Isn't separatioN better than divorce? Why won't he agree?

Question

I have been married 18 years. We have a 4 year old daughter. I have tried for years to get my husband to participate more in the raising of our child. I have worked throughout the marriage and for many years earned more than my husband. ( Not now). He also left all housekeeping to me. He also at one point decided that he didn't want to go out but have people over. We live in the suburbs and I like going to the City but he refuses. For the last year, we have lived like roommates but he is really pitching in on the childcare and housework. It has gone on so long, though, that I am very, I don't know, disgusted, and would like to separate for a while. He says that if we separate, he just wants a divorce directly. I believe that a separation is better and then maybe we can wok it out.

Answer 1

I'm not sure about this one but it seems as though you guys are already seperated at least spiritually. You don't seem as though you are soul mates, although maybe you are and you've allowed problems and dissapointments to cause you to lose sight of where your souls are. Maybe you never were, I don't know but I am in a marriage for twenty years and is somewhat like yours where I was the only one that took an active role in raising the children with discipline, the support at school events the parent -teacher counsultations or should I say,"confrontations". I taught them all to drive and I'm the encourager and basic provider although he makes the money because he never has been concerned for their college or any part of their future. At this point, I inventoried my life and kind of liked it at least until something better comes along. (Or someone without AIDs come along), I have a pretty blessed life! It took me alot of self examinations and a lot of understanding of his issues and how to either live with or help him with them. With counseling you can find ways to live together and maybe even find a way to respect and tolerate the others short comings enough to avoid divorce. If not I would suggest that getting a seperation may be a hopeless cry for "change" that you are not confronting him on by suggesting marriage counseling. If you have and you both truly worked at it...then you may have to make a choice-either accept the fact that you are already seperated and the two of you are not in to making the marriage any better. Accept the status of your marriage or continue on if you want a change. I would definitely try telling your husband if you want your marriage to get any better to try marriage counseling again and commit to "working" the tools you've been given...especially on yourself. In due time you may find yourself improving because we tend to once some of the kinks have been worked out of ourselves. If your husband is "fair" is with childcare and providing and not beating you or your daughter and simply not social then maybe you should count yourself blessed and find friends to go out with yourself. I did and it took awhile but my heart has detached from trying to get his attention and I find him more willing to be social now. He may only be attentive because of his insecuties (like many times before) but this time I actually have a new lifestyle that does not include him.

Answer 2

He probably doesn't want the feeling of uncertainty, and of being "strung along" at your mercy while you decide whether or not to be married to him. After 18 years, you know whether or not you still love him. If you don't, then just get the divorce. It is a very final sounding thing that can be scary to commit to, but it's better not to drag out the hurt feelings any more than necessary. If you do still love him, and it's just that you are disgusted and aggravated with him-try counseling instead of a separation. You say at the end of your post that it could possibly be worked out. If you really mean that, and it isn't just an easier way out than the cold hard truth, then counseling, and maybe a little time to yourself-doesn't mean you have to live separately.

Answer 3

Suggest to try counseling first before seperation. It could be very helpful. Think about it this way, Apperently you guys discussing things yourselfs are not helping your situation. So, you need someone outside to give you guys insight. Try to find out yet again why you fall in love with him 18 years ago.

If the counselor doesn't help at least you can think that you've done everything you could've.

if things don't work after counselor, choose to get a divorce instead of seperation (although you might consider legal seperation but I don't think he will agree as he cannot get married again). 18 years marriage could mean lifetime alimony and of course he has to pay child support. You are better off if a court orders these than just seperate and try to work these issues yourself with him.

Answer 4

For 13 years you were "childless" in this marriage! You must have known what your husband was like by then. So my question to you is "why"? I see your husband's point of view, at his age, relocation to another dwelling, while your separated, him travelling back and forth to see his child, I can understand why he would just rather get a "divorce". End it all now, and move on, that is my advice. You both still have time to re-establish your lives,for your child to be Less affected by this "new life" with only one parent. If you have been living like "roommates" for over a year, I agree with your husband. Good Luck and Happy New Year.

Answer 5

I feel your pain but sometimes that separating causes more of a rift than trying to work on it together. I tried for many years to get my ex to go to therapy to work on the issues and she refused only when I filed for divorce then she wanted to go to therapy but at that point it was really too late. But the one thing that did help me was a homework assignment that we did with couples therapy was to do a time line of the relationship. What I found like you living as room mates and not as a couple for many years. It only works if you are completely honest with yourself because relationships are no just one sided.

I finally made the decision to divorce because life is just too short living as a room mate just for the sake of the kids. I hope this helps in some small way Good Luck

Answer 6

Maybe he feels it's time to call it quits altogether. I'm sorry, but it seems like if he thought the relationship had a chance in the future, he'd agree to a separation. To see if this is true, ask how he feels about marriage councelling. If he says no to that too, he probably just wants the marriage to be over so you both can move on. What should be most important is your daughter, don't pull her into the middle of this and always consider her best interests!!

Answer 7

Sounds like his way or the highway?? Maybe he's just trying to stop anything from changing and so that's why his attitude is that way. Not wanting to seperate for awhile, who will clean and cook for him? You just need to decide what you want, if you want a break take a break, if he keeps on with the divorce directly, you'll just have to decide. Alot of states make you go through a class, maybe some counseling?

Answer 8

You should go for the divorce, why separate? The only reason to separate is if you are not sure you want to leave him, and want to try to find someone else before you cut it off with hubby. Have some balls and just get the divorce if you are truly not happy.

Answer 9

Before you sign the divorce papers I think you need to go see a marriage specialist (both you and husband). If he is unwilling then go for yourself so that whatever decision you make there won't be any second guessing. You should go not only for your own sake, but for your daughter too. Whatever you decide it will affect the daughter's life.

Answer 10

You're already separated. You live like roomates & aren't a couple anymore. If you cannot try to work things out in counseling or something like that then maybe divorce is best.