Put the kids first?

Question

My fiance is great. She loves me and my two boys. She always wants to put them first. With that said, here is my situation: She lives outside of the US and is spending the holidays with her family since we will be married and she will be moving here in February. I want to be with her for the new year, but everyone in my family says "put the kids first" "stay home with them" "she will understand" and so on. She honestly says the same, but I wonder in the back of her mind if it bothers her. I know we will be together soon, but how do you balance a relationship when you have kids. It is really tough to be apart like this over the holidays, but I do want to be with my boys as well and enjoy the last few weeks that we will have for just the three of us. Sometimes, I really wish there were two of me!!! I had thought of bringing them there, but they just want to spend some time at home with their friends and so on.....

Answer 1

If she is going to be with you in February, then take the time now to spend with your children. You can have another "holiday" when she comes to be with you. You have the rest of your life to be together and have more holidays. Let her spend time with her family, you spend time with yours, and just delay gratification for just a little while. A few months isnt too much to ask. And you cant worry about what might be in the back of her mind...you have to base your decisions and responses on what she says. Put her first, make her happy, and she will in turn make you happy and your children too. That may not be a popular response, but I know from my marriage, that as long as my husband is happy, I am happy and so are the children.

Answer 2

If they would rather spend it at home and this is truly how she feels, then I would put it to rest...if you two had web-cams then you could be together through the Internet and that would at least be something. I totally understand putting the kids first. I have two from a previous marriage and one foster child and they come first before anyone...family included! Now, I am married and sometimes you have to put them aside now and again and that will come with time...it's not every situation that they must come first. You didn't state how old they are, but if they are wanting to spend it with friends then I would guess that they are not "young" and have "lives" of their own. If you really have it in your heart to spend the new year together...then maybe make a surprise visit there on New Years Day...that way you can have the time with your children and celebrate the new year with your fiance! Congrats on the wedding!

Answer 3

Trying to balance a relationship when you have kids can be hard. Just remember, you still need to have an adult life outside of your kids. Although, holidays are often a tough decision, I would say for the holiday stay with your kids, they are going to have someone moving in to there lives and this will be your last holiday alone with them, maybe you could go see her after the holiday. Relationships are all about compromise. It sounds like she is trying to spend this holiday with her family so, spend it with yours.

Answer 4

How old are they? You just said they want to stay home and spend time with their friends. Why don't you ask THEM what they want to do? Parents should talk and LISTEN to what kids have to say these days. You got everyone else's opinion, which really doesn't matter, now have a heart to heart with the boys. And Happy New Year, 'dad,' it's refreshing to see a caring parent.

Answer 5

I understand how hard it is to juggle kids and a fiance'. Truth is, the kids should come first and it's is really easy in your case because your fiance' thinks so too. And even if she is just saying it, if she ends up getting upset...she can only get upset with herself because she basically agreed with you. The logical thing to do would be take the kids with you to her, but if they don't want to go then don't force them. You could always sit them down and say that you would like to go and they can go with you if they'd like but if they don't want to go then they can stay with a friend while you go. Give them a choice in the matter but still let them know you really want to go either way. Kids are important but you need time too.

Answer 6

women say what they mean unlike men so if she says its okay to be with your boys then its okay with her it will even be a turn on because that shows you're a good father, which is something that seriously turns women on after all how can they respect a man that doesn't take care of his own kids how much more so will he neglect her. and only you can learn how to balance balance both of your relationships but the best way to learn is to listen to your kids and fiance they will let you know when they want to be with only you and when they all want it at the same time you have to decide who should receive your attention remember there is a time for everything and everyone but only you can look at your situations and decipher what times are right for who

Answer 7

You can't put the kids first. If you want a relationship to last and be forever, you have to put your girlfriend first. She must feel that she is the most important thing in your life. She is going to tell you to think of the kids first because she is not a selfish woman and she feels it's the right thing to do. But, you have to go with your heart on this one. The kids are important but, they will grow up and leave you one day for a life of their own. But your fiance will be your wife and share her life with you until death do you part. Therefore she has to be the most important person in your life. Don't listen to family. Don't listen to anyone. Follow your heart. If you and her are happy, the kids will be happy too.

Answer 8

she will be here in February and after you are married you will have many more New Year's to spend together. Stay with the kids and spend time with them. there is no difficult answer here....its very simple.

Answer 9

I think in part it depend on the age of your children at first. If they are teens they may have had enough of Christmas with you over the years and may be happy just hanging with their friends (with adult supervision of course). If they are elementary age children I would say be with them and your fiancee can wait. You can only raise your children once and when they are young it is important that they know you will be there for them. In the coming year you will be with her and your children once you get married so I think she truly should understand and does.

Answer 10

ask your boys if it'll be okay with them if you go away for new years [since you did say that they just wanted to stay home and be with their friends]. or better yet, why can't she come over for the new year?