In love with a married man?

Question

We have been together for a yr and a half
he keeps saying he will divorce, they dont
live together, children are grown, but he does still go their on hoildays swears they are
not initmate, I love him but Im tired of feeling like #2 im a widow and he is the first person to make me feel like life is worth living again, im afarid if i stop seeing him i will sink into a depression again,

Answer 1

Time for you to move on and get far away from this guy - he is nothing but trouble!!

Answer 2

How and when did you meet your married man? I imagine that he knew you were a widow and saw how vulnerable you were at the time. He wanted to be your "rebound guy". The guy who makes you feel special, makes you smile again and makes life great. He may have known that you would fall in love with him and he wanted a mistress that would stick around for the long term.

You have already spent over a year with this man and he has made it clear that he is not getting divorced. They don't live together and the kids are grown, so what is keeping him from getting a divorce? And when did they stop living together? Were you in the picture already?

The real focus though should be you. You say that you are tired of feeling like #2, but you are afraid to stop seeing him. The feeling like you're #2 is the familiar pain that you know how to handle. Giving that up and being on your own can be terrifying and if you do it, you will feel lost at first.

But I am sure you have friends and family whom you can count on to get you through the rough patches. You can always do volunteer work to meet new people and feel good about the way you spend your time. You are in a rut now and you need to get out of it. If it's meant to be, then he will realize how much he misses you when you are gone and he will show up at your door with divorce papers.

Stop living in the shadows and move on with your life. You deserve it.

Answer 3

It sounds like you are on your way to depression anyway. Dating someone who is married, whether they are separated or not, is usually a recipe for disaster. You will always feel like you are competing with the spouse, until he has the balls to get the divorce. There is something keeping him from it and you can't do anything about that until he finally decides it is time. The problem is if he decides he doesn't want the divorce. It sounds like he still has some doubts and you are just the nookie he gets while he makes that decision. You might need to tell him that you need to break it off with him until he can make a move. If he wants to be with you, that might push him off the fence, but it is possible it will push him the other way too. Either way you aren't being taken on an emotional roller-coaster ride and you can start moving forward with your life. Believe it or not, there will be someone out there who doesn't have that baggage that will cause you far less emotional distress, because he will be able to focus all his efforts on you, instead of playing with your heart while he "figures things out."

Being a widow you are probably feeling some co-dependency. You are used to having another person in your life who makes you feel complete and you don't have that now. You need to get some counseling, or find a support group of widows/widowers where you can learn how to find that completeness within yourself instead of needing someone else to do that for you. You will come away stronger and be a better more confident person from the experience. Along the way to finding yourself again, you may find the right partner that you can share the rest of your life with, and you will be a better partner to them because you will bring some strength and stability to the relationship yourself.

Answer 4

First you need to say a prayer asking for guidance and support. Second: You most likely have already lead yourself into depression because you, deep down, already know this person is leading you around by the nose. HE's a married man, living with or without a wife. HE has family, which always ties him to his "WIFE", you are his toy, someone to pay games with. Respect yourself more, get out and enjoy life. You did not say how old you are, but there is someone out there who isn't married, who wants a wife, and will truly and honestly give to you the love you deserve. GO FOR THE GOLD....not the "fool's gold". This man has no intention of leaving his family or wife. One month would have told me this man was wrong, especially for cheating on this wife. HE'LL do the same to you if you should ever get him. GOOD LUCK and keep a positive attitude about yourself. You deserve better for yourself, always remember you are worthy of a true devotion and sincere love.

Answer 5

You're settling b/c you don't value yourself enough. I read something today that I thought was insightful..."if the person you're dating is not crazy about you, you're crazy for staying." I can see how this situation satisfies him, but I don't know how he keeps you on the hook. You've dated him much too long. You'll always be number # 2 and I doubt you're accustomed to that. You're probably lonely and are willing to accept less than you deserve. I hope you take the risk and terminate this relationship. Otherwise, you're likely to lose all self esteem and hit depression big time. Solitude is not such a bad thing--it beats the heck out of tolerated mistreatment. He doesn't make you feel special--that's reason enough to get out of the relationship. Good Luck

Answer 6

Hi there and sorry for your frustrations/loss and kudos to you for recognizing your co-dependence on this person. That is half of the battle you face.

The other half of the battle that you face is finding purpose in your life and giving yourself the freedom to explore your real needs and desires. Too often, we have others place chains on us or we chain ourselves - limiting the quality of life we can experience. Is it possible that you have given this person control of your chains to avoid the guilt of limiting yourself?

And for you, is life a journey or a destination?

You have been dealt a blow with the loss of your husband. Is it possible that, as most people would, you feel your destination has changed and is 'out of whack' and you don't know where to turn except to somebody else who is unstable and searching for answers?

My advice is this: see life as a journey not a destination. As with any journey, there will be joy and heartache, laughter and tears, successes and failures. But the journey goes on. You cannot have peaks without valleys. I personally was involved in a relationship that took me years to reconcile. I now have an incredible wife and soon-to-be 5 children that light up every room and a thriving business that is rewarding and personally gratifying. I would never have truly enjoyed this peak without first knowing the depths of those valleys.

I wish you the best and hope you find that your best is still within you waiting for your permission to come out.

Answer 7

Oh my oh my - again, a question I know the asker KNOWS the answer to but asks it anyways.

Break off the affair - you are not only meddling with someone else's husband and comittment, you are meddling with lives and you have no right to.

Then get urself some counseling, cuz honey, there is something wrong with your decision-making abilities and chances are, even you are smart enough to leave this guy and his life well enough alone, you will find yourself in the very same situation again if you don't take the steps to fix your own root of the problem.

Answer 8

I would have to say that you both have little morals, which resulted in this. You both will do as you wish, no matter what anyone here says. You are proving that. Just remember that you reap what you sow. If he leaves his wife, you will get the same as she did in all probability and you would deserve no better. He on the other hand would have no reason to find you other then common, for you knowingly sleep with him. Sounds like you two are perfect for one another now doesnt it?

And since it would appear that you both are a bit older, then realize the next time you say "you dont know what is wrong with people anymore", you are both the ones who gave/give examples on how to act, what is wrong, what is immoral. In other words, the both of you are what is wrong with people anymore and possibly the cause of some of their being that way.

Answer 9

I understand you. But I also kind of understand him. I know this is going to sound really bad, but it is reality. He has invested so much in his marriage already, and he is afraid that he will regret leaving because he might not have what he has again. He is afraid that maybe he will not like completely being with you. I am not saying what he is doing is right, but even though he is in love you with, he is afraid of the future. It is hard to start over and just look at the consequences he will face with his wife and children. I know this is hard for you, and I not asking you to leave. I know everyone is saying to leave him or talk to him, and that hasn't worked yet. But truly, you need to go to him once again and tell him once and for all, and that you understand but you have a life too. Although it seems drastic, it is one step closer to you being happier faster. IF he says no, accept it...and I know it is hard to do, but move on. You will be depressed and want to go back to him, but you will also recover and be happy instead of being stuck in this triangle. He is not the only one that needs to make a decision, you need to too. THink about this...what him he says no another 1.5 years later. You could have been over this or changed things in your life by then. You need to think about yourself, NOT him when you making your decisions. What you are doing isn't right either, but I understand that things happen.

Answer 10

If you've been together for a year and a half and he still hasn't divorced his wife, the chances of him doing it are nill. Stay away from guys like that. They will eventually suck the life out of you. You already say that you feel like #2. In a healthy relationship you should feel like #1 and he should make every effort to make sure you feel like #1. Get out now. Get help for your depression. And find a man who is single and worth your time.

Answer 11

Sorry, you're the other woman. Why should he divorce when he's got his cake and is eating it too.

You deserve better than that as well as the fact that you're enabling him to cheat on his legal wife. Besides those facts, if he's cheating on his wife, what makes you think he'll be faithful to you?

Dump him and find someone else who wants to be with you and you alone.

See if you have a singles group for widows/widowers or whatever situation you're in and join in some activities. Volunteer somewhere to help keep yourself busy and active.