Is it normal for someone who has an affair and leaves their spouse to re-write history? My ex keeps telling people he was not happy in our ten year marriage so that is why he had an affair with a co-worker and moved in with her almost immediately. However, it seems as if this "unhappiness" started when his affair did! He has even gone as far as to say that I changed when I lost our baby - 9.5 years ago! I guess he was only happy for 6 months. How do you deal with this? It is so frustrating to listen to this guy re-interpret our entire lives together simply to make his actions less despicable. Is it normal for cheaters to do this? I know we were having problems - ones I thought we could work out with counselling but he refused to go. Why does he have to do this?
2006-12-26 01:39:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It's easy to understand. He is just trying to minimize the fact that he wrecked the marriage. Since the breakup IS the fault of one of you, he's putting the blame on you, to absolve himself of the responsibility. Forget about it. People that matter will know who destroyed the marriage, and the rest don't matter. Put your energy into building a new life without the cheater.
2006-12-26 02:14:43 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is it possible that you changed when you lost the baby? You say you were having problems, so is it possible that your ex-husband is telling the truth when he says he wasn't happy in the marriage? And is it possible that he had an affair with a co-worker as a result of his unhappiness? It may be hurtful to hear these things, but you must understand that they may very well be true.
Some men justify their unfaithfulness by telling elaborate lies, still others justify it by telling the truth. You would be wise to know the difference. In the end, it doesn't matter what either of you says. The marriage is over and it's time to get on with your lives.
2006-12-26 02:16:54 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Who says he is re-writing? Guys hide depression more often than women do. A guy is much more likely to plaster on a fake smile and keep going to work every day than a woman. It doens't matter if you think it's society or genetics that cause it, it's just the way things are. Sometimes when things aren't working, it can be embaresing to some people to admit they need help, and that might be why he didn't go to couceling. If you admit that you needed couceling, that sounds to me like you were both unhappy. Maybe it's you who is rewriting history? Maybe you have reconstructed a perfect marriage where you always kept him happy, and he left anyway, when the reality is you both made mistakes?
2006-12-26 02:20:17 · answer #3 · answered by Sean J 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
think he is trying to paint this ugly picture to his mistress, so she won't see the truth about him. makes it hurt that much more when they do this, vilifying the whole marriage, and laying blame on the victim. think all this is done so he can justify what he has done in his own mind so he won't have to feel any pain. also done so the other woman can hear him, and know that he is serious about her. if she hears that the entire marriage was bad, she will feel more comfortable being with him, she won't feel as guilty for breaking the marriage up if she hears the entire marriage was bad. think the situation gets bad with the presence of the new woman when it might not have been before that. he may have been willing to work on the marriage until the new woman gives him an ultimatum, her or you. u can't deal with it, just know this is all for show he is magnifying all your faults, and seeing the new woman as the ans wer to all of his problems. just someone who refuses to take any blame, as it is easier to place all the blame on the victim, cause if he took any of the blame he would most likely come back him and work it out.
2006-12-26 03:11:25 · answer #4 · answered by jude 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have hit the nail on the head by saying "simply to make his actions less despicable". It really is typical for someone who cheats to make every effort to justify their actions and indiscretions. He will never come to grips with himself until he admits that it was he who became the problem. This is a sociopathic-like behavior that lets him continue without letting guilt get in the way.
I know it is difficult, but don't dwell on him, and just go on with your life. He will dig his own holes and spend a great deal of time attempting to fill them in. It isn't worth the bother or stress, so do your own thing and learn to enjoy yourself again. Misery loves company, so let him find company elsewhere. You can find misery ANYWHERE! Be happy my dear, as if you stayed with him he would only add to any misery you feel.
2006-12-26 02:22:19 · answer #5 · answered by Jay M 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I guess the best thing is to drop the rope and move on with your own life. Truth is what it is whether or not he was unhappy or that he is using it to justify his actions. What is the point of wasting your energies on his dysfunction? My ex refuses to any responsibility for the relationship ending but it had ended and it is time to move on. This is what is refered to as baggage let it go and move on with your own life. Find the happiness in yourself because you have a lot to share with the right one but you need to be happy with you first. Good luck
2006-12-26 03:20:58 · answer #6 · answered by chancesare45 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is doing this to justify his wrongdoing........He has to blame someone and your the lucky person who is going to be blamed.........you went through a trauma when you lost your baby and instead of using this to his advantage he should have been holding you and wiping away your tears...........It is very normal for cheaters to put the blame elsewhere..........it is very normal for them to feel they were the victim...................the only victim here is you.......move on and let him stew in his own juices because if he did it to you he will do it to her and she will see how it feels...........once a cheater always a cheater.....you should almost be thankful that she took your problem to live with her......It will get better and after a while he will fall victim to her and have to justify to someone else why he is cheating again..........
2006-12-26 01:53:23 · answer #7 · answered by shortieperez1 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is possible that he was unhappy during the entire time .. tho I think that perhaps his perception of events has colored a bit to justify his actions. It is also possible that he is clinically depressed and so remembers much of his life as an empty wasteland.
2006-12-26 01:52:09 · answer #8 · answered by Lost in Merryland 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-19 00:07:04 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
They want to justify their actions, and they want the situation to be black and white rather than multi coloured, so they bullshit to themselves to comfort themselves and dont think about the enormous distress and pain it causes. A girlfriend did the same thing to me, but it was only over a 2 year period, yet still hurt like hell, so I can completely sympathise with your feelings on this one.
2006-12-26 02:02:05 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋