Me & my husband separated because of my attitude toward him. He moved out. He said he was afraid to come back because he felt I wasn't going to change. He said he needed time. When we talk and I ask him a question about our marriage and when he coming home he get upset with me and ask me why am I always questioning him and hangs up on me. He came over yesterday and spent Xmas with me & my daughter. We didn't talk much. Today I asked him when he was coming home and he said "see you bothering me again that's why things are not going to work out " and hung up om me again. Should I just leave him alone and realize that he just don't want me anymore?
2006-12-26 10:24:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
O-k, I am going to give you advise based on my own situation years ago.
I was in your husbands shoes and my wife in yours.
I did love her and hated the fact things went wrong but I was so shell shocked because of how I was treated and hardly ever got a moments peace without questions.
We seperated and she would call and try and ask same thing and sometimes get angry and say things.
At times she would just ask "when you coming back home" and I would also get upset.
You see, when someone tells you they feel like they need to let the old things die off and want you to think about your actions and try and be the old person that was with them for who they were not for what you could make them into. They mean they need to make the decision and everytime you ask them that question you are forcing your thoughts on them.I am sure your not thinking it that way but for now thats how it will be precieved.
Well, When my wife finally left me alone a bit and didnt keep questioning my intentions it got worked out.
She finally just would call and tell me her day and ask how I was with no pressure. She would sometimes hand me a note when I came to get my daughter just to say Hi and say I still love you and was thinking of you.
You know why this helped?? Cause it showed she was really thinking of "me" not just what she needed from me or what she was hoping to make me.
Look, I know it sucks to be hanging not knowing whats going to come of it, but if you think your relationship is worth it and truly want him to be happy with you, not just with you, then try to see things from another perspective and give it time.If its meant to be, it will work out and more than likely just like my relationship is now. Much stronger and alot better understanding and comunication that matters.
Hang tuff, and relax. somethings are worth some effort.
2006-12-26 10:38:21 · answer #1 · answered by vmaxer85 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me as if the two of you have had some fundamental differences in your marriage for some time. You may not have had a clue there were any, and HE didn't have a clue how to address them. Biiiiig failure to communciate in other words. He came over for Christmas, which doesn't sound as if he is just wanting to "slam out" of your life. But you also say you didn't talk much, which suggests to me that he STILL doesn't know how to address whatever problem it is that he thinks you have, while on your side of it, you didn't know how to confront him about it.
As soon as you asked him "when are you coming home"? he immediately felt the walls closing in on him, and he's being challenged with an issue he doesn't know how to bring out into the open. I see the problem as being the two of you just not knowing how to handle something because you're just not on the same page.
You don't go into any details about "your attitude towards him" Is this an attitude that you know you have, or is it something he has said you have? One way or another the only thing that is going to sort it all out is for the two of you to agree to marriage counceling. You need to g et with a counselor who is experienced in these things, and seen it all, and heard it all, and has the skill to guide the two of you to the "same page of the book" lol.
My advice would be for you, when you next talk with him, to suggest to him, -coolly and calmly and without anger that perhaps the best way to resolve whatever it is that is getting in the way of the two of you coming together with understanding, would be to see an independent, totally uninvolved third person, who IS an expert, and can be completely impartial as he or she helps you to bring out the source of this hidden conflict. If you can get him to agree - at least for the sake of the child.- this might be the beginnings of a successful reconciliation. If he refuses, then, sadly, you may have to start thinking about a new life direction.
2006-12-26 18:51:59 · answer #2 · answered by sharmel 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He may need time, true enough, but he does not have to hang up on you like that! In my opinion, he is playing a game. He knows you want him back and he is playing it for what it's worth. It seems when you give a man too much attention you get burned. You have every right to want to know when he is coming home. After all, you are married. He is not single. What is he thinking. If he needs more time then tell him to let you know when he gets ready, but let him know what you cannot and will not wait forever.
2006-12-26 18:29:20 · answer #3 · answered by Hoping he will bless me with #1 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, going by what you wrote it looks like if he doesn't want to be with you. I wish i could be wrong but talking from my own experience, I been living with this guy for the past 7 years and he has the same problem as you do and it's hard to deal with the situation because for some of us it's hard to realize that it's wrong but we still hope to see changes. My advice for you is just not to push it and just give him time maybe that's what he probably needs. Remember that the more you ask, the worst it is for you and him because he feels uncomfortable having to say "no, things can't work out" and is bad for you everytime that he hangs up on you or tells you, "see you bothering me again that's why things are not going to work out " meaning in orther word just to leave him alone because he's not interested anymore. Even though it looks like most of it might be your fault, he has no rights to hurt you in any way, and you need to keep your pride and head up and show that even when you might feel like crap, no one in this world has the right to humiliate you. You need to do 2 things
1- for the last time, tell him that you need to seriously to talk to him if he agree then let him know the way you feel, that you want to work things out, and that you are willing to work and improve your attitude to safe your marriage.
2-if he refuses to even talk then you need to promise yourself that as much as it hurts you'll try to get over him and not let him or anybody else step on you.
It's not easy but you can't force for him to work things out remember it takes 2 for a couple to establish a relationship. Give him some time, then tell him that you don't want to preassure him but you need a yes or no in order for you to move on, besides it's not because you're going to date another guy tomorrow, but you can't wait the rest of your life for him to make up his mind! If you're meant to be, it will happen sooner or later.
2006-12-26 20:16:16 · answer #4 · answered by D1NONLY 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best thing to do is give him time. If there is something that annoys him, don't bring it up. If it were me, I would leave him be for awhile, and the next correspondence between us would be from him. If he calls you, then he would be more likely to be responsive to you. I think he might still "want you" , but as long as you keep bringing up the same subject that made him leave, nothing is going to change. Good Luck!!
2006-12-26 18:35:20 · answer #5 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds to me that he is trying to use your attitude as an excuse for leaving he may have other reasons and that is the best he could come up with. do u suspect another woman? cause to me if i want my marriage to work out i would be willing to do what ever it takes to make it work. did he talk to you about your attitude be he decided to leave? cause if that is the case he should have told to something and maybe you could have changed your attitude before it got this far
2006-12-26 18:32:17 · answer #6 · answered by chelle 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kick the bum out. Change the the locks on your home and go get an order of protection. Go find yourself a nice man who will love you for who you are. Best of luck to you.
2006-12-26 18:44:19 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to just let go. Obviously it is just bugging him that you keep calling and asking when he is coming home. Give him time to figure himself out and rather than worrying when he is coming home, concentrate on you and your daughter.
2006-12-26 18:33:07 · answer #8 · answered by mydds07 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its time to let go, and heal. you have alot to overcome in the ending of a relationship. of course you may always love him..or maybe he's stubborn and not willing to admint how he really feels. talk to a therapist with him. i found that to be helpful with a situation a year back with my ex. we were able to trust eachother enough and finally tallk things out.
2006-12-26 18:30:06 · answer #9 · answered by yulian1126 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It takes 2 to tango!
He is blaming you for his issues.
Let go & move on. Time to file for the big D.
2006-12-26 18:33:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋