did i make a bad decision,or am i over reacting?

Question

i just became engaged after 5 yrs to my bf but i'm having doubts.he was married and had a son(sam) to a very controling wife thats the reason he divorced her 6yrs ago.she is very bitter over this and makes my life hell and its gotten worse since we got engaged.she calls,emails almost everyday,every little thing regarding sam requires lenghy phone calls which then leads into things related not about thier son.example on a romantic vac. she called to tell my bf sam had a cold,we were only gone 3 days and she called 4 times.she also told my bf she does not want me to go with him to sams school functions as i'm not his mother,she said he has to go with her.my bf said he will not say anything to her as he wants to take the high road with her for his sons sake and agrees with everything she does and wants.i think hes just afraid of her and knows i will make less of a stink than she will.how why does he allow her to control our lifes?am i wrong to feel this way?

Answer 1

That woman is going way overboard. If I were you I would make it a point to get things settled with her before you get married.

Unfortunately, with marrying this man, you are taking on a son and an ex-wife who will always be in the picture.

Talk with him and maybe even a counselor about how to deal with this. He probably doesn't need to tell you every detail of every conversation with her, it only makes it worse for you. You should not read those emails either. With her you should keep your interactions to smiling and nodding - don't let her know she bothers you and stand by your man.

And he needs to set clearer boundaries with his ex-wife. Make it clear what an emergency is and when she needs to call - he may need to talk with his divorce lawyer or the courts about making this boundaries clear because it sounds like she is harassing your family more than just being a mom.

Be careful and don't get married until you feel comfortable in your position FOR LIFE!

Answer 2

Here's the deal and I know you won't want to hear it, but this is t-r-o-u-b-l-e. If it's taken 5 years to propose and he still has these other problems with her, your boyfriend's ex is still in control of his life. He may not be married, but she's still calling the shots with him - not you, and that is not the kind of marriage you want to be in. Face it, you come in far third place with him after his ex and his son. I understand the dilemma you face, because my friend faced it too, you can't let this relationship end because you've invested the last 5 years on it and you can't bear the thought that it's all been a waste. But trust me on this, you DID learn something - you learned what you don't want in a relationship - and that education IS worth 5 years of your life. Besides, it's much better than getting married and then 2 years later deciding you can't hack it, and now it's 7 years gone. YOU DESERVE BETTER. I know it's difficult with Sam in the picture - but you can sit him down - if he's old enough - and explain that you and his dad just have problems that can't be solved, and that you care about him, and it's not his fault. Let him know that you do care about him, and you can always be friends. Give him a way to get in touch with you in case he want's to talk to you, preferably by working out an agreement with his dad first. Try to leave it friendly with your boyfriend, but resist the temptation to tell him you're leaving open the possibility of a reunion. His inabilty to cut the apron strings with his ex is a terminal disease - it can't be fixed. I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE. I feel for the guy, I really do, but as I said you need a life - a real one where you can be happy too.

Answer 3

Girlfriend I am so sorry for you but it will not get better but worse, you will always have to deal with the mother of Sam until 18 but you knew that if you have been with him for 5 years. This is nothing new to you. The problem is that you have just finally gotten tired of it. He is not actually afraid of her, he just will do what ever is needed to avoid confrontation with her, he does not want to fight that's why he is divorced. She made him miserable so now you need to take control and cut the conversations short get to the point and leave it at that. What is Sam' schedule, where what time etc. You allow her to take your time and she will. You nip it in the bud and she will not monopolize your time because you won't allow it. Don't take Sam to the functions but remember when you have a child with your new hubby, wife number 1 will be on the back burner and she knows it. So tough it out and stand up for yourself.

Answer 4

Your boyfriend/finance is afraid. Of what you ask? The fact that she is using their son as a pawn to keep drawing him back. Even if your boyfirend were to stand up to her and she decided to make it hard for him to see Sam. It would probably take weeks depending on the court system for things like court ordered vistations to be worked out. In the meantime your boyfriend may also fear how it would look to his son if he took his mommy to court. Right now he is on shaky ground, I'm certain he has told you that his son comes first and that she is the mother of his child. He may have left her, but he sounds to be very much involved with his son, which is a very good thing. Unforntunatly for you the ex-wife is very controlling and enjoying it. As a couple of 5 years you have earned a right to be by your boyfirend side at events involving the child. Now if there is a birthday party that the mother decides not to invite you to, then fine then Sam will be the lucky one and have two birthday parties one given by mom and one given by you and his dad. There are solutions to many stumbling blocks in life, this one however will take time, and you and your finance working really hard together. If he cares for you fine, he needs to include you more and more to do things with his son and tell his ex that he intends to include more and more. Do not pull him in two directions your direction and his son's, because it just will not work. Let's hope that the ex gets a boyfriend in her life soon enough so she can focus on her love life and leave yours alone. Just clarify to your finance that you want to make everyone including yourself happy.

Best of Luck.

Answer 5

I don't think you should feel this way. You should tell the wife at the moment who IS the wife of your husband, not who is the mother of the son. For she is not the wife any longer, she does not have the right to call YOUR husband regarding every little thing. YOU are the wife or wife-to-be now, and I'm not saying that you should start taking control or anything, but tell the wife that she is no longer the wife, therefore, she could not act as though everytime she needs something, YOUR husband will be right there to help her. If there are anymore romantic vacations in the future, directly ask her to not bother you or your husband. Your boyfriend might be afraid of her, and he might not. ASK HIM. Ask him directly and talk to his ex-wife. That'll get things cleared up.

Answer 6

She's a nasty, bitter, B**ch.

Who has custody of Sam? If your bf does, then get a restraining order against the mother. If she has custody, there is little to nothing you can do, unless you want to seek a restraining order against her, with all the possible consequences to the child.

Your bf needs to grow some balls and stand up for you. He's doing nothing good for his son... allowing an obviously deranged woman to affect his sons life is unacceptable... and very unhealthy for Sam.

Marry the guy - become Sam's step mother, and petition for full custody - get that freak of a woman out of the child's life... he deserves better, as do you, and your bf.

Otherwise you pretty much have to accept her behavior... and do your best to ignore her.

Just my .01

-dh

Answer 7

It makes perect sense for you to feel that way.Although your boyfriend is right.He must keeep his ex happy for the sake of their son. I know this sounds a bit cold but....that child is more important than you or any other person in your bf's life.His first priority should be to the child.That may mean to put up with the mother's tactics to make your life difficult.My advice.....suck it up and try to be civil with the childs mother....if you get to know her on a friendly level....she may back off and not bug your bf as much.Or you can just get out why you can....there's nothing wrong with being a little selfish and want a boyfriend that you do not have to share with anyone else....that is if he is with no previous bagage.Good Luck

Answer 8

No!!! I have experienced a similar issue with my niece, Her parents have not been together for close to 8 years, yet this stuff still persists. It sounds as though the mom is using the son as a way to stay connected to you and your future husband, which is being done in a way that is not fair to anyone, including Sam.

We went along with the mom for a long time out of fear of not seeing my niece. We found out that we do not need to deal with abuse to see our little one, but this was very hard for my brother. He feels he needs to keep the peace for his daugther's sake, but when he became engaged it absolutely had to stop. It is always a struggle, but we try not to talk him out of it or complain about the mother of his child, but the second he expresses frustration or doubt we listen and talk about what is best for his relationship with his daughter. Then we agree that the mom is going too far and he is now learning to put a stop to the torture.

With your friends (especially your very close ones), maybe talk to them about the damage this is causing to your new life with your future husband and ask them let the ex know politely they don't want to discuss this because they feel it isn't positive.

The good news is my niece is wonderful and loving to all people inspite of her exposure to strife. We let her know we ALL love her so much that we All (mom included) just want her to be happy.

The bad news is we had to file charges against the mom to make it stop. Once it became that serious we all have a civil relationship.

Remember, you do not have an obligation to the ex. You don't have to interact with her drama. Just keep focused on your relationship and focus on strengths when you talk about the Mom with Sam, but put your foot down. This is your future and you do not sound as happy as you should be. You have every right to feel frustrated, confused and even mad as hell. Express your anger to your friend, to strangers, however, but try not to lose it with the Mom. I made that mistake myself, and it added to the nightmare.

Best Wishes!

Answer 9

You are not wrong.

BUT (a big BUT)!! Have you ever thought about the poor SAM. He does not belong to EITHER of you, does he??? How he feels about all of this. If you are over-reacting, what he will do?? Probably he will go beyond the boundaries. And being a kid his boundaries, unlike you and me, are unlimited.

Think about that. React to this first. AND I belive you will find a way for your earlier (over) reaction.

You are yourself. So be yourself. Asking such things from outsiders who do not know a bit about your life CANNOT counsel you; yeah; they might #PRETEND#. Its your life. Make it beautiful & extraordinary. Just close your eyes, think for a while (not about you. Be a zero, be an outsider)..

Answer 10

Tough to say... I would say that you need to tell your bf to tell Sam's mother to back off, but then, I understand his reasoning of wanting to stay on good terms with her for sam's sake. You have 3 choices. One, you can decide that this marriage won't work out. Two, you could explain to your bf that it can't work out unless he can do something about her. Or three, you could go ahead with the marriage and have to put up with her. Maybe the three of you could seek some counseling to help work things out???