What should I do? I messed up how do I correct it? I feel like my life is over!!!!?

Question

I cheated on my husband of 13 years, I thought I didn't love him anymore,we are going through all the steps of getting divorced,I have now realized this new man in my life is not what I want my husband is my soulmate I miss him all the time,I can't get this new guy to leave me alone, he calls all the time shows up at my door uninvited, he loves me but I can't love him I am in love with my husband.I told my husband he could move back home, he said he wasn't doing that again,I can't say I blame him. I am heartbroken to no end I miss my old life we got married at 16 and were very happy until we just quit spending time together like we had before.I know he still loves me and I know he still loves me.It seems like we are always trying to hurt each other but like he said we try to hurt each other all the time because we still love each other.He came over for Christmas and I went to take him a cover he was sleeping on the couch and he grabbed me and said you are what I want. It broke my heart

I forgot to mention my husband has also slept w/someone else. We have 2 wonderful kids together they miss their dad also. I am not sure if he loves this girl he has been with or not I don't think so considering he tried to have sex with me. I love him and I miss our life. We always told each other that we would make it to the 50 year club together I just hope we still can.

Answer 1

I'm not sure there is a good answer. It is very likely you don't really seek one. But, I'll give it a shot. You say you want to get your husband back, and that you were wrong to cheat. OK. But, then you also say that you can't get rid of the new guy. Are we to take that seriously???? You CAN'T figure out a way to get rid of the new guy? No idea? OK. To get rid of the new guy- have nothing to do with him. NOTHING. No quickies, no dinners, no evening together watching TV. Have NO more contact with the guy. He probably won't like it. But, he WILL leave you alone, if he has to leave you alone. Heck, you CAN get a restraining order if he fails to take the hint. Now, AFTER you quit screwing other guys, you MIGHT have more luck convincing your husband that you are serious about trying to repair your marriage. It's tough to take a person seriously when they talk about repairing their marriage, while sleeping with other people.

Answer 2

I've been in the same situation and if you really want the guy to leave you alone, tell him that you and your husband are working things out and that you want your marriage to work and that you can't see him anymore. If your husband knows about the other man tell him that he won't leave you alone and get him to tell him. That will get your husband's protectiveness over you into action and he will probably at that point want to be there to make sure that the guy really leaves you alone. And if he doesn't know about the other man, now might be a great time to tell him..he will get jealous and his protectiveness over you will kick in because you would say "I was vulnerable, I made a mistake, I felt like my life was coming to an end because I lost you, it was a one time thing, I don't want this guy and he wont leave me alone." He told you you are what he wants. This relationship is far from over...just stop the divorce and tell him you still love him and want to be with him.

Answer 3

Do find a qualified marriage counselor immediately. If he's willing to go... then great, but even if he's not you should definitely seek counseling.

You both need time to heal and grow. Learn from your mistakes and move forward with an understanding of what it takes to truly sustain a marriage. Sounds like there was definitely a breakdown in communication and you both started taking one another for granted.

One more thing....

Fact is ....people who love each other.... don't try to hurt the other person. That's a huge lie and it's destructive mentally and physically. People who love one another try to affirm one another, build each other up, put the other persons feelings above their own.

If both people consider doing those things in their marriage.... then a beautiful, blessed relationship is what you'll have, regardless of what obstacles or circumstances come your way.

Answer 4

Feelings are for some, hard to face. Obviously you two have been hurt to a point that you feel an extreme need to protect yourselves and it seems as though it has become a habitual behaviour. Counseling and a conscous effort to "not" cover your heart when you relate to one another is probably beneficial. If you both agree to couples counseling then that will be a sign that there is hope for you and your husband to get back together. If he doesn't agree then you may have to have counseling for just yourself in order to get yourself back on track. There is nothing wrong with that and is probably better-seeing that you are the one that had the affair. Find out why you took this path rather than trying an alternate -such as marriage counseling. I realize that no one actually knows all of what has gone in your marriage to take you to that action but it is always best for your honor to be the one who is blameless. That way you spend less time with regret. Your husband appears that he may be taking advantage of your guilt by staying in your life and in a small way...tempting or even torturing you with the bond that you two have. Even though he WAS hurt, the benefits that come along with someone's genuine guilt and their desire to pay recompense can for them be quite satisfying in a way. All this will keep YOUR heart in the emotional cycle of feeling as though you can't be free from your past nor free to have a future without forever paying for your past. I advise you to recognize and accept your mistakes forgive yourself including your husband and find the strength to face your NEW BEGINNING. When you two met you were entirely a different person and it appears that the two of you failed to make the transition smoothly together. It happens but it takes TWO to have a relationship -seek the help to deal with that and prepare yourself through counseling and making friends to thrive in your new season of life. Maybe then if you still want your husband, he will fall in love not with the past or take advantage of any guilt but actually fall in love with the strong woman you've become who is not burdened by the mistakes of her past but the possibilities of her future. Those kind of women make better wives anyway. And put a restraining order on that other guy once you look him in the eye and firmly ask him to LEAVE YOU ALONE! Your life is not over it is beginning with a much greater possibility of love and happiness.

Answer 5

You and your husband need counseling. It sounds like the marriage is definitely worth saving, but you are going to have to both make a fresh start. Maybe you could sit down and talk honestly and set up some rules for starting a new relationship with each other. Discuss what each of you expects, then hold up your end of the agreement. You need to stop hurting each other on purpose, and need to stop the divorce proceedings.

Answer 6

If you really want the guy to leave you alone, get a restraining order that is if you haven't already talked to him. As for yur husband, Just talk to him and tell him how you feel but also let him know that you understand how he is feeling at this point. Trust has definately been broken but it isn't impossible to rebuild if both parties are willing to work at it. Whatever you do, don't let go of your husband. 13 years down the drain and a broken heart is not what you want. Good luck!!

Answer 7

your hubby is hurt, he doesn't trust u, stop seeing this other man immediately, show your hubby through your actions that there has been a change in your behavior, he came for Christmas, so a man does follow where his heart is at, he is just afraid of what Willl happen to him if he lets his guard down, afraid of seeming weak, as his ego is involved here. forgiveness is a process one must go through, he needs to be able to talk about his hurt, even get mad, trust won't just happen overnight, will take time, but i would bet if u end it with the other man, and really end it, that he wil come home eventually. but if he sees the man at your home ever he will back off and maybe go find someone else that can support him emotionally. good luck.

Answer 8

It sounds like you two are still in love. Why don't you try to mend your fences and get back together? You'll have to get rid of the excess baggage on either side, but once that's done, the rest should be easy. Take it slow, of course, but give it a try. Best wishes!

Answer 9

You made a mistake and that is understandable to me because 16 is very young to be married.

You have to continue to make it clear to this new guy that you are not interested and that you made a mistake. Your husband loves you so you can convince him that you want to make this work, suggest counseling if necessary. I have faith the two of you will work this out.

Answer 10

It sounds to me like your husband still loves you regardless of your cheating. You both have history...go to counseling and give it time. Things may not be the same, or maybe they will be better than ever. Go to counseling and take it from there. Best of luck to you!