My fiance & I have had a great rltnship. This summer I plugged in a pw common to us in her email & it worked & I went thru it a couple of times I think out of curiosity but this has never hppnd before. Later on that month, she was supposed to come visit but was acting distant. I asked her about this & she told me that she was not feeling well. I then looked at her email & found that she had been contctd by an old guy friend that day & was encouraging him to come visit as he was driving thru her town. I felt she was hiding this as she has never hidden any 'guy contct' before. I didn't confront her directly (afraid of my breach of trust), pushed for her to tell me but nothing. I trusted, put this aside & she came & we bought wedding stuff. She changed her pw right after making me believe that she knew what had gone on but never confronted me. We are now seprated as she says she has trust/conflict avdnce issues she is working on. Should I tell her what I did, found & when: now/later/never
2006-12-26 08:47:58 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My fiance just terminated our relationship with me saying that she has trust issues with me. As I said she was going through a period of reflection/decision thus I decided to take a moral inventory of myself to figure out how I contributed to the breakdown in the relationship besides the whole email issue. I came up with several times where I did or say things to affect her trust in me (I did not mention the email issue) but these were not infidelity or big things & nothing that could not be fixed. I put all this in an email and with the most amount of humility I could find, sent it to her taking full responsibility for making her feel distrustful of me and saying/meaning I was sorry. No matter how small they seemed to me, they were obviously big to her as her decision came soon after and was based on the things I commncted cause distrust. I bared my soul but she did not come clean about her hiding her email corrspndnce. Did she act out of guilt? Should I have told her (snooping) now?
2006-12-26 18:55:00 · update #1
Regardless of what anyone tells you, you have to decide if you love this woman enough to fight for her. There is no proof that she has cheated on you, but meeting another man is enough to cause problems. And if you do tell her that you know about the email exchange with the ex boyfriend, you will have to admit to your dishonesty as well, that will be necessary. You are just as guilty of a different kind of trust issue as she is.
If you have decided that she is worth the fight, then sit down, talk to her as mature adults. I'd start off by telling her out of sheer human curiosity you tried the password and it worked, and you went into her email, that it was wrong and you have no excuse for what you did, and that you are sorry. But that in the meantime you came across the email. Tell her how much you love her, and that you don't want your relationships destroyed because of this. Trust me, through your lives you will come across more than one issue that will potentially be destructive to your marriage, if you can't sit and discuss it, work it out and ride out the rough wave, you won't have the foundation to stand the crash.
Good Luck, and remember, a mistake is mistake only if you don't learn from it.... than it becomes a lesson.
2006-12-26 09:07:42 · answer #1 · answered by deanie1962 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I were you, I would let this be a life lesson as you were in too deep when you thought about breaking into her email "with your common pw" the fact that you did that tells me you and her had trust issues way before old guy friend contacted her. I would be livid if I was your former fiance and you told me that you did this. There is no way she would be able to trust you again, if she is already dealing with trust issues. I would just let it go, and let her go. No good can come from you two being together now as you will have the guilt of betraying her trust and also the knowledge that she was possibly cheating on you when you were engaged. Start fresh and move on, but please don't make the mistake of doing that to anyone again!
2006-12-26 09:03:53 · answer #2 · answered by Dino 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Have you talked to her about why she has trust issues? Your guilt over spying could have given her suspicion, causing her to misinterpret your actions. Maybe she read the guilt as meaning you cheated when in fact, you did nothing of the sort. I think you need to let the cat out of the bag and tell her the reason you did not bring it up before is because you trusted her and had faith in your relationship.
2006-12-26 09:33:09 · answer #3 · answered by Jaybo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she's definately hiding something and if not more, she may be cheating. I mean why all of suddend after she encourages this guy to come see her she has trust issues. I mean put two and two together. I would tell her and then ask her why she felt she had to hide it, i mean they say dont go looking for something unless you want to find something because you will. So just ask her and see if she gets defensive, means she's doing something or remorsefull and then she will probably tell you why. At the first sign you think she's lying tell her no point in talking if your just going to lie to me and then let her go.
2006-12-26 09:09:16 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
She has trust issues? You had trust issues, which led you to snoop. Now you are the bad guy because of course you should not have looked.
Goes with the territory. Its okay for her to lie and not okay for you to invade her privacy.
Yes it sounds like you need to clear the air on this one. This issue will not resolve itself while remaining unspoken.
How ironic that that the people with the trust issues are the ones with something to hide.
It sounds like you may need to draw other plans which do not include the liar.
2006-12-26 09:12:42 · answer #5 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know, what you did was soooooooo wrong. Invading some body's privacy is no good. I don't care that she had an affair or not, it is the question of freedom and privacy and trust. And you don't have any right of taking some body's freedom. Who knows may be she don't have an affair? Did you talk to her about it? I don't think so either. If you don't have trust on her, you could have asked her. So go and tell her the truth and let's see what happens. You have hurt her, so she deserve the truth and may be "sorry" from you.
2006-12-26 09:06:18 · answer #6 · answered by butterfly 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You should have broken up with her after finding that email. She not only lied to you to try and get out of visiting you, but it was because she was trying to meet up with another guy? Do you really want to marry someone like this? You will always be wondering what else she is hiding..
Honestly it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, or if she really want you. Don't waste your time.
2006-12-26 08:55:23 · answer #7 · answered by Jenniphur 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Bottom line who cares about whether or not she's cheating that is neither here nor there. She has a major issue going on that tells me she is not ready for marriage. I am talking about her trust/conflict isssue you mentioned. That is not exactly a good thing to bring into a marriage. Should you tell her? No, just let it go. You're already separated.
2006-12-26 09:01:03 · answer #8 · answered by Laela (Layla) 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Let it go what is done is done. She obviously already found out somehow that you got into her emails so what is the sense in mentioning it. You just need to work on your snooping issues before you land yourself another catch so the same thing doesn't happen twice.
2006-12-26 08:53:58 · answer #9 · answered by luscious0071 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You shouldn't tell her. It will make matters worst. Maybe you all should wait a little longer on the marriage or don't marry at all because of the trust issue you all have.
2006-12-26 08:59:53 · answer #10 · answered by Shay 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋