What is normal for a teenage boy ?

Question

I am concerned about my 13 year old son who is having trouble settling at night (signs of depression begin after the sun goes down - regardless of the day he has had). He is tearful and worried and has issues about growing older and about death generally. I know growing up is hard and as a single mother I am concerned that this is due to a negative relationship with his estranged father. I have taken him to a naturopath for a consultation but the herbal remedies do not seem to be working. Is this "normal" / to be expected for my boy ?

Answer 1

I have to say that 13 is the worst age for a boy from what I have seen.... I worked with adolescent males and found that 13 year olds were the most difficult and troublesome but also the ones with the most difficulties and troubles... They are not little boys... they are not adult men... they are only at the very beginning of adolescence and nothing quite goes right for them...

To be preoccupied with death and aging may be because he thinks he is going to die... perhaps he thinks he has an illness... do investigate that line of thought...

If you are a single mother and he has no strong male role models in his life then he does not have anyone to base himself on... no one to campare himself to.. no one to ask the silly questions that 13 year old boys need to ask...

I would look for a compassionate male family doctor... tell him what is going on and what you think and feel then ask him to check him out physically and to have a word with your son... take your son in for reasonably regular appointments with the same doctor... just so your son gets to know the doctor a bit and the doctor gets a better idea of your son and his concerns, thoughts, feelings, and physical health.. Do not stay in the room with your son and the doctor.... allow them to be together and your son to speak freely without fear of you knowing every word he says... IF something major is wrong the doctor will know how to get your sons permission to tell you about it....

You could get your son into a mainly male sport, or other recreational activity...that involves interaction with males of his age as well as grown up men....

I know my son at 12 decided that he was going to have a relationship with his estranged father.... he decided that whether his dad wanted it or not he was going to make his father face him and tell him personally whether he wanted his son or not...

That was a most trying experience for me... I knew by my son's determination that he was not going to take no for an answer and so I regularly drove my son to his fathers house... (My son found his dad via the internet) and my son banged on the door, screamed... yelled, threw rocks at the house... climbed on the roof and danced.... he continued doing so and he rang his father regularly and left messges on his machine... and told his dad I am going to keep coming to your house and being a nuiscance until you see me..... I will keep doing this and will not stop.... I have a right to meet you and you will meet me or have me arrested... I dont care which you do but one way or another you will give me an answer... cause if you have me charged then you have to face me in court and I will ask you in the court room....

He was a very determined young man... he thought this over and over and often he would come away from his dad's house totally worn down and exhausted and fall in a heap and cry his eyes out... I asked him to please think about stopping.. he refused he was determined to see his father...

Eventually I received a phone call from his father asking if I was in agreement to allow my son to conintue doing this and I said I had no choice because if I did not drive him there he would simply get there another way.... He asked if all of the children wanted to see him and I said they did.... he hummd an haed for a while then asked if I could drop them off at his house on the following saturday and pick them up an hour later....I agreed...

Now several years later my son lives with his father... he is happy and fulfilled and you would never believe how much alike they are...

My conclusion.... boys need their dads.... not someone elses... not a step dad.... they need their own dad..

Other men may help... but honestly to know your own father and have some kind of relationship with him is irreplaceable....

You probably did not want to hear that... you probably dont want to know that you are not everything to your son.... but it is the absolute truth as I know it....

depression is often a normal natural human respose to sad situations.... if he is missing his dad he will be experienceing grief... grief is a normal human state.... it is not an illness.... this grief will continue until it is resolved one way or another...

depression caused by chemical imbalance is not nearly as common as a lot of people would have you think... it is not as likely to be this... if your son is sad... then there is a reason he is sad... if it is about not having his dad... then the only solution is for him to resolve that situation..

If his father is one of the few terribly evil people on the planet... or is dead... or there is a genuine reason that it would be bad for your son to meet his father.... then you need to be very honest and upfront with your son.... if by some chance you dont know who his father is... for sure... then you need to tell him that... Dont lie about it dont make up stories... just be very honest.. and straight forward....

Your son needs answers to question that he doesnt even know how to ask.....

Answer 2

It probably isn't. I thought about those things too when i was his age, and then in my twenties fell into a serious depression that lasted much longer than i should have let it.
On the bright side, And no i'm not bragging about myself when i say this, I think your son is extremely bright, and imaginative. If he's drawn to such deep thoughts it's because in his mind the deeper thoughts are the only ones worth exploring, and thus solving.
The thing is he can only scratch the surface of these things at his age, so it's best for him to stick to the things he can figure out, he'll be happier with those little victories.
A therapist might say he's in the beginning stages of paranoia and prescribe a mild dose of a popular schizophrenia medication. Don't freak out, his mind will definitely stay closer to the surface of things and he'll feel more like his old self. do a little research to find out which new ones have the least side effects so that you'll have an idea what the mental health professional is offering you.

EDIT:
As I reread your question I have to agree that maybe a few well timed talks could help. Or maybe even have a male member of the family spend more quality time with him. Of course it must be someone he idolizes or at least likes well.
Maybe drugs aren't the answer.
Maybe there's just stuff he needs explained to him by a guy.
Tough.
But at least he's got you paying him the attention he deserves.
It'll work out, i'm sure of it.

Answer 3

Oh my, that's not what average teenage boys do. This behavior is quite dangerous because wild animals might carry rabies, parasites or all sort of diseases. I recommend you to go straight to the hospital now, even if he's not showing any signs of sickness. Never let your kid eat and cook wild animals, poorly cooked meat can still harbour diseases and bacteria. Please, take care of your child and bring him to the hospital! When he's standing in the rain, try to give him a raincoat or an umbrella, that's all you can do. I understand that he wants to be independent.But the human is a social animal so him not being social should bring up a red flag. Some peoples don't want company because that person is afraid of being judged. I recommend you of learning more about your son, maybe he's being teased at school. Maybe he's doing certain things because he's shocked (traumatized). Ask him if he would like to seek help at a psychologist or from a school counselor. Only bring him to those thing if he's willing to change. The behaviors you say might be clues to a mental illness, don't panic, consult a doctor before labeling anybody. For social behaviors, ask him if he wants to do some volunteering or do after school activities that he likes. Ask him indirectly because if he finds out, he'll be mad. Doing the activities will bring him closer to peoples who have the same interest as him. For the girlfriend part, don't worry, some peoples wait a little longer in their life to embark in a relationship, it all depends on the person. I'm sure your boy can't find that special someone yet or that he still finds girls icky. And it's great your teen isn't addicted to technology, as long he's not doing drugs or smoking or hurting himself deliberately. Your kid's just down to earth. Just try to discuss on how you feel about his well being. You can't force him to change nor can you bring the authorities on him. Just try to reason with him and give him your genuine, caring, understanding opinions. Hope this helps

Answer 4

Children can oftentimes pick up on the worries and fears of those in their environment. Consequently, the more their primary caregivers are worried, the more they feel they have to worry in order to help make it through.

Try sitting beside him at night and talking about why he feels the way he feels. Sometimes someone friendly and caring appearing during the period we are most fearful, and their willingness to listen, gives us enough positive reinforcement to quell our feelings. Maybe even set up a schedule, so that he has something to look forward to each week. The more he associates those times with comfort and company, the weaker those associations will become.

A worry about death can also be a vague worry about the uncertainty of what the future may brings. The more that those fears are acknowledged, and talked through, the less uncertain the future can seem.

Answer 5

Thinking about death growing old and dying is definitely not normal for a 13 year old boy. Certainly not being tearful or worried about it.

I'd ditch the herbal remedies and have him checked out by a psychiatrist.

Answer 6

Intermittently this could be somewhat normal. But if it has been going on for any amount of time I would think therapy is in order. And it may be something you should share in as well. Separation of any kind can be hard for us as parents to manage but pales in comparison to what the children go through. They can feel responsible for it among a hundred other problems. It is not a short coming on your part to seek help with this and in fact may be the best thing you can do for him and you. Good luck and Be well.

Answer 7

You didnt say how long this had been going on, but it could be hormones amplifying feelings he may have. I am sure he is also learning more and more about himself, his self concept is emerging, and he is realizing that life ends at some point. Not so sure that younger children realize this. Is he having nightmares? Night soon brings bedtime and he may be fearfully anticipating bedtime.

I wouldnt worry too much about it. As with many teenagers, stages come and go. Just love and support and ride it out..Best!

Answer 8

someone may have told something that worries him, something distressful about nightfall. or it might be an unpleasant or sad memory. herbal remedies and medicines prescribed by psychiatrists are just going to cause even more stress. what he needs is more personal space and privacy, good friends who he thinks are nice and fun to be with, and a bit of more cheer and laughter at home.

Answer 9

Your son is growing up, and this sounds normal for him, especially with his negative relationship with his father. The behaviour you're describing sounds quite normal for someone who is going through puberty.

Answer 10

You should make an appointment for him to first have a physical exam with his doctor to make sure there are no health issues, then have the doctor refer him to your local community mental health clinic. His behavior is not normal. Herbs are not the answer.