What do you do when you have a cold hearted spouse?

Question

My husband and I have been married a little over a year now and about a month ago he told me that he doesn't have any emotion left in him. We've had problems in our relationship that caused this wall between us (it wasn't infidelity). I love my husband so much but he's also told me that he didn't know if he wanted to continue to work on our marriage or not. He says that he wakes up and goes to sleep with a "whatever happens, happens" type of thinking meaning if I choose to leave him it wouldn't hurt him. How do I get him to love me more or give more with our marriage? I've explained to him that the first year of marriage is the hardest but I just don't know if to leave it alone or keep pushing for something that isn't there anymore.

Answer 1

It takes 2 to make the marriage work. If he has that attitute and is unwilling to try.......I think you are doomed.

Answer 2

Avoiding Four Common Relationship Problems
Question of the Week: I have been on the dating scene for what feels like my entire life (I'm a 30 year old who has never been married). I’ve had many girlfriends, some serious, and some not so serious. Every time I believe that I’ve found “the one,” the same old relationship issues seem to pop up, and we end up breaking up. I was wondering what the most common relationship problems are and the best ways to get past them?

Relationships are the spice of life, but the spice of relationships is also bound to leave an unpleasant taste in your mouth once in awhile. Most everyone will experience a failed relationship before meeting the love of their life, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as they’re able to learn from it rather than falling into the same patterns again and again. Find out if you’re guilty of any of these common relationship problems.

Emotionally-Unhealthy Individuals
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: To optimize the success of a happy and healthy relationship, each partner needs to be at their most complete as an individual. This means each person needs to be emotionally mature and available, have a strong sense of self and know what it is that each person wants from the other. An emotionally-unhealthy individual will look at a relationship as a way to solve their own problems or as the thing in life that will make them feel complete. An emotionally-unhealthy individual may be too dependant because they’re too afraid to be alone and may settle for someone they know won’t make a good partner.

Moving Too Fast
In a world where instant gratification dominates, relationships often fail because of this exact reason – too many couples are in a rush to “make it work,” ignoring any waving red flags. You end up putting too much faith in a relationship because you want to be in one so bad and you believe a relationship will fix all of your loneliness or feelings of being incomplete. Excitement about a new relationship is one thing, but forgetting that a relationship takes a lot of time to really grow is another. There is no specific “stage” you should be in at a pre-determined time. It all depends on the couple.

Unrealistic Expectations
Romantic fantasies, unhealthy individuals and putting too much hope into an already struggling relationship all describe this general common relationship problem theme – having unrealistic expectations. Expecting that you can change any bad behaviors your partner has is unrealistic. Expecting your partner to feel the same way about everything is unrealistic. When your expectations don’t come to fruition, you place blame on the other for something that you should probably blame yourself for. The only expectations you should have about a relationship is that you will be treated as well as you treat the other person and that you will gain friendship, love, respect and support from a healthy relationship. Expect to plan for the dynamics of a relationship changing over time due to human nature and external factors, but expect that love will survive if you work at it.

Money
Everyone has a different style of dealing with money. Some of you are frugal Franks while others are spendthrifts Susies. Money can be a huge root of contention in a relationship, especially in a marriage when the money is mutually shared. Different money styles aren’t necessarily something that will hurt a relationship, but the lack of compromise or deception with money can.

Money also can represent a power struggle in a relationship and one of the partners may feel like their independence is being compromised. Before opening a joint bank account or getting married, it is essential that any money differences, issues and fears are discussed, and a compromise and budget or short-term and long-term goals are agreed upon. However, what is most essential is to respect what lines have been drawn, and not to use money as a way to exert control or power over the other.

An important element of any happy and healthy relationship is individual health. The body-mind connection is so powerful, that by taking care of your body you will help empower your mind and enrich your relationships.

Answer 3

He wakes up with a "whatever happens' attitude. It sounds like he is depressed to me. He needs help and in this depression he can't think clearly and he is letting you know. He is thinking my wife can think more clearly than me and if I tell her my problem maybe she will know what to do.

There are councilors who may suggest he see a doctor for depression. It is not a problem that can be solved overnight. There is even a depression that shows up more frequently in the winter when people stay indoors, but it can show up in any situation where a person doesn't get much sunlight. When at work he may not be getting enough light and when home he is tired and isn't getting much light from a window.

Rearrange the furniture so he gets light from the morning and evening sun. Don't flood the house with it, for that will be so overbearing that he will shrink away from it. After a while suggest walks that will get him some of the much needed sun.

If you two have some friends to get together with in situations that will get him that much needed sun, then by all means do so. Go to the zoo or other outdoor events. Laughter is the best medicine it is said. Don't fake it. Someone deeply depressed can see right through that, so do not play him for a fool. If there are nice jokes or funny stories to read then let him read them. Nice clean jokes can be up lifting but immoral jokes and humor are not of God and will morally sink him. You are trying to lift him up not bring him down further.

Opposite sex may attract but after that you such have some things in common that will help bond you two together.

Get involved in church.

I don't know if he is on thyroid medicine and has had his dosage lowered and has forgotten to take his medicine but that can bring about depression. Check into medical problems and by all means get sunlight and laughter and find things to do together that you both like.

Answer 4

That must make you feel really sad and lonely.
I would try to work on the problems a bit-- try to put some excitement and interest back into the marriage. Mostly, though, you need to work on yourself--
You need to become happy and emotionally self sufficient. This has dual benefits:
1) you will automatically become more attractive to him
2) you will be less hurt if he does not respond positively and better able to move on in your life
You didn't say what caused the rift in your marriage, nor if that issue is resolved. Until it is, there is little chance of improvement.
Another thing you may consider is that your husband may be suffering from actual clinical depression that has little to do with your marriage.
Bottom line, do whatever you can to make things work (in a fun and playful way, if possible) and if he refuses (or cannot) respond, be ready to move on. Some things are completely out of our control. Remember: there is only one person in the world who you can change and that is YOU.
Good luck

Answer 5

All you can do if you love him and want to stay with him is try and ride out this rutt. But it does take two to make it work and if your the only one that's going to care at all, then you don't have a relationship at all anyway.
One year is not a very long time to judge the future on but if you say he has been like this for a while and doesn't seem to be improving his outlook, I would say its time to make it clear that he needs to either do some thinking about what he feels would make it better or just tell him if this isn't something that he feels he wants then its best he move on and allow you the same.
Their is someone out there who will love you back and cherish your heart for being theirs to love.

Answer 6

Frist of all you knew this man was the way he was before you married him. And now your crying because the reality of his personally kick in. He sounds like his a hard man to live with? And as far as you trying to get him to love you more, you can't. You can't make a person love you.Whatever you do stay being you,something like this can make you lose yourself trying to please him. Are you the loving type? And if you are don't lose that,because he's not. Don't give up on yourself. And him telling you he don't know if he wants to work on his marriage, if I was you I would get a answer. How long are you going to wait?And as far as pushing for something that isn't there, your wasting your life. And he can go to bed with whatever happens, happens. Right now your husband don't care. And it don't mean your a bad person or ugly or not caring. The problem is in him, not you. Maybe you should give him space. Who knows you may not want to come back, and he will find out that he does love you and needs you. Remember you can't change a person or make a person love you. read ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives and ten stupid things couples do to mess up the relationships first you read that book then let him read it, by Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger

Answer 7

I'm sorry to say this but it does take two to try and make a marriage work, I dont know what might have caused this wall between the two of you but the mistake that the both of you did was just not try and keep the relationship special, whatever the wall was it seems was what you two were more focused on, and you lost each other, try and rekindle the relationship by doing thoughtful things, make special nights for the two of you, a special dinner, show him that you do care for him, if anything hes probably thought it up in his head so many times that you were going to leave him that he's built a barrier to keep from hurting if you were to, leave, so you need to climb over all of that. Once you know you have tried everything to try and make him happy (it doesn't happen overnight) thats when you can say alright, I tried, I gave it my all but I have to try and remember to keep myself happy too,thats when you stop and leave, and just wait awhile to recollect and move on. I hope that you and your husband do work things out, remember marriage isnt about bills, inlaws, etc. but the two of you, don't let things come between the two of you. Good luck.

Answer 8

It sounds as if your husband could be suffering from depression. Why not try to get him to his doctor for a checkup. I would even give the doctor a 'heads up' about his behavior if you think it might help. If he checks out OK, you can try third party counseling if he will go. If he won't go you may just have to realize that your marriage is not working and move on. What ever you do...DO NOT get pregnant, men only see that as a trap and you end up stuck in a terrible marriage or raising a child alone. Good luck

Answer 9

I am going through a similar situation. We have had our share of problems (some my fault, some his fault) and I really want to continue to work on this despite the failed attempts. The only reason this is not working is because I have not put my all and neither has he. But he is telling me that he doesn't know if he wants to continue since we have not been able to work things out prior. He is saying that even though he knows he hasn't tried. He is saying that even though he knows he has not been honest. It is hard to seperate from the one you love. But take it from me, you cannot make a person love you. That is something that must come from the heart. They should already love you on their own. I am not one to give advice because I am still trying to figure out what to do. But I have prayed (you should do the same) and I know the Lord will guide me in the right direction and he will guide you as well if you believe in him. Good luck!

Answer 10

It sounds like he is extremely passive agressive. Working on a marriage all by yourself is very hard. I think he tells you "whatever happens happens" is because he just truly doesn't find anything wrong. It sounds more like a test or game to me. If I were you I would just act the same way with him. See if changes his tune then. He married you for a reason. He cannot turn feelings off and on like that. He cares about you because if he didn't he would have left already. Don't try so hard.

Answer 11

I didn't follow this advice but I have seen it work for other women. ACT as if you don't care either. You don't have any kids so go out three times a week. Not on dates but just out shopping or to a movie alone or have a drink at a bar and flirt. He will wonder what you are up to and you won't appear so needy. Men fear needy because they realize that that can't meet that need. Have fun. Take a class or piano lessons. DON'T TELL HIM WHERE YOU ARE GOING. eventually, if he doesn't starighten up, you won't care. But he will.