did i make a bad decision,or am i over reacting?

Question

i just became engaged after 5 yrs to my bf but i'm having doubts.he was married and had a son(sam) to a very controling wife thats the reason he divorced her 6yrs ago.she is very bitter over this and makes my life hell and its gotten worse since we got engaged.she calls,emails almost everyday,every little thing regarding sam requires lenghy phone calls which then leads into things related not about thier son.example on a romantic vac. she called to tell my bf sam had a cold,we were only gone 3 days and she called 4 times.she also told my bf she does not want me to go with him to sams school functions as i'm not his mother,she said he has to go with her.my bf said he will not say anything to her as he wants to take the high road with her for his sons sake and agrees with everything she does and wants.i think hes just afraid of her and knows i will make less of a stink than she will.how why does he allow her to control our lifes?am i wrong to feel this way?

Answer 1

The ex-wife is controlling your BF's life and only he can stop it. It has been six years ! Get caller id, do not read her emails. When the conversation ends about Sam, politely tell her good bye. Only your BF can make these changes, you will be considered a butt-in-ski or worse if you attempt to make changes. I would consider counseling for yourself and for your BF if he ever wants a life.
Good luck ...

Answer 2

He fears that his ex-wife will somehow will pull his child away from him so that is the reason he bows down to whatever she wants. I can understand why you would be upset also. If you are to marry this guy then you are family and should be treated as so. It sounds as if your feelings are being put aside for the ex-wife. Honeslty he fears losing his child.

I am a single mom and I have no problem with my ex-husband being with someone and involving my child also. I like to meet the girls he gets involved with and if they want to go to a school function there is no problem there as long as they understand that I will be attending also.

If the ex-wife would grow up a little she should come to the conclusion that it's ok if other women are involved in the childs life. This doesn't mean the child has to call you mom.

I suspect this will always be like this because he doesn't stand up for himself or for you.

If you truely love this man and can put up with all this then marry him. If you don't want to handle all of this then tell him how it is or your not going to marry him. Keep in mind you may lose him.

Answer 3

It sounds like he is just trying to avoid a conflict and she needs to get over it. Just because she had his child doesn't mean she owns him and after all, they are no longer married. He needs to stand up to her and put her in her place. If he doesn't do it before long, he never will and it will end up coming between you two. He could make things a lot easier and just take her to court and take the boy away from her. Then she wouldn't have as many reasons to be calling all the time. A boy should be raised by the father anyway. Either that or don't marry him and save yourself a lot of heartache.

Answer 4

Please "Doubt" your way right "OUT" this relationship. This is not fair to you and this man will not speak up and be assertive. He gives a noble reason for not doing so but if you are going to be apart of this you at least need him to have some backbone. Do not marry him because they're a packaged deal, he's made that clear. Why marry a man who allows another woman control of his life so she can get the chance to fully control your life. You will be miserable and you can do better.

Answer 5

Not wrong in anyway in my opinion. My soon to be husbands (in 5 days) ex-wife is the same way. Basically she manipulates him to make it look like she isn't really doing anything. Every phone call is SO lengthy and always turns into something other than their son. I hate this woman with a passion. If my fiance' crossed her or stands up to her she takes his visiting privleges away or threatens to. I have made it very clear to my fiance' that him being 'so involved' with her really bothers me and he limits everything and does stand up to her now because I have spoken up. Luckly she isn't taking his son away anymore, just being a pure witch! I understand his side too though because I have a daughter with someone else. Your fiance' really need to find a median though because YOU are supposed to be the ONLY woman in his life and by him being submissive to his ex, you aren't. If he loves you he will stand up to his ex if you tell him how you feel. GL

Answer 6

No, I don't think you are wrong. Just because your bf wants to take the "high road" doesn't mean he should allow her to interfere with your and his relationship/time together. You and he should sit down together so you can voice your thoughts. She shouldn't be bothering him with every little thing regarding their son. Of course he wants to be a good dad, but she is making your life difficult and that needs to stop. Your boyfriend should step up to the plate and tell her to back off concerning little things she can solve herself.

Answer 7

You are not wrong. It's clear he's afraid of her and the only real advise i can give is to get some couples therapy for this. I wouldn't marry that guy until this problem is resolved either. It's only going to get worse.

Answer 8

do not allow her to talk directly to ur man...all info should be passes through u... if that is impossible...sit next tp him the whole conversation and ask him not to talk to her unless u r there...let her know that u r there...if they feel u r listening they will both be uncomfortable and will not talk more than necessary.