Anyone feel better since they got divorced. I am so sick of laziness and there is NO connection anymore!?

Question

Ok, I would appreciate any real answers, leave the BS out. My spouse is the ultimate lazy. And I mean ULTIMATE. He doesn't even like to shower. And somehow EVERYTHING falls on me. I work full time, cook, clean, raise 4 kids, pay the bills, grocery shop, make and keep appts ect. He refuses to do anything. I can be working my *** off and he sits there and watches tv or plays games. It has got to the point where I can not stand to look at him without extreme anger. There is no emotional connection there anymore. We are in our 30's, why should I spend another many years being this miserable. I have talked to him. He will not change and quite frankly I am tired of begging him to. I didn't bargin for a high maintenance child when I got married, I wanted someone to share life with. This is not shareing anything, it is just making me miserable. Has anyone ever been in this situation and left? How did you feel and how did things work out for you? Are you happier now? HELP ME?

Thank you all so much for your honest answers! You have pretty much confirmed what I think I wanted to deny, that change is difficult but staying and being miserable is also difficult. Time to quite complaining and cut the cord! Keep the answers coming! It helps so much to have your imput! Thanks

Answer 1

Bottom line babe, people don't change. We can modify our behavior but our urge to be who we are generally stays the same. If he is lazy, and he isn't willing to change his behavior then maybe you need to change your circumstance. One less person to take care of. Don't compromise your happiness for someone who doesn't care about how you feel. Love is give and take. Good luck in your decision.

Answer 2

You must confront him. The following is a positive method of confrontation:

1. Affirm the relationship.
In this case, you may want to tell him how you felt at one time and are concerned that the feeling is diminished. Ask him how he feels.

2. Discuss the issue.
Don't insult him by calling him lazy. Just remind him how much time he spends goofing off while you are working and keeping up the house. At this time you should determine why. He may be depressed or suffering from some kind of addiction. He is not relieved of responsibilty because of this, it only opens a door for reasoning.

3. Discuss how you both will work on resolving the issue.
Counseling, daily discussion, his new efforts. In any case, you will work on it together.

4. Confirm how things are going to change from here on.
Whatever was agreed upon in step 3 must change NOW!

5. Reconfirm the relationship.
Remind him it takes two to have a relationship.

I'm sure you can take it from there. Just remember, insulting and arguing won't get anywhere. Keep the conversation positive.

If by chance he does not take any responsibility or maturity in the relationship, you need to let him know you won't live this way anymore. Something will change for better or worse.

Answer 3

I strongly agree with James R. and Tim2honor... Your husband could be depressed. Different people act out their depressions differently. For a guy, to lose himself in a video game is very easy. Its a "man thing", and most women don't understand. Just like most men don't understand what shopping does for women.
Try to talk to him, and explain to him that your situation is very difficult right now, and explain how. Try not to put him down while talking. Ask him "are you depressed?".
If he is willing to open up to you, then you have hope, and either you or another person (psychologist, marriage counselor) might help you. Many psychologists/marriage counselors are not good. So it might take you a lot of time to find the right one.
If you don't have any feelings left for him, then it may be better to get a divorce.
No outcome will be easy, so don't rush into any decisions. Take your time and think things through, because your decisions will affect all around you: you, him, your kids, both sets of parents, even friends, and anyone else around.
Good luck.

Answer 4

That you're even asking this question shows that things have gone to a point where repair is almost impossible. I sepperated from my wife almost 4 years ago and the relief was enormous. For 6 years previous I had been miserable, trying my best to make her happy but failing miserably. I cooked, cleaned and did laundery, anything that I could to lessen her work load. Anyway, it was to no avail and for my own sanity and to avoid the constant fighting, I left. I am a much happier person now. Like you I am in my thirties and thought that life would be over once I was divorced but in fact things have gotten progressively better since then and I am now much happier than I ever was!!! You deserve better that some parasite who feeds off you every day. Any person who is too lazy to look after their own personal hygeine doesn't deserve to have anyone in their life. I'd like to wish you good luck in your new life since I'm sure you already know that life without this man has got to be better than with!

Answer 5

I feel sorry that you feel the way you feel. Yes I was in the same situation and I have been divorced going on 6 years and I'm so happy and exhaling. I have two boyz 13 and 15 but I had been officially a single parent since they were 5 and 7 when my ex kept popping in and out of our lives.When he were with us we were miserable and finances were horrible. When he left temporarily things started looking up and I started noticing the pattern.I finally pulled all my money together and paid for the divorce and I have been happy since. I have two a car and a SUV, I purchased my first new house and I'm about to retire from the military in less than 2 years. I did try to make it work first but unfortunately I was the only one. Don't listen to anyone who will tell you stay together for the kids because my kids told me at a young age that they wanted me to get rid of their father after they saw how miserable we were. Maybe you need an outside opinion like marriage counseling. If it doesn't work then you may have to get out of there or get rid of him for the sake of your sanity and the kids. Good Luck from a single mother who is happy and making it.

Answer 6

I was the guy that you are descibing. I divorced my wife. I realized that the reason that I was this way was due to the fact that I had become what my wife wanted, and not myself, which ultimately led to my depression. Your husband is depressed. The consequential changes that he made for you, arent for him, thus he has "shut down." Do you remember those "little", "benign", changes that you have asked your husband to make in the past? Well, even if he didnt change then, he was affected. Simply because he had accepted you the way that you are, but you havent accepted him. If you want to "fix" this relationship, you have to finally accept him. Not to change him. Things will get better. This means no nagging, no picking up behind him, not fixing his dinner, or plate (whichever). Do not treat him as a child, and he will eventually come out of this. Along with some wellbutrin, everything should be okay.

Answer 7

Actually I did feel so much better after my divorce, but marriage is about equality, and you have none of that, so take care of happiness while you can, It is not fair to you or your children, and these kind of guys will never be willing to change, so do what is right for you and your family and go for the divorce, at first it might not be easy, but you will get you back and there are a whole lot of men out there who actually are real men, not someone who seems to have become a lech, if you get my meaning. Keep the faith

Answer 8

I LOVE being divorced and running my household the way I want! I was basically doing everything myself anyways, all my ex-husband did was add stress... I was taking care of our kids, going to school, working, paying the bills.. taking care of all the household needs, buying groceries... etc.. And now that I'm single (I've been divorced for 7 years now) I can honestly say I LOVE IT! I don't have to answer to anyone, I clean if I want to, I don't have to worry about someone laying around making a mess for me to clean up after like my ex-husband would do. If you have any other questions, that I might be able to answer, send me an e-mail... good luck...

Answer 9

I tooo have been in this type of situation. I did leave and divorce him and I am much happier now. I raise my 4 kids on my own although, it wasnt really any different when we were married so, it wasnt a big deal to me. Life is too short to be unhappy. To me if your not happy in a relationship then its time to move on because your wasting your time and energy on something that isnt making you happy at all. Good luck and I hope this has helped

Answer 10

Yes, definitely better. Afte the first year of divorce, I asked myself why I waited so long........By the 2nd year, asked self, why the hell I married in the first place. Raising 4 kids was so much easier than raising 5!