I didnt want to get married in the first place, now we cant stand each other. Is it time to change?

Question

We have two small children. The only reason we got married is because my wife got pregnant again. It was a forced decision. Now we cant stand each other. What should I do?

Answer 1

I am sorry to have to dish out this tough love to you and in the end I know my answer may not be too popular but...
You must reconsider and bend over backwards in trying to make your marriage work.
How dare you treat something as sacred as marriage as if it were an item of clothing that you bought which you don't want anymore.
I can imagine your life must be hell with your wife but who told you to get her pregnant in the first place.
And when you realised one baby wasn't sufficient you went and knocked her up again hoping it would fix a relationship that had already started to go downhill, one that was destined for failure.
But it's too late...
You don't ever enter a marriage because someone else is forcing you to do it, you do it because somewhere in the back of your mind you're certain that you can tolerate this woman for the rest of your life.

But on a more personal note..
Did you grow up in a single parent home?
If you did, you'd remember how much you missed the parent that was not around and how much you wished they were always there especially on those nights that you needed a hug.
not just during some specific time but knowing that your parents were ALWAYS there when you needed them, just 2 doors away.

If you grew up in a home where you had both parents then it is nothing short of selfish to rob your kids of the balance and stability a home with two parents.
Whether you take your kids from your wife or she chooses to take care of them still only means in both cases that one person is responsible for them.

Try not to emotionally scar your children, they did nothing to deserve it...
They are a product of your reckless abandon and now that you have them, hold on to your sham of a marriage at least until you're sure they're old enough to deal with a divorce.

And friend,
I urge you to pray...
Pray like never before. God doesn't care what you've done or how wicked you are.
His arms are open and waiting to receive you and comfort you..
He's still waiting to hear from you.
Please pray and I will pray for you as well.

Answer 2

If you didn't want the marriage to begin with why did you get her pregnant? I think there is some love involved here at one point. How many years? If I may guess about 7? Yes, that is the magical number.
It's not a matter of not being able to stand each other, it's a matter of you have both changed and grown and now things are different. The kiddos are adding to the mix also and they are mixing things up. I remember, hasn't been that long ago.
Sometimes we forget that with every year that we have a birthday and get older so does the rest of the people in our lives. Meaning she has grown and so have you, however you both need to regroup and decide what is best for the kiddos!
They come first, not you, not your wife, they do. In 10 years will you be able to work out your problems? Will your kids be well adjusted products of a divorced home? You have to really research the factors in divorce.
I wanted to divorce my husband, but I stuck it out and now 18 years later I'm a lot happier and wiser. I'm proud that I didn't divorce, I took into consideration what I was doing to the kids and realized that they didn't deserve this.
You and your wife need to reconnect, sometimes that takes 1-2 years. Marriage is not a thing, it is hard work, just like being a parent and like your job.
In ten years where do you want to be, single, dating and eating mac and cheese? Or married, with a nice house, kids that are well adjusted and behaved, eating a decent meal every night and a clean house. And then in another 10 do you want to have to help your children go through their first divorces? Just food for thought.
Get someone to talk with you and her, a priest, pastor, therapist, or even just take a weekend without the kids and try to reconnect. You may need more than just one weekend. Try to see what you saw in her to begin with and then she will try to do the same. Remember respect is earned, not given...have you earned her respect and has she earned yours?
Good luck, I wouldn't divorce - take it from someone who's been there and would not change a thing in my life now...

Answer 3

I think you should try marriage counseling before you give up. I've heard many stories about couples not being able to stand each other temporarily but then getting closer again. You may not realize you can get closer if you're in a slump, but keep things in perspective. Did you ever care for your wife? If you ever did, there is a chance you could again. Try doing things for her; trust me, it works. You don't have to do it because you feel like it. Do it because it's the right thing to do. Love is an action, not just a feeling. If you never loved the woman, then there is still hope but I'd get out now rather than later when the kids are older and they've gotten used to their parents together. If there is any hope that you could work things out, see someone about doing it. Some counselors won't charge a lot if you can't afford it.

Answer 4

Both of you seem to have a growing problem. It resides between your ears.
You went ahead and had the kids before you were married now deal with the situation. It will take a level of maturity which it appears you do not posses.
Its past time for you to relent and make it work. This is totally not fair to the children. To forge ahead toward a split before you have put any adult effort into the mix is just wrong. It will remain wrong no matter how you present it.
Time to man up and establish a working relationship with your bride. You passed up your opportunity to not stand her the day you had the unprotected sex. Its time for you to be a man and a father. That involves establishing a home. Figure it out.
Sorry dude but I can't let you off the hook on this one.
Grow up, Man up.

Answer 5

Try marriage counseling first. Divorce is over rated, you should really TRY before throwing in the towel, especially for the childrens sake. In all actuality though, you shouldn't have gotten married. Marriage is never something forced, unless of course you are of a particular ethnicity that believes that way. You did already have one child out of wed-lock. Just try first. Good Luck and Merry Christmas!

Answer 6

If you don't like each other now, why in the world did you continue to have sex? Just for LUST?! I think you both are being extremely irresponsible! You don't love each other, but yet you brought two beautiful children into the world! How is this going to affect them? Say you get a divorce, then whose going to raise the kids? Are they going to be raisedd by a single MOM that has to work and support them? Are you going to be there for them as their dad, I doubt it!? You both need to be "horse whipped" for getting pregnant! If you wanted to have sex for just LUST, FINE< but don't bring babies into the world and bring your suffering into their lives too. Now that you have them, go to counseling and get yourselves help, and learn HOW TO GET ALONG! and how to be decent parents. Marriage isn't something you can put on when it suits you and throw it away just because it no longer fits your desires and dreams. You should of thought of that before she got pregnant. There are many books and counselors that can help you two become at least friends, and at least have a mutal respect for each other, QUIT YOUR FIGHTING and grow up and become and act like adults, since you have two children to think about now. Quit thinking of ONLY YOURSELVES! Give yourselves a chance at being together. There must of been something there that attracted you two in the first place! Or your sex life wouldn't of been so active! So now work with it and try to improve your communication skills and learn how to get along with each other so you will have something to give to those children that you brought into the world.

Answer 7

Should have not gotten her knocked up in the first place your life is ruined if you get a divorce now she will kill you with child support good luck i know i just went through a divorced but i had no kids she gave me an ultamatem which i should have just walked away from but was stupid and got married anyway the marrige never worked cause i resented her for forcing me to marry her.

Answer 8

First of all, why keep having sex with someone you don't get along with?
Getting married for a baby is the worst reason on the planet/
It is better for your kids to be from a broken home than to live in a broken home.

Either work on the relationship or end it

Please don't put the kids in the middle of this

Answer 9

Get a divorce! Staying in an unwanted marriage only harms the children, it's better for them if you divorce, and then spend quality time with them. The stress will be reduced for all of you! Good luck, and Merry Christmas!

Answer 10

Good lord, yuck. Get a divorce and get on with your lives. Everyone always thinks they are saving the children by staying together. It is not true. Kids pick up on bitterness, resentment, anger and also pick up on vibes from the parents - i.e. forced to stay together. Your kids won't know why but they will start to act out. As they get older, they will start to believe its their fault mom and dad don't like each other. It becomes such a mess.