fear...but you will never know until you try, don't go on in life thinking "WHAT IF" just go to them and tell them how you feel. If they are adults about it they will let it stay in the past. You are on the right road to mending your relationship because you are showing your children that you care. Do everything in your power to become apart of their lives even if it is a little out of time....Good luck to you....and I will keep you and your children in my prayes, that you may rekindle the father son/daughter relationships!!

Answer 5

It seems to me that you've done the same thing that any decent loving parent would have done. It also seems to me that you've raised them right. Hopefully in time they'll realize that and try to make a peace with you and their mom. In the meantime, I feel that although you miss them, you've done the right thing. They're respectable people, educated, and now are working. They're not on drugs, or a drag to the economy. I say good job dad !!! They've chosen to stay away, so there's really nothing you can do about it. Just continue to be yourself, and I think in time they'll come back, when they both mature. Don't lose any sleep over this......best of luck dude.......

Answer 6

right this is my deal: my mothers and dads divorced whilst i became 6. 2 weeks as quickly as we could moved out, his lady buddy and her teenagers had moved in, and after the divorce became very final, he married the b*tch on my mom's birthday. From the view of a injury 6 12 months previous baby, my evil stepsister have been given MY room in MY domicile and she or he have been given to be sure MY dad every day. upload to this my mom's injury being poured into my ear for years, and that i'm strolling on your infants' footwear. What you do is you maintain CALLING. you do no longer look ahead to them to touch you. you basically call, you manifest, you deliver the syrupy-candy birthday playing cards, you attain OUT each and each freakin' day, because of the fact buddy, no remember how undesirable you're injury, you haven't any longer any thought how injury your infants have been, too. they're going to be distant, they're going to attempt you, yet once you incredibly need this, you will no longer provide up. you would be consistent and you will constantly be loving no remember what they throw at you. In time, you will win their hearts. yet once you falter, in case you come again to a determination you will wait them out and notice in the event that they're going to call first, in case you're saying something that criticizes them, or in case you do something that provides them the excuse to, they're going to close you out.

Answer 7

Try talking with them and letting them know that you would love to have a better relationship with them. If they wont talk to you try writing a letter. Let them know that your sorry if you hurt them.

Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. Sometimes if you offer to goto counseling it can help as well. good luck.

Answer 8

When they have kids, they will see how hard it is. I was that way when I was a kid. Now I have a teenager and I realize how hard it is to raise them. Keep talking to them and be willing to take the brunt of the critisim and accusations with stride. Then it will blow over and all should be calm.

Answer 9

Yes!!!! Don't give up... call them up... and truly tell them how sorry you and your wife are...

or atleats say that you don't want there to be any animosity between u guys... good luck