What if Im just not attracted anymore?

Question

I just got married to the man that Ive been with for 3 years in August...But the thing is I just dont feel like having sex anymore..Its not that he turned unatractive or anything...I just stay at home with 2 kids...and when he gets home he barely lifts a finger to help with them..so when it comes time to do it..Im just to tierd..but I also dont feel like Im attracted to him sexually anymore....any advice?

Answer 1

If he cleaned up and helped you around the house and started taking you out on dates at least once a month (no children tagging along)... You would probably feel awesome.

His lack of making an effort is a problem and he needs to step it up. Often when a mother/woman works hard during the day and there's no help in sight, the effort to feel sexy or to think that her husband is a hunk (even when he truly is) is diminished because priorities are out of whack.

You need to communicate your feelings to your husband and turn that cycle of neglect and disinterest around with a quickness. It's too easy to slide down that hill of dissatisfaction and it's much to difficult to climb up that hill once you've reached the bottom. You should also start paying attention to "you" by dressing sexy and taking hot baths.... even if you're not in the mood to engaged in love making. Change your attitude by taking care of yourself on the outside and the inside.

Seek counseling if you must but please preserve your marriage. Start with having honest dialogue/conversation with your husband about what you've been feeling. Make sure you go out to dinner, the park or a setting away from your home (and without your children) when you discuss the issue at hand.

Start the conversation off with something positive about him, the marriage or something he's recently accomplished. Then speak about how you've been feeling lately. Don't start off by placing blame or sounding accusatory. Remember you catch more flies with honey that with vinager. Things will get better but the choice is up to you. Trust!

Answer 2

Take heart, you aren't the only couple going through this. This is a problem that needs to be solved. But you have to understand it before you can help solve it.

1) Your husband feels like he works more then you because you stay home. If he denies this, it's because he doesn't want to fight about it. Don't get mad, he just doesn't understand.

2) He feels like you are both doing your jobs, so whats the big deal?

3) If you come to him and complain and tell him what he is doing wrong, he will shut down and become defensive.


Ok, so the solution:

1) Talk to him. Approch him in a way that says, "Honey, I understand that we have an issue. I want to help us solve the issue, but it's going to take effort from both of us. Can we solve this together?"

2) Examine the issue together. Let him know you understand his fusteration, and you feel the same. "I know that I've been resistant in our sex life. I'm sure you feel fusterated, and I feel the same way."

3) Offer your solution. "I think we can make this work better for both of us if we can help each other out. I would be more into sex if I wasn't so tired and stressed at the end of the day. You could help me not feel that way by giving me 30 mins of 'me' time when you get home."

4) Agree on a plan. Sometimes you have to go through the motions to make something a habit. Thats ok. Make a plan and stick to it for a couple weeks.


One thing that my wife and I have done. We have "quickies" or just a BJ during the week, then we get into it more on the weekends, when things aren't so hectic.

Good luck!

Answer 3

wow you have gotten some good advice so far and here is mine sometimes all the talking in the world still won't make him help more. My husband works 14 hours a day and when he gets home the last thing he wants to do is more work. He has two days off a week so on those days he spends two hours alone with the kids and helps with cooking that is the only me time I get. The rest of the week I have to work really hard at keeping sex in our lives and I look at it as just another part of my "job" , one of my favorite parts but it is still a responsibility I take seriously. Do what ever it takes take advantage of the time the kids are playing by doing your own hobby instead of cleaning at bath time read a good sexy book while you watch them wear lingerie under your clothes just knowing your wearing something that will turn him on might turn you on. And keep in mind that you took on the responsibility to be a stay at home mom while he works outside of the home and he is probably working hard too.

Answer 4

Yea, it needs to be discussed. Obviously if you just tell him you need help or you'll be too tired for sex, he'll just see you using sex as a tool. There is a proper method of confrontation.

1. Confirm the relationship. Let him know you love him.
2. Discuss the issues. - You doing everything and wanting to be with im too, but you're too tired. If he helped . . .
3. Discuss how you could work on it together to resolve the issue.
4. Discuss how from now on the resolve mentioned in step 3 will take place from here on.
5. Reconfirm the relationship. Seal it with a kiss.

If the same thing keeps happening. Address it again using the same method, in a different way.

Answer 5

Hi,
Well I am a stay at home mom too. A stay at home mom, is the equivalent of 2 jobs.( even Dr.Phil says that) It is VERY important to express this to your husband. Tell him how you feel and you need help. Say," I understand completely you work all day. I do too. I work all day, all night, never have a vacation. I need your help. You can have yourself time when you get home, then help out. Give the kids a bath, watch them when I go for a walk." Something so small, will help so much. It isn't you are not attracted to him honey, you are tired! You are just exhausted, you feel unpretty because you have spit up on you, have to clean house etc. You can try wearing sexy panties( not saying they have to be a thong, lol, they can be lacy boy shorts and a pretty bra) You can put a little makeup on, for yourself. I do this and it makes me feel pretty and good about my self. You can take a nap when the kids do! Why not? It will help re energize you when wake up later. Take your kids for a walk. Exercise helps you look better and feel better about your self. Why not wake up early, and you can be intimate before he goes to work? You will feel full of energy then, and he will have to sacrifice sleep too. Go on dates. At least once a week, hire a sitter and have couple time. It is hard to feel sexy when your playing the mom role all the time.

Answer 6

start having some "me" time. you'd be surprised with something as simple as going to the gym 2 times a week for an hour can do to yourself. (they have babysitting at most gyms) or even a massage every other week. manicures, pedicures pick something. even reading a romance novel in the bathtub while the kids are playing video games for an hour. i'm not saying to do all of these things, these are just ideas to pick from. try switching babysitting duties with another parent. have sleepovers to entertain your kids. give another parent a night off and in turn you get one too. try eating more fruit as well. and don't feel you are being neglectful of your children. because if you think of it, one day your kids will leave the nest and your gonna be stuck with that guy sitting on the living room couch. marriage comes first.

Answer 7

You say you stay home with 2 kids. No wonder you are exhausted and 'not in the mood'. Talk to him about it, you need some "me' time. Time to yourself. Join a gym, get out of the hose a 2-3 afternoons/evenings a week. I think that will build up your ego and I think your sexual appetite might come back too!

Answer 8

Your problem is imbedded in your statement: it's not that you are too tired - you are resentful of the fact that your husband doesn't help you with the kids or the house. That is what you have to discuss with him, make a plan with him about - to figure this out and fix it, so you won't retaliate by not having sex anymore, or whatever other method you are using to "punish him". Think long and hard about this before continuing on this self-destructive path - you are only hurting yourself and your kids in the long run, and you are denying yourself a nice relationship with your husband.

Answer 9

What I think it is is that you are frustrated with your husband and thats what turns you off about him, talk to him about how you feel, usually what happens to couples with children in the picture is that they forget to stop and take care of their relationship, because yes there are always things in the way such as bills, children,inlaws, etc. Take time to talk to him about how he should help around the house even if its just entertaining the children while you are washing dishes, it would be a good time for him to send with the kids too. Try something new together, whether in or out of bed, you have to remember to spend time together that is only special for the two of you. Good luck

Answer 10

You have to fix everything else in your life in order to fix what is goin on in the bedroom. When he starts helping you around the house and demonstrating his love, then you will start to feel sexy, and be more sexually attracted to him. Taking care of you means so much more than making sure you get sex....it means emotionally taken care of too. He will find if he puts forth a little effort that you will be happier and you will in turn make him happier. Its what marriage is all about giving the other what they need to be make them happy.