I just found out my Husband has been having an affair for the last 6 weeks ,he wants to stay but I'm disused2

Answer 1

how sorry is he?

how's his record otherwise?

i have a good friend who experienced this as well with her man and she stayed. she made him pay in lots of little ways and used it as a sort of goad or excuse to improve everything else about their lives. the guy dotes on her and would now be a very tough act to follow with this friend of mine. this is one way worth contemplating.

the way i see it, divorce is so ugly and wrenching, it would be easier even to just cheat on him and call it even adolescent as it sounds.

i don't enjoy having the moral high ground (because it means there's an issue and i start to feel i'm better/getting a raw deal)

i've had lots of experience with being cheated on and my atttitude these days is I don't care, it's not special 'we're not getting married' now in your situation. it's horrible. it's not the cheating part really. well, it is: it's the betrayal.

i still say if you can forgive that's easier. if he's lousy otherwise that's even easier. but if he's good. if you love him enough to drag yourself through that torture... i won't presume to suggest one way or another because the two choices are both disgusting. especially sine you didn't put yourself in this. it's someone you trusted that did this to you.

whatever you decide i would give it time... so you can make a decision when you're calmer and the wound is less raw. it is the rest of your life you're talking about after all.

Answer 2

I stayed with my abusive cheating husband despite finding out he had another child just 1 month older then our youngest child. That was the result of a 3 year affair. Now when i look back the marriage had already died but for the sake of the children i decided to give it a go. It was the worst mistake of my life. 18 months later, I threw him out. If you look at my most recent question,you will see my only regret is not to have ended it the day i found out about the other woman.

I know you truly love your husband. You haven't said whether or not the relationship has now ended which makes a big difference.You have to ask yourself if you can truly forgive your husband. I don't agree that once a cheat always a cheat, it is possible for a man to stray once and never again, but as it wasn't just a drunken one nite stand and it has been going on for 6 weeks then you have lots of things you need work out.

Good luck and i hope 2007 brings you more joy and less pain.

Answer 3

Well, I can tell you this, it makes your heart harden and twists your insides like knots.

With that being said, you will need to be able to forgive him totally for the affair if you let him stay, because if not, it will interfere with your marriage forever.

You also will need to learn to trust him again, and make sure he knows that trust is something he will have to earn back, it wont be given freely like before.

If I were you I would definitely seek out marriage counseling, and hopefully he will go with you, if not, you can still go by yourself, but if he isn't willing to at least do that then you should decide if you can live with the fact that he may want to stay , but isn't willing to work on saving the marriage.

Also you need to see if you can find the underlying cause as to why he cheated.

Christmas time is the worst time ever to find something like that out!


Peace and Happy Holidays to you!!
Good Luck!!

Answer 4

I am sorry you just found out something like this, but there are always options. How long have you two been married, and is he still having the affair? I know of a friend that her husband had an affair for two years before she found out, by him. It was devastating for her. He moved out for a while, but later, she forgave him. They had been married long enough that their kids were grown. After she took him back, their lives has been good since. I also had an affair, after being married for 17 yrs. I had no excuses either, but it happened. I didn't tell my husband for a while, but I finally did, more to make myself feel better. I felt so GUILTY! (our marriage wasn't doing too well at the time, but no excuse). Any way, he loved me enough to forgive me, and admitted that he wasn't being the husband he should of been. Sometimes when one steps out on their mate, it is a symptom, instead of a cause. If we as married people, can work through the problems surrounding the affair, we usually can bring our family back together. I for one, can tell you it is difficult to have two sets of parents when the kids are adults! They never accept the second mate. And no matter why the divorce happened, you miss being the grandparents of the grandkids together. I did get a divorce in '85 from my first husband, but he had molested my girls and beat up on my oldest son. But my second husband has been good to me, and I love him very much. He is the one that I betrayed with an affair. But he loved me enough to not only forgive me, and admit his own downfalling, we are still together today. I have no desire to leave, and neither does he. He is no saint either, but since I'm not talking about his issues, I won't go into them. Sometimes when there is an affair in a marriage, no matter who committs the adultery, the innocent one may need to analyse themselves and see if they had a role that they played that helped the offending mate to have an affair. This calls for brutal honesty on our part. But never accept blame if you HONESTLY don't have any reason to. (like my first marriage)
Remember, you are the one with the "ball in your court" now, but once and if you decide to forgive him, let it GO! Don't continue to have resentment or trust issues. Don't go bringing it up to him all the time and dwelling on what he done wrong. If you forgive, then forgive him! from the heart! When God forgives us, he does so "in a large way" and "never even calls it to mind" and our slate is "washed clean like when crimson becomes white as snow." It is difficult to get crimson out, if not impossible, so it isn't an easy thing to do to forgive, but you can!

Answer 5

if he wants to stay than he should be willing to go to some sort of therapy with u, he should also be willing to be accountable, and understand that forgiveness is a process, and must be earned before u can move on in the marriage. if u have children u need to try to save the marriage, as all infidelities don't always end with the person leaving to be with the lover. forgiveness is a long road, and requires alot of work, and willingness on both sides. good communication is the key.

Answer 6

Do you know the woman he was cheating with? Well I would love to say that somewhere in life is a gr8 group of men that are devoted and never cheat...but is that true??? Same thing thrown back to women...do they never cheat??? I think at some point in everyone's relationships you look around and see something that you might want a taste of...but not everyone takes it. Does he mean that much to you to give him another chance? Has he done this b4? Have you? Deep down you know the answer... trust yourself on this one and your true emotions... if he hurt you make sure he knows just how much!

Answer 7

Either you pack up your stuff and move out where upon he can talk to you through your divorce lawyer or keep the house and change the locks where he will still talk to you through your lawyer. He'll cheat on you again. If you take him back you are only saying you're a doormat for him to walk all over. Let him marry someone else to cheat on. His mistress can have him. You don't need the loser. Life is too short for you to waste being lied to and lied about. Get out of yur marriage and enjoy your life. He doesn't take you or his marriage seriously. He's a spoiled brat who wants to get away with cheating. Don't insult yorself by taking yourself for granted. Get a lawyer and get tough.

Answer 8

You are the only one who can decide if it is worth staying and working through it.

How long have you been together? Do you have kids together? Will you think about the affair every time you see him? Can you forgive him and trust again? These are all questions you have to ask yourself.

Trust your heart and do what is best for you.

Answer 9

A 1 night stand is unacceptable but 6 weeks? get rid of him now love and have more respect for yourself. It does'nt matter who you are I believe that somewhere out there, theres your perfect partner waiting for you . Unfortunately we all have to go through the hurt and pain of getting it wrong so many times first though. This man does'nt love you and even if he ends his relationship with this other woman, its only a matter of time before he strays again. Put yourself first for a change and show both him and yourself that you don't need him and you are somebody who deserves much more than this. Good luck!

Answer 10

He should of thought about all of that before he decided to have an affair. Put him out and show him he's not always going to get what he wants.