Long Term Affair, Now What ?

Question

Married 19 yrs and having an affair for the last 4 yrs wt the same man, got deeply hurt years before and unable to get over the hurt.
Problem : I fell in love wt the man, he wants us to be together full time, yet I'm emotionally attached to hubby, nothing more then platonic... Its crazy !

I left 9 yrs ago, transfered 600 miles away, asked for a divorce, he begged me not to divorce him or he'd screw me out of my investments (that were mine in the firsts place). I also lived wt the other man for 6 mths...

My hubby is indeed a good man, our children are grown and gone. He's successfull in business and also a big drug addict, smokes every single day, no wonder he is tolerant ! ???

Answer 1

I am in your mans situation. I am in love with a married man....we have been involved for the past 3 years. My lover is with his wife out of responsibility...so I guess you could call that an emotional attachment. He is with his wife because he feels she will fall apart if he leaves her...I guess you could call that emotional attachment too. He also says he cannot live with her for the rest of his life, but cannot say when he will leave her. I honestly believe him. The thing is, I cannot wait any longer, and as much as I love him, I have ended it with him. He is devestated, I am hurting, but I am better than waiting for a man who may never leave his wife. I have to move on. I believe his life is going to be empty until he dies now...but hey, thats a choice he has made and I will not feel guilty about that. If you want to continue this plantonic relationship with your husband, then do it, but let your man go to find true happiness with someone who can love him exclusively. I think my lover has finally realised he has been really selfish. He loves me and I love him, but he cannot get past the responsibility thing. He has to love me more than he loves himself...he has to let me go so I can find my true soulmate...you are not this man's soulmate for if you were you would find a way to be with this man. Let him go, allow him the freedom to persue a woman who will trully love him...not on the part time basis you are offering him, but on a full time basis as he deserves. In saying that, however, If he is prepared to accept your crumbs, and he knows that you will never leave your husband, yet he chooses to continue the relationship with you, then you have nothing to feel bad about because you have told him the truth and he has chosen to accept the situation. You are not responsible for the choices anyone else makes. If he chooses to accept this situation, then he should not be putting pressure on you to leave. I have never pressured my man to leave his marriage...it had to be something he wanted for himself. He has made his choice, and I am not angry with him. I accepted this situation for as long as I possibly could...my choice....but it was also my choice to end it. So if you are not prepared to leave your husband....just make it clear to your lover, then let him decide what he is prepared to accept and not accept....but you must respect the fact that he may be like me and needs something more...so you could lose him.

Answer 2

You can't keep both men. It is not fair to them, but it is not fair to you, either. It has to be tearing you up inside to be with both of them. If you cannot make a logical choice, think about how you will feel being with each of them long term. If the picture with one of them is better than the other, you know who to choose. Just keep in mind that this affair has never given you a chance to get to know the real man. You don't live with him day in and day out like you do your hubby. Even though it has been 4 years, you don't really know how things are going to be with him. It is easy to be someone you are not when you don't live with the person. Keep in mind that the grass is not always greener on the other side and just letting him go and learning to fall back in love with your hubby may be the best thing you can do for yourself.

Answer 3

First of all you were stupid and inconsiderate to start the relationship in the first place. If you think your marriage is done then at least be considerate and ask for a divorce before starting another. If you ask me ...your the problem in the relationship, not your spouse. Your just plain rotten. And youve done this for four years. How rotten is that. Yeah you really care about the person you are with legally right now. If you really cared, you would of ended the relationship long ago, or at least tried to make it work. Afterall, it has worked for the last 15 yrs since youve cheated on him for four. And as far as you and your affair, you two deserve eachother. I can believe how many uncaring people there are in this world.

Answer 4

Just think how hurt your husband would feel if he knew Do you have kids it would destroy them . When you got married You made a commitment Some days I don't like my husband either. But I don't cheat Because I made a commitment to him.
I will tell you from friends who have had spouses or they have cheated they always end up being cheated upon .
You got a husband who loves you supports you. Why would you want to just blow that off for a guy who you cheat with that could possible cheat on you. Before you kiss your marriage good bye
Go to counseling give it a try.If the other guys the right one he will wait for you .If not he will run like the wind.
I don't say this to be mean I just don't think you should blow off 19 years you have invested

Answer 5

If you are not in love with yur husband anymore and in love with this other man of 4 years you should leave the marriage. You have no young children involved. No reason to stay ina loveless marriage or when you are having an affair.

Answer 6

Tho others will judge you this is something that does happen. Many don't want to admit it and are generally closed off from their feelings when they become "holier than thou" in thinking it can't happen to them. It sometimes happens to those who least expect it...

It is important, however, to see that it is damaging to how you see yourself, to your husband and to the other man. It's almost impossible to give yourself totally to your husband while giving part of yourself to someone else and to have a healthy marriage you do need to be totally available to your husband.

The choice is a hard one. To choose the passion of the lover or the steady and committed love you have grown accustomed to with your husband. Only you can choose between the two. Do understand that one day it is likely that the lover's passion will also cool and in that case would it not make sense to stay in the relationship that has already served you so well?

All I can offer is my understanding and hope. Do try to make a decision and let go of one or the other. To continue on as you are is unfair and unhealthy.

Best of luck.

Answer 7

Well, my first question to you is this, was he a drug addict
and all that before you had an affair 4 years ago?? If you've been having an affair for 4 years, does your affair play any part in his bad habits? I'm asking you that because, you apparently like this "crazy life" or you would have changed it before now.

Answer 8

It sounds like like you will be hurt even more if you continue. No matter what, if you don't give or have a commitment from the other person, then it's silly to even be "in" the relationship. As far as your marriage, if you aren't in it for love, then you need to leave it. It's not fair to either of you.

Answer 9

You did it to your self girl!! What next?? How will you know who you will be happy with. You know how your husband is, but do yo0u REALLY know how this man is that you are having the affair with? You haven't lived w/ him yet. That's all I have to say. If you leave your husband, you will NOT be happy UNLESS you are 100% positive this is what you want.

Answer 10

Does your spouse know about the affair? You should come clean about the affair if he doesn't know. You need to make your mind who you want to be with. Stop being selfish and think about what this is doing to all parties involved.