We just got engaged 2 weeks ago. He is 36 and has a 17 yr old son and a 15 year old daughter that lives in another state. His ex wife moved his kids about 3 years ago and he hasnt gotten to see them all that much in last 3 years.
They came to stay with us for christmas which is the first time i have seen them interact for more than a few hours at a time. I dont know if this is normal behavior or not ( i never did this so thats why its so strange to me) First off, If she is within eye sight I become invisible. He ignores me, wont hold my hand or hug me, nothing because he is too busy holding her in the recliner like a baby, patting her on the butt and rocking her or he snuggles with her on the couch watching tv or he is hugging on her constanly. Its CONSTANT. Its almost sickening. He doesnt hardly acknowleldge his son either. I have tried to not say a word because I dont want to hurt his feelings.
What is it with this? Its seems like child worship to me.
2006-12-26 05:16:30 · 19 answers · asked by spoildrotn 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thanks for all the answers..Its so nice to hear other opinions and experiences...I am going to seek conseling to address this issue. I feel that he doesnt show me any attention because he doesnt want her to get jealous. I do not think it is incestual at all....I just think he sees her as a little girl still. He is over the top with the affection and most would think that is his girlfriend rather than his daughter but if i would try and point this out to him, i would immediately be the bad guy.
2006-12-26 07:42:51 · update #1
I don't know about 'child worship'... could be really sick... or maybe innocent, but stupid, behavior. Best case he is simply trying to make her feel secure and loved by dad--- but is certainly not very intelligent in how he does it. I would think on some levels it would be confusing to her to have that much physical affection. Also he is clearly unconcerned with how it makes you and his son feel for him to be so focused on her and so much ignoring the two of you.
I'd speak with him about it... and unless he has some really good reasons for what he is doing, or sees his mistakes, and changes, I'd very seriously rethink the relationship.
This is NOT normal behavior.... not to this degree.
On the other hand, look carefully into your reactions... is it possible you are seeing things wrong because you are feeling jealous? He might just be cooling things with you in front of her so she won't feel jealous.
Its a hard thing for him to manage the relationships and make everyone happy, I'm sure. Maybe he thinks (wrongly) that his son doesn't need as much attention--- and that you are a mature adult and can live for a brief while without feeling like the center of his life.
Try to understand this situation with intelligence rather than emotions. If it still seems weird to you, trust your instincts and get out of the relationship.
2006-12-26 05:35:03 · answer #1 · answered by Rani 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hummmm? Hopefully, it's not something else (ie incest). A 15 year old young lady... sitting on her father's lap not be mention being patted on the butt maybe a quite a bit "not right". No affection shown to the son... again, Hummmmm? Also an issue. Especially in the context of teenagers going through lots of changes during this time period.... majority wouldn't be caught dead sitting on their father's laps being patted on the butt.... can you say... HUGE ISSUE!!!
If you've got the "Red Flag" popping up in your head it's for a very good reason. Child worship is the least of what maybe wrong with this picture.
One could argue.. that he doesn't see her too often and so he's lavishing her with affection and attention, however, it's odd he wouldn't show affection and attention to his son. Do you know the reason for his divorce? Does his daughter seem uncomfortable by his CONSTANT attention. Just a few questions.
Why would he not want her to see you two holding hands or that he pays attention to you? Afterall you are his "soon to be wife'? Think serioulsy about this situation and then you might want to speak to a counselor/family therapist prior to making the big leap. If you're not willing to live with this behavior for the rest of your married life to this man... then you need to really really really address this immediately. It's not about hurting his feelings, but more about going with your conscience that there is definitely something "not quite right"
Don't ignore it.... those "red flag" warning signs are real.
2006-12-26 05:36:22 · answer #2 · answered by 247 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My most recent ex-gf accused me of something similar to what you are describing. My youngest daughter is 13 and has always been very affectionate with the hugging and snuggling on the couch watching TV.
I think patting on the butt is going a little bit too far.
My oldest daughter is 15 and she has a boyfriend. She just wants a hug and a peck on the cheek - then it's off to her room with the phone, usually.
I get to see my kids on weekends - initially it was 3 weekends out of 4 but with work commitments that's been cut down to 1-2 times per month. Naturally I want to spend time with them.
The ex-gf told me that she felt sickened by it, as if it was some sort of child sexual abuse or incest or something. I was completely dumbfounded because to me it is nothing of the sort.
I wouldn't go so far as to say my ex-gf became invisible. I would pay attention to whatever was going on. At the movies I was cuddling my daughter with my left arm and then I went to cuddle my (then) gf with my right and she backed off.
In her situation, I think she was either jealous or misinterpreting things and genuinely distressed.
*shrugs* I don't know - what you're describing sounds a little more enthusiastic than what I have experienced but I don't know if it child worship, an overactive Electra Complex or what.
2006-12-26 05:28:01 · answer #3 · answered by Orinoco 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I know some families are a bit more huggy and whatever than others but this seems a bit awkward. I see nothing wrong with his daughter on occassion stoping at her dads side and maybe set on his knee for a couple of seconds with a "hi dad how have ya been today" and immediately get up and leave----------(my sister used to do that with my dad). For him to show no emotions to the son is not right either-he could at least give him a pat on the back or a brush of the hair and ask how he is doing and what has been going on and then go about his business. I think it is time for you and your fiancee to have a very long thorough talk before this possibly ends up getting out of control.
2006-12-26 05:51:23 · answer #4 · answered by nickle 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I believe I would take a much closer look at what could be going on....this is NOT normal behavior. As soon as I began reading it red flags started waving. I wouldn't marry this man anytime soon until I knew for SURE what the deal is with his behavior. The last time I witnessed something like that...the man went to prison for incest. I would try talking to the man involved to let him know it bothers you, and both the children while he isn't around. Be very careful with the children though and do not ask leading questions. You may be surprised at what you discover.
2006-12-26 05:38:30 · answer #5 · answered by slick chik 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He probably feels guilty about not being around for her all the time. It does sound unhealthy if he excludes both his son and you. Maybe it will just be a matter of time before he feels comnfortable showing you affection in front of his kids. Perhaps you could draw his attention to the imbalance between the way he treats his son and daughter?
2006-12-26 05:22:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's a little strange, but maybe he thinks she feels a little neglected because he hasn't seen her so long. Does his son mind? Maybe something is going on in his daughter's life and her mother is not there for her. I think you should talk to him about it. Just ask him if everything is ok with her and if you only see them on the holidays, then it's not so bad. I hope everything works out! :)
2006-12-26 05:35:19 · answer #7 · answered by trix 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds extremely ODD to me. 15 is far too old to be rocked & patted on the butt by daddy. Maybe he is in a time warp and still sees her as a little girl since she does live far away. But whatever the reason it's still very very weird. Plus the fact that he ignores you is only going to create animosity towards the girl. Talk to him nicely , not accusingly.
2006-12-26 05:22:13 · answer #8 · answered by Candy C 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I felt the same at one time but realised that it's just love and something I never grew up with.My husbands daughter was like that for the first few months before she got to know me and bond.He on the otherhand was trying to give back time away from her and I confronted him when she became older and told him that it cool to hold her hand and stuff but sitting on the lap wasn't right as he is treating her like a baby.Thankfully,she grew out of it before push came to shove...
Goodluck...
2006-12-26 05:25:45 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
looks like she is heading down the pathway in the direction of a extreme jam addiction! The toast is in straightforward terms a motor vehicle for the jam, or a "gateway" in case you will. Boysenberry or any of the so-referred to as "mixed berries" are infamous offenders. Has she professed an unusual interest in canning or residing house preserves these days? different warning indicators comprise waking up early to get a bounce on breakfast, sticky residue on her palms and face, or an unusual volume of butter knives getting washed. (In all seriousness however, while you're being extreme, she's in all probability basically being stupid and "random". while i grew to become into that age i presumed 'mongoose' grew to become into the funniest ingredient I had ever heard in my existence and that i went around asserting 'spoon' like a moron for something like a 12 months and a 0.5)
2016-11-23 18:01:26 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋