How do I get and keep that feeling of belonging? What if I never find myself?

Question

I know in my head that having sex will not solve any problems. But I feel like I want to use it as a tool to feel some sort of belongingness but in my head I don't think it will work. I have isolated myself not by choice, but by feeling too embarassed to relate my concerns to patronizing relatives who appear so put together and happy and unwilling to share their vulnerabilities with me if they have any and the most patronizing of friends. Once again, when I need help, I feel lost as to where to find it and I am at my wits end, so I practice long-suffering until some providential series of occurences resolves the problem naturally in due time.

When will 'the way it is' with them match 'the way it is' with you? How do you learn to love yourself when you've never been shown how? I have my life in front of me? what do I have to lose but only time? I often marvel at people in their eighties, how they carry light hearts and keep simple perspectives on life. I'm 32.
In my shoes.

Answer 1

I know what you mean about older people. They are able to let go of what other people think about them and just be themselves. Wouldn't it be fantastic if we could do this and not bother what the relatives think about us, that they accept us just the way we choose to be. Even though, in private, these relatives probably have similar vulnerabilities and maybe even bigger problems as us!

It would be such a great situation if we could rely on our relatives and friends to supply us with a great support network - wouldn't it? And it would be fantastic if we could learn how to love ourselves from the lessons we learned in our childhood. The one thing that is true, is that we always have a choice (good or bad), we have the potential to make changes to our lives, they can hurt and might not make sense, but yes, a life in front of you is what you have.

I am 34, and I can relate to you. I often envey my 80 year old mum in law, who has tons of friends and has a great attitude on life, but I also realise that she has been through a whole life of horrors to get to this point. And maybe its the journey that brings the lightness.

You mention sex as maybe helping. You are right, it probably won't help, unless you feel a deep connection with the other person. Belongingness is a difficult one. When will we ever feel like we belong? Well, it is usually when we lose what we had.

My message to you is; live your life, not everyone will love you, you have the power to choose and please don't suffer (life is too short).

Answer 2

I'm 33 and found myself asking the same question til a few days ago. I realized that I'm never gonna change, all I can do is observe my behavior and see how I come accross. That's what people see. You've accepted you family to be belonging and well put together cause you've always known them. You need to get out and be yourself. Soon you'll start seeing what the poeple around you see of you and you'll know what you got to do to pursue that sense of belonging we all need. Everyone needs a sense of belonging, a sense of love, control and fun. Learn from your experiences and people who are true. Follow your heart but not too far behind.

Answer 3

Thank-you for sharing your vulnerability. I can relate.
Psychoanalysis would help you find yourself.
Alcoholics Anonymous would help you find yourself. There is some psychoanalysis there. There is humility there that would help. A.A. isn't everything.
Many people lose themself by trying to be other people or live up to others expectations or assimilating TV ads.
Start by being centered in yourself. Whatever strengths or talents you have, develop them. Part of you might scream, "No no no! I don't want to live if nobody likes me" Your honesty has attracted me. I really like the honest part of you.