town oddity?

Question

My town has a man that had a sledding accident years ago. According to rumor, he was the popular guy then. Now he is a guy that needs help and kids pick on him every day. I have a 9 year old daughter that sees the best in people. I want to help this guy get the best of life with what he has been dealt. I do talk to him when I see him but it is tough because of his speech. His brain has been damaged from the accident and its hard to get through to him when you speak to him. Nobody in this town wants to help him, but I do. How do I get through to him and make him realize I am and not trying to pick but help? My wife is a hair stylist and wants to trim his crusty mop. He has been without help so long that he can't understand someone wanting to help. Its very sad that this guy has to go through everyday living this way. I just want to make it better for him. Please, some help here.

I am sitting here watching your answers. And I appreciate all of them. I guess one thing I did not express is that I come from a very small community. Maybe 6000 people. This man is not just a everyday homeless guy. He has a nice home and has clothing which as a community we provide. But, I'm not sure how his mind works. I would like him to know that he has comfort in friends...... I myself was one of those guys in school that everyone knew. Years ago, I was one of those guys thst picked. I am years past all that now and want to help. I took him a x-mas gift tonight which was from my daughter. Its a good start BUT I feel its not enough.

Answer 1

What a precious gift in your heart you have.

(I wonder who put that there?) :-)

To go about this successfully, it will take time, patience and wisdom. Years of isolation coupled with damage that's most likely turned to chronic illness may prove to be a challenge that may need a guided hand. Do you have a local pastor, some kind of group that helps the needy? How about a church...if you don't have one, does someone you know belong to a community? Try to talk with others who have worked with those less fortunate or the mentally ill, or what you *really* need is someone who's worked with traumatic brain injury. Called TBI - can you look that up online? There can be an element of anger and frustration that's out of the realm of normal with TBI...this may be the reason for his guarded stance and isolation. I know you want to help, and please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't accept you wanting to help trim his hair -- not right away anyway. Try and build a rapport with him first. Do you even know him? If not, how could you spark a conversation?

People never want charity, what they like best is to be able to 'give'. Can you ask him for help in some small way? Even if it's just to give an opinion like...."my daughter thinks this will be a cold winter, what do you think?" Play on whatever strengths he appears to have...or what does he appear to like, what does he do? You can turn any conversation into a way for him to give YOU the information you need, leaving him walking away feeling GREAT about himself. The last thing someone responds to is, "hey, look, I noticed you might need some help." -- watch him dig his heels in. What would you do? ;)

Start with conversation when you see him around town. Show him interest - learn to be so selfless and compassionate he will never sense you feeling sorry for him. So, that would be a good place to start eh? My perspective- this guy is fine in his little microcosm, yet it bothers you. Now, how do we know the town oddity isn't just comfortable being what he is? If you are going to help him, you might begin to understand the gift is dual-fold...thus your journey to understand compassion and humanity will give to you and your family much more than you may realize.

Find his qualities, strengths, humanity, and his own personal beauty.

See this.

Now go be the mirror and reflect what you see back. This is a gift greater than any I can think of - to truly make someone feel good about themselves!! Then, after a few years and some laughs, maybe dinner....your wife can go ahead and offer the 'trim'.

Good luck!!

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Just re-read your post and after-note.

It's been a long day! I think what you did was very gracious with the gift. Indeed, if he cannot communicate well it will be tough to really reach out in the ways I described. Take it slow, learn more about him when you can. Offer smiles and the gift of presence (meaning, you wish to be near him and show him this)

It's hard, really hard to see those around us who appear less fortunate. I can see your mind working here with your words. I can tell you that it's never easy for anyone, but after years of working with my patients I've developed a sense of peace by changing my perspectives a bit. He has struggled with this for a long time, the last thing he would want for YOU is to share in his pain. Do what you can and be thankful for what you have - and put this to rest in between your efforts. You can pray for him or send him your loving thoughts. I think you have already made his day. :) Night...

Answer 2

No easy answer. I would start by finding the local shelter & mental health organization in your area. Let them know what you would like to do & get some professional advice from them. They may already know more about him & his situation and be able to help you reach out to him in a more positive way.

And, sad to say it, you might want to check with the police to make sure he has no history of violence. He's probably fine, but ... safety first.

One suggestion, if you wife is willing, it to 'volunteer' at the shelter once a month to do haircuts for those in need. It can be a big boost for them & can even help them get jobs and/or find better places to live. Then, when this guy your interested in helping sees others doing it and that it's ok, he might be willing to do it as well.

You and your family sound like wonderful, caring people & I wish you the best of luck. Merry Christmas.

Answer 3

Does he have any good friends or local family that he interacts with? They may be a bridge for you to connect with him, confirming for him that you're safe.

With or without family or friends to help foster a relationship between you, In his current state of mind you MUST go extremely slow bc everyone and everything feels like a threat and he knows he has no way to protect himself. He's incredibly vulnerable and so his anxiety can run through the roof--he may need medication to help with the anxiety if his doctor would offer and if he would take it. With such injuries, constant anxiety is not at all unusual and meds are given specifically for it. :

That said, you must start by making a point of it to gently say hello to him every time you see him and walk away. After weeks to months of this, he should become calmer and feel safer around you and such simple contact. You've proven to him that you mean no harm, but the challenge is only beginning.

Next, try saying hello as you pass and touch him gently on the arm, shoulder, or hand and then walk away. Keep this up for weeks to months until such contact seems/feels normal and expected to him everytime he sees you and he doesn't react negatively. He may even begin to smile in anticipation when he sees you coming his way. That's big time confirmation that you're making progress. In psychological behavioral terms and in child development terms, this approach/process is called approximation.

Build on the relationship, such as it is, from these small steps with other increasingly large steps and respect his pace and tolerance levels. He will eventually learn to distinguish you from others who mean him harm--at which point, you've begun a friendship. He will expect positive contact and good things from you.

Just start from where HE is and not from where you wish he was or where you want him to be or where/how you want to enter his life (so, yeah, hair cuts are OUT). None of this is foolproof, but you really have no other options until he learns you mean him no harm.

It's a good thing you're doing. On his behalf, I thank, you.

Answer 4

It's possible that his argumentative nature or lack of trust is a result of the brain damage. Please do keep trying to help him, knowing you may or may not ever be thanked. God knows your heart is in the right place. It's so sad that no one else would help.

Answer 5

does your town have some kind of shelter or halfway house or charity? what about church, can you talk to a minister to see about helping him out? maybe if he given something to like oddjobs around town he can gain a new sense of self-worth and help support himself. maybe if you talk to you kid's school teachers they can suggest a way to help his development.

create a plan of action and talk to people around town (like the teachers, minister and charity workers). if you show them you are serious you are more likely to get other people help with this.

Answer 6

Why do you assume that the only role for black models is to be a white person's interpretation of black beauty? And how do you know it was a white person who "discovered" black models such as Alek Wek?

Answer 7

Maybe sending him a letter...can he still read? He may not understand speech well, but he may be able to comprehend a written letter/card.

Answer 8

ask him if he wants to have dinner with your family,or if he says no yell him to invite you to his house for coffe or tea.ask him about his life or hobbies.hey,you and him may have a lot in common.

Answer 9

It's only help if he wants it.

Answer 10

help him anyway u can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!