I know you can't tell me, but can you help me with my sexuality?

Question

Okay, this is an odd question, and I realise you can't really give me a single reply that will tell me how I feel, but I'm hoping that someone wiser than me will post something which will help me work it out for myself, or at least make it a bit clearer!

Basically, I'm seventeen years old and have always been attracted to both sexes. It's never bothered me, and at times when I was confused about my sexuality in early teenagehood (either liking only one or the other sex or both) I simply didn't worry - I felt I had no need to put a label on my sexuality, I'm young and it just doesn't bother me - I date who I want to.

However, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months, and I'm hitting a problem, because... wow I really, really love him, and I'm aroused by him, but I don't know if it's more the idea that he wants me than that I'm turned on by HIM. I am also finding myself disgusted with the idea of men sexually... physically, it literally makes me feel sick!

Although I’ve never minded not knowing my sexuality before, if I’m gay… well, I don’t want to lead him along emptily.

I feel far more physically attracted to women these days, and emotionally more in tune. I don’t know if it’s because I now see it as a viable option since seeing two gay friends of mine raising a child, or what it is… but I’ve slept with a couple of men, and I just… I dunno, I like the fact that in a way you can ‘hide’ when having sex with a guy, because they don’t SEE you so much, if you get me. But maybe it’s because my confidence is growing and I’m starting to appreciate that I could enjoy sex with a woman.

I never orgasm during sex with men.

Can anyone help clear things up for me?

Answer 1

I think you are finding out what I think is the truth. Most everyone is bi. It is a sliding scale thing. Some people are at each extereme (100% gay or 100% hetero)--but I think almost everyone is to a lesser or greater degree in that middle ground somewhere--to varying degrees one way or the other.

This is really more noticeable in women. We have always been more open about it. Girls have no problem is saying stuff like "she is cute"--where men never talk about any appreciation of other men in that regard. I suspect though most must have that same type of appreciation at some level--I don't know for sure--but I would not know why not.

You are showing one of the signs of a woman who is primarily lesbian oriented--and that is repulsion of male sex. The other half--attraction to other girls--is kinda half way. You indicate an attraction for other women. But I am wondering do you fantasize about other girls, do you masturbate with thoughts of other girls, do you scope them out? I kind of gather you don't do any of this with thoughts of men.

You need to explore the thoughts I mentioned and explore your feelings as well. If sex with men continues to turn you off and in fact female sex attracts you then you should take the step toward forming a relationship.

One thing to understand about female sex-- it is really much more "female love" than is the hetero relationship (but of course there is often love there)--and it is not just about sex. It is a lot more about emotions and feelings and not a rush to sex as a lot of hetero sex is. For this reason it will be possible for you to form relationships with gay or bi girls and explain exactly where you are with this.

I do think a lot of what you are doing is what you think you should be doing. And that is one of the reasons that you now see gay family with children as a viable option opens up the possibility of a lesbian orientation.

So, go carefully, but try not to be held back by these expectations, and expore your sexual orientation. Do it at your own pace--but do not go too slow so as to put it off and slip into that which is expected of you--if you are lesbian oriented that could be sentencing yourself to years of heatache.

Answer 2

students in a new university environment are pretty open and keen to learn about the world and whats really out there. Im sure they already know or have an inkling. Be proud of how you feel and what you want to do - step out there, and you'll find you have more supporters than enemies. Do it, tell a close friend first for confidence and someone to lean on. You can build from there.

Answer 3

I'm in love w/a man that pleases me,but doesn't sexually he isn't like the one i used to fantasize about because that was the one that would give me an orgasm and more. He would do things to me to get me to an orgasmic frenzy. Anyways most of the women i know that are gay say that men did for them,but they didn't like men because when it came to sex the man couldn't simply make them orgasm.Plus women who like women cause we as women can relate to their feelings and some men aren't sensitive to a woman's needs.like when a man is being physical w/ a woman its a 2 way street cause it should be about her and not about him. When its about him its wham Bam thank u mam and she's left still horny.(maybe that's why they make toys.) as far as people and what their sexual preferences are i always say 2 each his /her own .I'm not here to pass judgment,but do u. Do what ever makes u happy cause when u become an adult (older adult) u have to please yourself so if u want to do both do that u want pure monogamy and u want a man 4 ever do that 2.At least try to experience an orgasm or find u some one that will make u have them.

Answer 4

For some people their sexuality kinda changes a little over the years. I used to consider myself bi, but started questioning my interest in guys. After I started to transition to living as a woman instead of pretending to be a guy, my interest in guys grew a little, but recently I'm losing interest in men more and more each day. I'm only 20 myself. One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to be honest with your boyfriend. Maybe have a trial separation while you figure out your sexuality so that you don't lead him on. Two of my good friends, one of which is bi-curious, had a trial separation a few months ago and couldn't stand being apart. They're just as close as ever.

Answer 5

In my opinion, it doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, or bi. You're young. 18 months is a long time to be with one person when you're 17. Maybe you should take a break for a while and experiment with different things. You don't have to decide right now. Sexuality should be free flowing, and it sounds like to me that yours would be if you were single. Explain that you need some space and time to grow and figure yourself out. See where it takes you. It might even take you back to him. I believe that people fall in love with people because of who they are, not what's between their legs. I think if you were really happy with this guy, you wouldn't be questioning who you are.
Peace :)

Answer 6

I am bisexual and this is something I had to work out for myself not long ago.
What I would suggest is speaking with the man in your life, at the very least. I'm certain his reaction will be very insightful.
I would also look for yourself at what being a lesbian would mean. Go with your gay friends to a night club, or just hang around in that atmosphere or social scene. Does it make you feel uncomfortable, or do you feel right at home?
I hope this helps, sweets!

Answer 7

Sounds like you just have a "hang up" about men, physically. You've never had sex with a woman, so you can't be sure unless you've fallen for one or you've had sex with one (or thought about it alot). And trust me, if you were gay, you would have.

What I would do, is find out WHY sex with men is a turn-off. Start off by asking your boyfriend to just let you explore his body without him moving. What is it about it that makes you sick? There has to be "something?" Men are beautiful creatures, trust me, and they have alot going for them. Its easy to be hung up on one or two things and just "toss" the rest out with the rubbish. However, by doing this you will miss alot. In the end, it will be YOUR decision. Just do NOT rush it and explore first with both sexes to make sure you make the right one!

Making a decision "to become" a lesbian without actual lesbian experience or thoughts is not smart. After all, if you had those inclinations, you would have those "desires." : )

Answer 8

I like the word "queer" to describe sexuality that you can't define just yet, or ever. Besides reclaiming the word from people who use it to discriminate, it has a more fluid connotation that seems to describe what you feel. I have no idea what you should do with your boyfriend though... but don't have sex that you find disgusting, that's for sure.

Answer 9

wow!!! okay well to me it sounds like your bisexual not gay or lesbian since you been with both sexes!!!! umm i don't really know what you should do!!! you say you've been wit ur bf for 18 months but u like the idea of being with a woman instead, well do u really love ur boyfriend?? idont know if this will help you

Answer 10

Sure, you are Bi-sexual, you might want to find people who support you in the way that you are as opposed to people who want to change you, i mean throughout life.. THe man or woman you find to share your life with better be pretty open..

Realize who you are, ( what you are is human) don't let anyone make you feel guilty for being who you are. Live your life, in your way.. let those who oppose you have sleepless nights worrying about it. SCREW EM...