How do I forgive my family?

Question

All the hurt and pain caused by my family and my husband's family has made me into a bitter and hard person to live with. I am always in a lot of emotional pain. Now my husband wants divorce -can't blame him. I have no where to turn.
But I want to start healing my marriage by forgivinging everyone, inlcuding myself. I just want to let go of all the anger, resentment and hatrerd in me. No matter who did what to me, I just want to forgive and heal myself, my marriage and my husband. I will see a counselor next week and am trying to work hard on changing the way I think. My husband says it's over. I have not tried the forgiveness path before, but I want to give all I have. Any words of comfort and hope? Pls. help me.

I love my husband very much, but for a long time I was blinded by all the pain and hatred for everyone involved, including myself. I explained this to my husband and he said that he will think about it, although he also keeps saying that this marriage is not working. I will continue to read up on forgivenss everywhere I can and keep on a positive lookout. Thank you for all your kinds words.

Answer 1

Hard to give solid advice without a whole lot of information. It all depends on how long you've been together, if you have kids, etc.

I say, START OVER... 2007 will be your year.

Release all the crap you have inside you and get ready for a new man...and be kind and loving to him.....all the time....I highly suggest giving him lots and lots of sex to keep him happy!

He'll thank me for that!

Answer 2

No one can help u as much as you can help yourself. So use what nature has given you - the most powerful tool in the world - your brains.

Thinking has already brought about change in you - making you ready to forgive. The trick is to use your mind and not let your heart or body rule the thought.

So if you feel forgiveness and getting back with the hubby is the way to go, but there is a small nag in some dark corner of the mind. Stop.

Therapy, help, support are all going to talk to you and make your mind work out a solution, so why not shut yourself in a room, alone with a pad and pen and work out the options ? Just write the pros and cons and then start narrowing down to the options which are realistic.

Just be real girl, a broken relationship is tough on all, and every effort you make objectively will go a long way to build your own strength. Remember that eventually you have to answer yourself whether you did the right thing by staying or breaking away.

Answer 3

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but you can't just forgive. . .it takes a ton of time, and in the end, you may just choose to let go of your anger and hurt (which is not the same as forgiving). One way to make sure your hastening the day when you can make yourself right with this, and feel better is to find a divorce support group. In our area, it's called "Coping with Divorce." Even if you and your husband decided to see a counselor, it's helpful to walk this path with others who are dealing with the same challenges and hurt that you are. Most divorce support groups have speakers and trained discussion leaders to help makes sure that discussions are positive and helpful rather than a descent into complaints and anger.

The only other suggestion I have is to find something to do that requires effort and that you love. Learn to play an instrument. Run a long race. Do something that you can succeed at based only on your own effort--something that doesn't rely on others for success. That little piece of achievement is like throwing a rock down a huge chasm to build a bridge. It feels like it does nothing, yet success builds on success, and you'll find yourself doing more things you love. After a while, those litte rocks build up, and you can walk across.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Right now I think you are hurting from the news that your husband is leaving you and you can't see beyond that fact. I know you want to heal things between you and are afraid that your marriage is ending but don't fear. I've been where you are now and I know that It's impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There are issues that will never be resolved if it's only you that are forgiving. Your marriage may be over but your life isn't. Your partner, your husband should have protected you from the stress and pain you obviously suffered at the hands of your inlaws and he is very much to blame for that part of the equasion. You may find, and I will be very surprised if you don't, that you will begin to feel a huge relief that this is over. It won't be immediate but it will come and with it you will find a peace inside of you that was lost long ago. Try not to focus on what your loosing(it doesn't seem to me that it's anything great) but focus instead on what you will gain by being free from this mental strain you are under. Focus on you and your needs as a person. I promise you that things will improve for you once you realise that the way of life you have now is killing the goodness inside of you. I wish you all the good luck for your future and hope that your realisation comes to you soon.

Answer 5

A counselor is a good start. However, I would reccomend you check to see if there are any Anger Management classes available in your immed. area. Siging up for one may not save your marriage, but it may save your (and loved ones) sanity. You need to be able to understand the root of your anger, before you can effectively deal with it.
Forgiveness starts with a sincere effort to change your feelings towards others. If you feel more comfortable making amends in writing, do so. However you do it is good; both for you and the other party involved.
Bitterness eats us up from the inside.
I hope you find the courage to let go of it.

Answer 6

You are going to have to seek forgiveness for yourself. When you base forgiveness on getting something from someone, it's not real. You have to forgive people in order to make peace with yourself. Your marriage may be over or it may not but regardless you need to let go of all your hurt and anger because it sounds like it is destroying you. Don't let other's action set the tone of your life. Don't let hate, anger, and unforgiveness be what's controlling you. You can not have a life living like that. I hope all work out. Take care.

Answer 7

It sounds like you have some hard choices to make in your life. I think you are taking a great first step in seeing someone to help you. Start small by trying to forgive yourself and move from there.

You may need to examine if some of the people in question actually need forgiveness or not. If some of your family relations outside your husband are toxic ones, examine whether you need that in your life or not. Forgiveness is a noble act, but you are not required to forgive everyone especially if they continue to emotionally harm you. Hopefully, the counselor can help you sort these choices out and you can move forward.

God Bless and I wish you luck in your journey!

Answer 8

Go to anger management classes. It may not heal all of your pain but, it may prevent future pain. And if you have given your best and they cannot forgive you then, i say it is their loss. You have already taken a big step by admitting you have a problem. I am sure that others in your family has problems too. Maybe you can teach them a thing or two after a few classes. Good luck

Answer 9

You have used a lot of words like healing, resentment, anger, and pain.

But in your post you failed to tell us what the actual issues are, so it is hard to say what is going on and give advice.

The feelings you describe could apply to all sorts of issues, so any sort of confort we could give you would be superficial.

Talk to this counselor and get things sorted out. I think it is important to discuss and clarify which of these issues you should "own," and deal with those first.

When you get yourself sorted out, maybe your husband will have a different outlook. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 10

There is a saying that may apply here. Hurting people hurt others. It sounds very much as though you are hurting from your long ago past as well as the turmoil of your recent past. It's tough to know where to start isn't it? My suggestion would be to find a counselor or therapist you can trust and heal.