My 33 year old sister died unexpectedly in April.How can I cope with this anger?I think I should be passed it!

Question

Some of you wanted details, so here goes...She died of a massive coronary, they believe that she never felt a thing. now for the important ones...I am angry that I did not take time to see her more often.I am angry that she will not see her great-nephew grow up.I am angry that she will never hold her niece that is due Jan. 9.I am angry that my parents hurt like they do.I am angry that she is gone.I am angry that God could not have taken someone who is sufferingfrom some long lasting disease and took her instead.I am angry that i spent the day b4 her death sucking up margaritas with my bf because i thought i would go visit her the next day.I am angry that I never got that day.Procrastination IS BAD!I am angry that my bf thinks that I should be over this.I am angry that he gets upset when i feel the need to cry or talk about her.I am just so angry that she never got to fall in love or have kids or walk in the ocean and everyting else she talked about.I do feel better after typing that

Answer 1

Social events do bring back feelings of loved ones. Sometimes they are good and bad. As for getting rid of anger maybe you can try writing how you feel, go for a run or long walk or some kind of vigorous exercise all of that would help your body to release the stress associated with her death.
As for grieving, contrary to popular belief there is no time frame to stop grieving, so don't add more pressure on yourself in hurrying up your grieving time. It varies for everyone male and female and depends on the way the person died and your relationship and if you had any unresolved quarrels.
As long as your grieving does not severely impact your life where you cannot function or you want to harm others your grieving is healthy.

And bear in mind people grieve for many different things from a lost watch and a favorite hat to loved ones and even with things it can take a while to get over so don't rush yourself.

Answer 2

"I am angry that i spent the day b4 her death sucking up margaritas with my bf because i thought i would go visit her the next day."

I am sorry for her early death and I am sure you will truely miss her. This is just a guess but does alcohol play an important role in your outlook on life? How much anger was inside of you before your sister died? Anger is usually a cover emotion. There is a much larger issue just underneath it but you are afraid to try to understand or approach it. Fear of the truth is greater in your mind than in reality yet it stops people dead in their tracks from moving to a healthy outlook. Maybe your anger is that life hasn't been so nice for you and you are afraid to face it without her. Do you feel abandonded or more lonely by her death? Is this a repeat of life in some way from when you were younger? It would explain why it hurts so much when emotional injuries are repeated.

What ever the reasons are for your anger because there were a lot of them stated, they will not improve if you want to blame your behavior on others. It is convenient and safer to do so but there is no growth for you. The only person who can make your life and your daughter's better is yourself. Find a help group if you cannot figure this out on your own. The answers are there if you have the courage to work on them.

Answer 3

Wow... I can only imagine your pain, loosing my sister would be very hard. I'm sorry. I can kinda relate, my father died when I was 10 - and I'm 24 now and believe me, the pain never goes away.

GRIEF & LOSS 101:
There are 5 stages any person who is experiencing a loss goes through. The stages can come and go and there is no "time limit" on any of them, you can be feeling one, two, or all at the same time.

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Barganing 4. Acceptance 5. Hope

1. Denial: (one of the biggest "coping mechaninsms") - it helps you avoid the pain you exerience because after all - it didn't happen, right? (bad joke, I know - sorry)
2. Anger: which is better than denial, but you are looking for someone to put the blame on.... and there is no such thing sweetie - that's life, and it's hard.
3. Barganing: it's the old "If only I had..., than blah blah blah would still be here" idea - not realistic, given the fact that we can't go back in time.
4. Acceptance: When you are ready to admit the fact that she is gone (physically) and be ok with it. But you know she'll always be with you.
5. Hope: this is what keeps us moving forward each day. Hope that tomorrow will be a better day, some day you may be together, you'll see her in your next life, or whatever beliefs you may have.

What are you angry about? My father died in a car accident while working, the guy who helped him deliver the supplies - who was also in the van the day of the accident - came out with minor scratches. My dad left behind a wife, 2 daughters, and an entire family who (till this day) love him very much. The other guy was an orphan. Not fair, huh?? But maybe "someone" had bigger and better plans for that guy. Maybe it just wasn't his time to go. As much as it hurts to think about any death in the family.... if it had not happened - I wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't be the person who I am today.
I know it may seem to hard to or even impossible to find the possitive in all of this, but trust me, it's there, maybe you'll find those things tomorrow, or next week, or (in my case) several years! - but you will.
I know it sounds silly - maybe a little psychotic - or whatever... but I still talk to my dad's picture, and I tell him everything I regret NOT telling him, and I tell him everything that's going on with me. It makes me feel better, it makes me feel like he's there. You should try it. Oh yeah.... and one of the many things that I learned from that was to always end all of my phone conversations with "I love you" (to the people who are important in my life) cause we never know when that person will be gone.... and then you'll be stuck like me... wishing I had told him how much I love him when he left for work that day.

Answer 4

Although Grieving, We Are Not Without Hope

Embrace happy memories of her. Kiss her clothes, hug her favorite teddy bear, wear her fave necklace. Let her memory live on in your life, put up pictures of her gradually, hold on to something significant and special between you two. Write a letter to her - something you didn't get off your chest, or how much you miss her and then frame it, or make a scrapbook of your sister and the good times you had together and finally pray for consolation and peace in your heart and mind.

“We do not want you to be ignorant concerning those who are sleeping in death; that you may not sorrow just as the rest also do who have no hope.”—1 THESSALONIANS 4:13.

Jesus’ teaching gives us great comfort and hope for the future. For example, what did he do in the case of Lazarus?
Jesus performed that unforgettable resurrection in front of many eyewitnesses. It was a token of the future resurrection that he had predicted on an earlier occasion, when he said: “Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear [the Son of God’s] voice and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment.”—John 5:28, 29.

Thus the Bible gives us a clear promise and a solid hope that by means of the resurrection, many will see their loved ones again here on earth but under very different circumstances.—2 Peter 3:13; Revelation 21:1-4.

Time and God's word will heal your emotional pain...

Source(s):
http://www.watchtower.org/library/w/2005...

Answer 5

I am still having problems dealing with the break-up of a girl I was very close to, and that relationship ended years ago.

Not everyone goes through the stages of grief at the exact same speed. In fact, trying to rush through one's feelings usually only ensures that the feelings remain, and even grow stronger. One cannot let go of anger until one has confronted the truth and depth of it.

"Be angry at the sun for setting if these things so anger you..." Be angry with your sister; give completely into it. Do whatever it is you have to do to let it all out. Go to her gravesite and throw a temper tantrum; get a photograph of her, photocopy it a hundred times, and keep ripping it up until you feel better; call her every obsenity and foul-word imagineable, and if you run out, make up some more; go someplace where you are completely alone and/or accepted and scream as loud and harsh as you can.

It could be that you are holding onto your anger because, in doing so, you are also holding onto your sister. And it could be you are afraid or unable to let it go because it would mean letting go of her. But the people we truly care about never leave us. After the anger, after the sadness, after all the recriminations and pleadings and whatnot are gone, what most people find is something like a diamond; crystalline, clear, certain and forever. That is what the people, about whom we care most about, remain to us.

Answer 6

I have dealt with similar loss in my past and can recall the anger. The best way for me to deal with anger of any sort is to try to see where it springs from in my mind. Experience it, feel it, but try and notice the source. Do you blame yourself in some way? Are there other reasons to hate? Or is it simply the fact that she will not be around and you are angry at that? Only you can know the answer. But until you know it that anger can control and direct both you and your thoughts. Not something you would want to associate with your sister or her memory. It might be this is a place and a point for you to learn and grow past that type of hate. Find the source my Friend, then make the decision to Honor her memory in a different fashion. Be well.

Answer 7

People have a very wrong idea of how long it takes to get over such a loss.

Tell your boyfriend that you shouldn't be over it yet, and to cut you some slack (which you also need to try to cut yourself).

Anger is in many ways easier to feel than grief and pain, that's why you're feeling it.

You are not the only person dealing with loss. Often, talking to others who are going through similar things can help a lot.

I suggest you connect to support groups for people coping with death of a loved one.

Talking to people who understand, and listening to them and supporting them can be very healing.

The thing that people forget when they think people should quickly be over a loss is, what sort of people would those be?

You loved her; she's gone, and gone way too young.

If you simply went on with life (ho hum, la di da), you'd be an inhuman monster.

Of course eventually you'll move on with your life, missing her, but not hurting so much that it takes over your life.

But it takes time.

Answer 8

There is nothing wrong with missing your sister. There is nothing wrong with crying. These things help us cope with the loss. But I ask you this question. Your anger, what is it helping you do? If anything it is just helping you beat yourself up. At this point let the anger go. You are mad at yourself for not taking more time to see your sister. Instead of beating yourself up take this tragedy and see to it that you take more time for others in the future. Your sister is gone. So I now ask you this. Is this continual focus on your sister now putting you in a situation where you are neglecting to focus on the ones who are still here? You do not want to end up in the same situation asking next time, "How can I cope with the anger at the loss of my loved one when I was too busy thinking about the loss of my sister to go spend time with them?" See my point? Good luck, and sorry for your loss.

Answer 9

Hey sweetie...

I feel for you. I have two sisters and I don't know what I would do without them. Lots of love is being sent to you right now.
You can email me from my Avatar page anytime that you just need to get something out...

Don't worry about being past your anger right now. Feel every bit of it. Tell your boyfriend that he is wrong and that you need more time, love, and support to heal... after all... she was your sister! It is always heartbreaking when someone dies at a young age and we wonder what life they would have lived if they had not died when they did. It also hurts when we miss them and we feel that we didn't do enough for or with them when they are still around - it seems like that may be how you feel. To help get yourself through the days when you are thinking about what you would have liked to say to your sister, do with her, or who you would have loved for her to meet - take some flowers, nothing big, a small bouquet, but pick the flowers and arrange them yourself, go to her gravesite or a favorite place you two had in the past, sit and tell her everything...

It may be hard, but try to remember that we never know how long we have here. If that hadn't happened, she may have died soon another way, and there is nothing you can or could have done to change the situation. Even if you feel you didn't tell her enough.. what is unspoken also goes a long way. She knew that you loved her... Sisters always do...

About the things you are sad that you won't have a chance to do with her, do them anyway, with someone else who is close to you or by yourself. If you do it with someone else, find a special time to tell them the story of your sister.

About the things that your sister wanted to do that she didn't get to, even if they hadn't been your dreams, do them, just to experience a part of your sister and keep her dreams alive...

Anything that you felt guilty about - not spending enough time with her, not telling her you loved her enough... now she is in even greater position to know your heart... from what you feel, bring it into your other relationships. Don't be too harsh with yourself, but take a minute to reevaluate your priorities and when you wake up each morning, remember that this moment is the beginning of the rest of your life.. and you can live it how you want to.

Always remember the wonderful memories of your sister, let go of the quarrels... Keep her in your heart, carry her in your soul, and on days when you find life tiring, surrender yourself and live life for your sister.

Last but not least, remember your own dreams. If she were alive and could talk to you now, she would tell you not to mourn for her and that you need to go and live your own life, find your dreams and follow them. When you get to a destination and it isn't all it was cracked up to be, turn around and remember your journey, because maybe all that you encountered along the way was really the whole reason you were brought along that path.

Take care of yourself.
Take as long to grieve as you need.
Remember to continue living as well.

Hugs :)

Answer 10

I am very sorry for your loss. Grief is normal and can present itself in many ways - anger is just part of this. Be kind to yourself and take a day at a time, as each day can bring unexpected feelings. Don't be afraid to seek professional help if you feel you cannot cope and know that you are not alone.