How is this poem.......?

Question

What do you think of it? And could you spot areas where I can improve ?

The light descended from the sky
A blinding white light; I lost all sight, I couldn’t see
Closer it came, more thrilling it became
Thrilling terror, I felt as it came upon my
Family, then, it came upon me

It covered me with peace, it ceased all pain
Ecstatic joy, Enthusiastic pleasure, a happy demise
Overwhelmed me with delight, Overpowered me with emotion
Captured, thrown into the rapture; excited, I forgot pain
And dismay as I was carried away, off to paradise

The light disappeared, I was alone
Not a soul was there, I searched everywhere
Quiet it was, as though no one had ever been born
Everyone had vanished and here I was, banished
Despair crept inside me, a numbing despair

I ran outside, to find anyone, I tried
Someone left behind, someone like me
Nothing was there to see or hear but a desolate silence
That echoed an eerie sensation; I cried
In desperation and distress and as a plea

A dreadful feeling descended upon me
Abandoned, I was, forsaken and mistaken
A dismal destiny loomed; I was doomed for eternity
Condemned, I lamented, I repented; worthlessly
Cast aside; everyone but me was blessed and taken

In the empty street, a gusty wind blew
Reminding me of the wound with which I cope
My spirit died, my faith dried and again I cried
And as I cried, into my view, as image flew
Of a holy place, I dragged my ragged self in hope

Once inside, I tore my clothes in grief
And I knelt before the idol in shame
Holding my hands apart, I screamed out my heart
Why, I cried as faltered did my belief
What have I done? No answer came

Hours passed; colourless and with agony
Sat a wretched I, Distraught as in vain I fought
A forlorn fate, I have fallen into; so damned I prefer
To die; Gloom filled my soul's hole as misery
Set upon me, cursing me for worst as I begin to rot

Answer 1

The poem is lengthy, it loses some of it's power because it is so long. Are there parts you can cut? Also, the capatilization and punctiation is very ackward. For instance, in this stanza:

Hours passed; colourless and with agony
Sat a wretched I, Distraught as in vain I fought
A forlorn fate, I have fallen into; so damned I prefer
To die; Gloom filled my soul's hole as misery
Set upon me, cursing me for worst as I begin to rot

You don't need to capatalize every line. Also, if you are going to use things like semicolons and commas, you might as well use periods too. And if you don't capatalize every line, the poem will flow better as the reader would be able to follow it through like sentences but it wouldn't lose any rythem.

One last comment, you use good language and words, but instead of just telling the reader what happened, can you try using more metaphors and adjectives. There is a lot of action in the poem, but it's hard to get a picture of what is going on. Like describe the light more, what it looked like or what the clothes looked like before or after you tore them.

Answer 2

In the second stanza - second line ,
i.e Ecstatic joy, Enthusiastic pleasure, a happy demise .

You have used capital letter for Enthusiastic pleasure . You must not use capital letters there and also in the third line of the same stanza , you Have done the same mistake I think grammaticaly wrong . That is what the places I think you must improve . Try hard . This is a very nice poem but still correct the punctuations . In many places I have spotted such punctuation errors If those are corrected then it would be fine .

Answer 3

1) This stanza doesn't follow the same ABCAB rhyme scheme:

"The light disappeared, I was alone
Not a soul was there, I searched everywhere
Quiet it was, as though no one had ever been born
Everyone had vanished and here I was, banished
Despair crept inside me, a numbing despair"

2) Stanza two: Ecstatic joy is redundant?

3) Between stanzas two and three, the character goes from "paradise" to a "numbing despair". Maybe you could add more detail on how that came about?

In general, I like the emotion. Very dark, emo, haha. I also like the abstract quality about it; the lack of precise detail makes it very personal, very relatable. The repitition of Light and Darkness adds a certain color to it that's almost epic.

Good ideas, good writing. Just those few things that could, in my opinion, be improved.

Answer 4

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It would not unavoidably could rhyme even nonetheless it needs to hit my thoughts. i think of readability of expression is important as properly. i do no longer desire to 2nd wager what i'm examining approximately. I constantly seek for what I term "poetic gemstones"in the text textile.

Answer 5

nice 1

Answer 6

u r poem is just superb, wonderful and beautiful. i think u composed it. it is very cool. i feel that u have a good hobby or might be it is Ur profession. whatever it is, but the poem excellent and meaningfully

Answer 7

Sounds more like a short story instead of a poem, but I liked it.

Answer 8

VERY VERY ---SWEET POEM.No mistakes at all.Poem has touched my soul.I have written your poem in my notebook(Sorry!).Poem revealed how a sweet person r u.

Answer 9

very good. see some publishers. enter some competition. who knows!

Answer 10

wow...this is good...i am no expert in the field but i know what i like...you have painted pictures with your words