Husband cheated on me, am I overreacting?

Question

Part 1 - We have been married for 2 1/2 years and we have had a lot of ups and downs. We argue a lot and cannot get along. I am too persistent and I pester my husband. If he tells me something I still have to break it down and analyze it. I can never take what he says for what it is. I ask him the same questions over and over to see if I will get a different response. I am not perfect and these are my flaws. He on the other hand is not honest. He lies about the simplest things. He is not upfront. He will tell you one thing and really mean another. He is manipulative and when he is wrong he will not admit it or apologize. If he does, which is rare, he has to be in a good mood or on good terms with me. If we get into an argument, his first move is to drive to his mother's house (1 hr away). Sometimes he will even spend the night there or at his friends who live in that area without calling to tell me. When he gets home he acts like he had a right to do that. See Part 2.

Part 2 - Let me tell you why I do what I do. He has a porn addiction and did not tell me that before we got married. I had been in the hospital for a week and when I got home (he worked nights at the time) I happened to be typing something in the address bar. I saw all kind of explicit website addresses. I went to them and sure enough it was porn. I called him at his job to ask him. He couldn't lie anymore. He admitted that he was looking. I was so hurt that he did not tell me before hand. So I tried to accept it, thinking it is normal. But I felt worthless like I wasn't good enough. I explained that to him, he said he would stop but he kept doing it and lying about it. He started to delete the internet history/cookies. One day I downloaded a porn tracking program. When I ran it, it revealed that he was still doing it. I confronted him time and time again. He got to the point to where he said he was not masturbating to it, just looking. I believed him. It was all a lie. See Part 3.

Part 3 - So time passed and he kept doing it. He would say he wasn't but he was. Then he stopped for 2 or 3 weeks and would start again. When I asked him why he said because of lack of sex. I did lose my sex drive due to all the stress in this marriage, but I would still try to do it just because. He didn't want me to do it if I didn't want to though. So we would do it once or twice a month. Then I couldn't do it at all because of his lying. I caught him in the act once. I had went to the store (he admitted that he would call me to see what time I'd get off work or if I was at the store he'd call to get a feel for how long I'd be gone). He didn't hear the door open I guess and he almost fell out the chair. His underwear was wet. I stored into the bedroom. Do you know he still tried to lie? After 10 mins. of me telling him I don't believe him he finally told the truth. But he was going to keep lying. I threatened to leave him and he said he will not be given an ultimatum. See Part 4.

Part 4 - So I tried to improve my bedroom skills and become more agressive. He told me that it was not my fault that he was looking at porn, but the lack of sex is making it no better. So to get to the point, a couple of weeks ago I found out he and an old classmate were chatting about me online. He said he was unhappy and married life sucks. She asked him if he had kids and he said unfortunately no but it was a long story. There was no personal talk between the two of them, just about this issue. I exploded and started to attack him. I told him it was over. He left. I called him back because people told me I was overreacting. We decided to make some changes and try again. But before I could do that I asked him if he had ever cheated on me. He said had sex no, but other stuff yes. I asked him what. He said one night when we got into an argument he went to his ex-girlfriends house and kissed her and ued a sex toy. He said he couldn't go all the way so he left. Do you believe him?

I don't know what to believe. Something tells me that he did not sleep with her like he said, but that's not the point. Once before we said we were going to get a divorce (about 4 months after we were married) and he called this same girl. He didn't go to her house but she had called him on his cell phone and he didn't answer. Then he told me it was her and that we I told him I wanted a divorce he called her. Well, he thought he had silenced the phone but she was on it listening to us argue. After I realized it and said something she started yelling saying I can't believe you called me because you and were wife were going to get back together. This girl is always at his disposal. But how can I trust that if something else happens he won't do this again. I don't know. I really love him and he is truly a good person. But he doesn't know how to deal with his issues other than running to his mother's or in this case (twice) to this female.

Answer 1

LEAVE HIM

Answer 2

Yeah LEAVE HIM. Husbands and wives should trust each other. You were unsophisticated but you changed for him, trying your best to forgive him. He continues lying and didn't appreciate your forgiveness. DUMP HIM. It's not like there isn't a thing like DIVORCE. For god's sake, it's only been two and a half years and he's cheating on you?!? I can't stand it. He's a loser, he's a jerk. People marry to be with the ones they love. And I don't even sense the love between him and you now. Okay, maybe deep in your heart you still love him, but he doesn't. He obviously doesn't. It's not too late to break up. IF YOUR HUSBAND CHEATED ON YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN, HE ISN'T FIT TO BE YOUR HUSBAND! Leave him. I know it may be hard, but it's for your own good. He doesn't even care. Choosing a husband is a lifetime decision. Though you made the wrong choice, there's still a return path. That jerk is not the only man on Earth. With courage you can leave him. Good luck

Answer 3

no you have the right to feel that way and I'm begging to think that hes doing it on purpose that way he can slide away do whatever he wants come back and make it seem like its your fault when he knew what he was doin The whole time. that's really lame next time tell him hes an adult there's no reason for him to run away from his problem tell him to grow up and to stop cheating on you. if he gets madd about the subject and gets angry he has something to hide if not then he just blowing off steam but I'm pretty sure hes up to something and he's using being madd at you as an excuse. so next time call his friend/mothers house and go over there for him and tell him come out side. if he calms to be there tell he should be able to come out side and so you can handle the situation like adults but if he cant or doesn't come to the phone you should know something is up! get the the bottom of this! catch him !

Answer 4

Let's have an optimistic view of all this. In the first place, if you married him this means that there was a time when things were great between you two. Try to focus on these good times first. Then talk to your husband about that and if both of you agree to make an effort, then try to start over again. If that does not work and you can't forgive your husband for having cheated on you, teach him a good lesson, get back at him and who knows...this might bring him back to you, begging you to forgive him for all the wrong he did

Answer 5

Same thing only insert the word fiance'. Lies and denials, into porn, kept in touch with a one year sex fling (his words not mine) before we were together. In a relationship for 5 1/2 years, he lost interest in sex, the last 2 years he became verbally abusive, rude, inconsiderate, and quit spending as much time with me or my son. After a lot of lies and betrayals I finally ended it. He is now with his "sex fling" girl and kept calling me and saying they were just friends all the while sneaking around and sleeping with her. I told him to take his "friend" home, and they should go ahead move on together. Within 3 days of that call they were living together. I had already moved on, it took me 2 years to get strong and figure out what I needed and deserved from a relationship. You need to save your dignity, and take a cue from "The Wreckers", Leave the Pieces When You Go. Move on, you deserve soooooooo much better!!!!

Answer 6

So are you happy with this situation? And how do you see your relationship 6 months down the road?
You have a valid right to be hurt, concerned, and angry. And if he's too selfish to know this, why waste your time?
When in-laws and friends start to put a wedge in the relationship and the spouse is not open to counseling, then maybe you need to assess this relationship and if it's worth the pain and misery that you're feeling.
Been there, done that. Ending a marriage is painful but staying in an emotionally abusive one is more damaging.

Answer 7

complicated to respond to your question. You disregarded information approximately your a while, how long you have been married, etc. He ought to be dealing with a piece of being caught in independent equipment. The greater you rigidity him approximately intercourse the greater irritable he is going to get and much less you will 'get'. he's no longer cheating in simple terms given which you heard somebody guffawing in the historic past. Occasional intercourse for 18 months is a extreme issue, assuming you had intercourse greater usually before that. advise a scientific examine-up and communicate your sexual desires with him. he will resolve the issue if he cares for you or you could ought to pursue different drastic avenues.

Answer 8

well i couldnt get to part 2 dont know how to, but i know your pain almost to the exact, and im here to tell you what i was told, You have to love yourself and know yourself before you will find your true mate, not saying that your husband isnt, but as hard as this maybe to hear it doesnt sound like he is working with you, and if someone is that distant from you maybe its because they arent right for you. Only God knows what is right for you us people on here cant tell you what to do, but if you pray about it, and have faith that God will lead you, if you trust him, he will give you what you desire, what it is that he meant for you to have in a husband, he may work with the one you already have, but first you must find you own peace, you need to make you happy, your husband cannot do that for you, he cannot give you peace, he can only comfort you so much, he can only do what humans do, So trust God for the big stuff, if you dont people will always let you down. I dont know you, but i pray that God reveal to you what your next step is, and do yourself a favor, be nice to you, love you and dont blame yourself for your husbands cheating, and thats what hes doing you can bank on it, people cheat by choice, they chose to be unfaithful theres nothing you can do but keep yourself safe and happy, im not telling you to leave or stay, but some things just dont change, and its kinda sad that your commitment is so fresh and so easily broken, i wonder how well you knew him before you married him, most times you can tell before you get married if they will be unfaithful. I hope you find some comfort in this answer, as i said i know your story all to well.

Answer 9

Men look at porn...how is it cheating really. It's a hell of alot better than strip clubs. He's pleasuring himself....another woman isn't.

Sounds like you and him just arn't ment to be. Him lying is immature but understandable due to how you treat some situations that are quite normal.

I hope you find a way to get past it or be happier without him. Goodluck.

Answer 10

You're not overreacting at all! This man is obviously driving you insane. His dishonesty is ruining the marriage and he's apparently not trying his part to make it truly work. He also seems like he might resent you for things that are his fault. With a person like that, how can a marriage improve?!

Answer 11

it sounds like your very upset about the porn so when did he cheat on you? you don't mention anything about that so it sounds like that doesn;t even bother you. well i think it's better off you guys just end it obviously you both are unhappy.next time really get to know the person your with befor making a commitment.