Honest Opinion re. family holiday practice?

Question

I am sorry this is long but really want some honest opinions. My hubby's family has a holiday tradition that just gripes me. The family "consists" of 4 siblings & their kids/grandkids. For Christmas, EVERYONE buys for the siblings. They buy for each other, the grandkids & the kids buy for ALL of them. The "kids" (approx ages 20-40) are left out. We are expected to get gifts for all the siblings & all the young kids & get nothing in return. I KNOW the holiday is not about what you get but it gets expensive to buy gifts for the four siblings & their dozen grandchildren-knowing that the gesture is not returned.
I have talked to my husband about trying to start the same tradition as my family. We buy for the grandkids (about 6 of them) & ALL the adults play dirty Santa ($25 limit).
We spend about 75% less $ on my family party than we do on his. We DO take food to each party (not taking this expense in account).
Should we suggest a change of this practice or just be silent???

Oh, my husband & I agree that a change is in order & he has talked to 2 other "kids" who agree.

To massage in fresno-we decided on a $25 limit b/c some gifts were getting pretty elaborate & we followed my grandmother's suggestion.
To whozethere-it is easy to remember who is left out-my hubby & his cousins. The cousin's parents & kids are included. ;)

Finally, to Lau, I agree that it is not about the gifts. I do appreciate that my kids get gifts & happily buy them for the other kids there. BUT, do not think I should have to purchase things for my hubby's aunts & uncles when they do not extend the same courtesy to us. In addition, the leftover food is divided among the aunts & uncles to take home to their houses despite the fact that WE take things as well. This year, we took crackers & homemade dip, homemade cookies and homemade candy. (The "homemade" part takes time that is why I mentioned it). We did not even bring home the leftovers from our own dishes!

Answer 1

I do think changing your husband's family traditions would be night impossible. Apparently they have more money than I have heard of!
Plain and simple. I would say that I refuse to participate in one-sided gift giving and let them bugger off.
Honestly, only in more well-to-do families is it expected that one buy for *all* sibling's offspring, especially when they are grown. It, as you point out, is very expensive. Also, since it is one-sided, there is no real joy, at least it would not be for me.
From the single person's perspective--I have not expected gifts from my mother's brother, nor my dad's many brothers and sisters. It simply was not done. The fact that aunties and uncles cared year round was far more important.
Since my parents died, my bother and sister-in-law have held it together in the sense they always buy for me, as well as their children. I still have a stocking hung and filled. Father Christmas remembers me. Nice for a uni student, I might add.
I usually buy small things for their children, and they For all of us it depends on the year, and what can be afforded.
It is simply understood that each year we will decide how much each has to spend and thus understood. If it is a fiver year, okay, a tenner, etc.
Having a set tradition and expectations, to a point is okay, but as you know when those expectations become horridly rigid, it is a burden.
I am simply happy to be remembered under the circumstances.
So I don't know what your husband's family really is playing at. Your family's way seems much more sensible. I can think of no alternative than to simply "not play the game" with them. Surely show up, and enjoy, but explain the limits to which you are willing to play. That may indeed help you find out what they are really about.
I hate to say it, but I think your husband's family might want to concentrate more on each other, the food and company than buying loads of things for people who are apparently more prattish and spoiled.
A last thought: When people do include me on their gift list, I certainly include them on mine, even in a small, token way.
I don't know if my semi-rant has given any ideas, but I do wish you and your husband well. You are certainly generous, if not in the comfort, at least in the spirit.
Charles "That Cheeky Lad--growing up slowly like everyone else."

Answer 2

Difficult social situation. I'm not sure to encourage you to speak out, without knowing the dynamics involved. However, My family has a similiar system to yours. I'm an adult grandkid in this scenario. Everyone buys something for eacho f the grandkids under 18. After that, we all have the option of getting in on a 20$ dirty Santa with eachother. We also, each year, have everyone contribute 10 dollars to the host, who goes out and gets the coolest door gifts they can find for everyone. We also all bring food, and someone besides the host always funds the christmas arts and crafts activity, which keeps the little kids busy, and has given me lots of happy Christmas memories.

I know how difficult it can be to be a factor for change in a large family. Just remember to pick your battles, and make sure you know exactly how much the costs and benefits are really worth to you, emotionally, before you proceed. Definitely best to do before everyone gets christmas out of their heads if your'e going to do it. Don't do anything unless you and your husband are uited in purpose and plan.

Hope all goes well. :)

Answer 3

Your long question deserves a long answer, here goes my opinion:
Christmas is a lot of things,
for example, family get together, eating, presents, etc..
presents should be only for the kids that still believe in Santa.....or at least under 18.
I think its a "commercial" tradition to give presents among adults....thats not what Christmas is about.........
kids are looking forward to their presents but we as adults would be looking forward to something more spiritual and meaningfull.......

I am 34 and I would be OK without presents, but I would like my baby daughter to receive them....
I dont know what your game of dirty santa is.....
but do include something
"deeper" than presents and a game of dirty santa in your christmas schedule........it should be something that would make you happier than receiving a gift you probably dont need/wont like anyways

Answer 4

I totally agree and actually our family decided to do the Gift Exchange thingy next year at Thanksgiving cause it was unfair to people like me that have to buy about 20 gifts (no children) and I get like three back. (excluding my immediate family). Let's be realistic here. We know what Christmas is NOT supposed to be about but I think we all agree that receiving gifts is just as fun as giving them. Their has to be a happy medium. These parents with all these kids should realize that. They don't though. So yeha I agree with you and I hope you get to chane what they are doing. $25.00 seem's a little cheap though. I would leave out the money part. Their shoul be some element of surprise. ;-)

Answer 5

I think it would be confusing knowing who is left out and who is not . . . I think I would prefer to buy a big expensive gift for a single person than to purchase multiple gifts.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

That's nuts. My ex-wife had nine siblings, they had about seven kids. No way we could afford anything like that. So that family drew names, one gift for one name that was drawn, dollar limit was $10.

Answer 8

It's hard to buck tradition, even when it's obviously unfair. Let your husband champion this change so you don't look like the rebel rouser to his family.

Answer 9

That sounds unfair to me. It also must be extremely expensive!

Change is good :) I say, go for it!

Merry Christmas!

Answer 10

Juyst eating like pigs at home, thats good enough.