Forgiveness ? (continued)?

Question

For those of you who have asked (no we are not married) but we've been togther for 14 years w/no kids. He has four of his own from a previous marriage. (I'm the red-headed step-mother with the big ugly wart on her nose) - We both share the expenses of the household and duties. The cancer is gone but the expectation of forgiveness lingers on for me. I know that I should forgive and not forget - but the sound of "mommy dearest" let alone the sight of her brings on trembles. One would think that after 3 years I should be able to move on and "get over it" as they say.
This is starting to tear our relationship apart - as my "husband's" family is important to him and he wants me to be a part of it.
They all live 3 states away - so it's not like we see them often - so what's my issue??

Answer 1

I read both posts...you have quite a dilemma on your hands. Don't let this woman control the way you feel, and by no means should you tolerate her actions. You didn't mention whether or not he cleared the air with her and set her straight, I will just assume he did. Yes, it was a horrible experience for you, but try to forget about it as much as possible, because it sounds like you and your boyfriend have a much stronger bond and she will not come between, she may try, but just stand firm.

I have had these blow-ups with my ex MIL and when I must see her, I just grin and bear it and know that it is killing her. Let him be around them all he wants, but you do not have to be part of it, there is no law saying you must go around people that mistreat you. Your boyfriend needs to walk a mile in your shoes and try to see both sides of the issue. Personally for me, I wouldn't stand for my family mistreating the person I loved, and would definitely take a stand for them. Don't make him choose, allow him his time with them, but you don't have to subject yourself to any of the stupidity.

As far as the time lapse between the incident, the trauma will always remain and you have every right to remain guarded. Just don't take her words and action to heart, you know you, she doesn't. Good Luck and Merry Christmas!

Answer 2

You are somewhat confused on a few things here. I'll try to help, First of all these people live 3 states away. Which is great for you. You don't have to put up with them visiting on a regular basis so that's a plus.

Basically what you need to do is find it within your heart to FORGIVE AND FORGET. In order to properly forgive anyone you must then forget about the incident and not dwell or think of it again.

Says this somewhere in the Bible or some sort of religious text i read once. I've forgiven people for wrongs they committed against me, I don't think of those things anymore and have found that i'm much happier. It can be difficult to do, took me a few years but it finally worked for me. Give it a try. And remember to forget the issue after you've forgiven them.

Answer 3

This is a hard issue to deal with, but if they live 3 states away, and you hardly see them, then let it go! It would be different if they lived in the same town and you were expected to associate with them on a friendly basis. But you aren't. Just take care of your husband and move on with him. Let him know how you feel; but don't get mad at him for the way he feels, that is his family, no matter how dysfunctional they obviously are. Detach yourself emotinally from them, and take care of your relationship with just him. Then when you have to deal with them, treat them like they are just associates, not friends. Friends are special, and they treat us the way we need to be treated. (like a business personality that you would have with people at work). Nice but not buddy buddy! My husband and older sister don't talk to each other at all. They have never seen eye to eye, and the last straw was when she called the police on him for asking her when she was going to fix our car that she side swiped and never copt to. So he just leaves her alone, and she leaves him alone, and we all live in the same town. It hasn't been easy, because he really likes my Mom, but she lives next door to my older sister. So he won't go see my Mom either because my sister will come over. It hasn't been easy to keep peace, as I love my sister, but I see her on my own. He doesn't put her down any more, after I told him how it made me feel, and I would appreciate not hearing from him how awful she is. So, I know your husband, partner, wouldn't appreciate you berating his family either. So do your own program, and leave his alone. I am also a recoverying alcoholic of 8 yrs., and know first hand how hard it is to let this stuff go. Thankfully I had a very good relationship with his mom, but after she died, his family turned into the family from the North Pole. (I never saw such a cold-hearted family). But I don't talk about his family either, as it is still his, even though he doesn't like them either, he doesn't like me berating them. So be careful what you say to him and don't say to him about his family.

Answer 4

Sounds like you're really looking for a resolution to your issues; I suggest you go to counseling. It really will help you to get these things resolved so that you can move forward in your relationship. Best of luck, and Merry Christmas!

Answer 5

Huh? Why do you need to forgive the cancer? What does his family have to do with this situation? What is starting to tear your relationship apart? Please clarify.............

Answer 6

what ever ... u should take care of the man and forget about his mom ...

Answer 7

Just do what your heart tells you to do.

Answer 8

if you love that man you should also love his family...accept it..........